Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 May 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Not So Wonderful After All--Absent Mindedness--Out of Seeson--A Danger Removed--Eto., Eto. NOT SO WONDERFUL AFTER ALL. Howson Lott—Talk of horses! A bicycle is the thing. Why, I’ve ridden one for two years and it hasn’t cost me a cent, even for repairs. Lon Mower (inquiring as to the make)—Whose. Howson Lott—Well, to tell the truth, it’d my brother-in-law’s.— [Puck. ABSENT MINDEDNESS. He was the clerk of a millionaire And was loved by his "boss’s” daughter. The old man raved in a manner rare And did all he could to thwart her. When he found they’d been wed in the civil courts He felt his heart grow bigger, And he wrote out a check with lots of noughts, But forgot to put in a figure. —[Raymond’s Monthly. OUT OF SEASON. She—’Who’s that fellow over in the corner of the room? No one pays him any attention, and three months ago I saw him fairly lionized by all the girls. He—Oh, that’s Halfbacke,the football player.—[Chicago Record. A DANGER REMOVED. Cora Vah Salleigh.—l believe Mr. Fitz Toppinann is anxious to call on me. Clara Giltinann—Have you given him any encouragement? Cora—Certainly not, but I incidentally remarked the other evening that the gout in poor papa’s feet prevents him from wearing anything but slippers just now. [Raymond’s Monthly. SAFE. "And do you ever invite your poor relations to visit you?” "Oh, yes, indeed! You see, they are all too poor to get here.”—[Truth. INCREDIBLE. Willi Wilt—Do you. know—aw— Miss Perte, since the pink tea at Mrs. Codde-Ffehe’s yesterday afternoon my mind has—aw—been quite blank? Miss Perte What, Mr. Wilt! Only since yesterday!—[Raymond’s Monthly. SORRY HE SPOKE. " Well, why don’t you say that you wish you were a man? ” asked Mr. Potts during the little discussion he was having with his spouse about some matters of domestic management. " Because I don’t wish anything of the sort,” she retorted. "I only wish you were one.—[lndianapolis Journal.

IN A LONDON FOG. Cholly—lt’s deucedly perplexing, don’t you know! Wegie—What is, deah boy? Cholly—Why, now that Lawd Wosebewy is at the head of the Libwals and Lawd Sallsbewy of the Towies, don’t you know, I don’t know whetheh I’m aTowy or Libwal. —[Puck. NOT STRONG ENOUGH. Mrs. X.—Why don’t you get a servant girl? Mrs. Y.—Oh, dear me, it’s all I can do to do my own work without doing a servant girl’s work.—[Truth. GOOD AT GUESSING. Uncle George—Are you good at guessing? Little Dick.—Yes, indeed. I’m head In the spelling class.—[Good News. THE POLITE EDITOR. Poet—l have here, sir, a poem which I wish to have printed in your paper. Editor (looking it over; —We can’t print it to-day or to-morrow. Would it suit you as well at some later date? Poet (gratefully)—Oh! any time would be perfectly satisfactory. Use your own pleasure about that. Editor—Very well. We’ll try to get it in sometime in the Spring of 1994.—[Detroit Free Press.

THE INDIAN QUESTION. First Cowboy—l don’t mind an Injun havin’ his rights. Second Cowboy—Them’s my sentiments, too. He ought to have his rights. “ But if he undertakes to assert his rights then he ought er be scalped.” “That’s what I say, pertickerlarly if he has any good ridin’ ponies.— [Texas Siftings. THE RETORT DISCOURTEOUS. Mrs. Smarte—Oh, you needn’t make any excuses, I can read you like a book. Mr. Smarte—Precisely. When you read a book, you skip all the noble, soul-inspiring passages and read only the trasn. —[Boston Transcript. THEIR TASTES DIFFERED. Mr. Smythe (of Boston, across the table) —Which do you prefer, Lamb or Bacon? My own tastes regarding them are very mixed. Miss Jones (of Chicago)—Oh, I reckon I like bacon a little the best. (Aside to the waiter) —And put some liver in the pan with it.—[Truth. AFTER THE HONEYMOON. He (angrily)—You are the biggest fool I ever saw. She—Hush, dear; you are forgetting yourself.—[Raymond’s Monthly. NOT TO BE CONCEALED. Beth—The position of woman from the fifth to the fifteenth centuries was particularly unenviable. May—Yes; they were Middle Age ladies, and everybody kndw it.— [Truth. SLIGHTLY DELAYED. Customer—ls the proprietor in? Waiter—Yes, sir. Customer—Take this steak back and ask him to jump oh it. Waiter—You’ll have to wait a little while, sir. There are two othbr orders ahead of you.—[Life.

A CULPRIT. Bobble—Didn’t you say yesterday that it was wrong to strike another? Bobbie’s Father—Yes, Bobbie. Bobbie—Well, I wish you’d teQ my teacher so.—[New York World. FROM ANOTHER STANDPOINT. Mr. Browne—Half a dozen men told me that my new gown was a dream and you haven’t expressed a bit of admiration for it. Browne—But I have to pay your dressmaker, my dear.—[Raymond’s Monthly. AFTER A TIP. Waiter—l think you’ve forgotten something, sir. Guest (hurrying away)—Well, you can have it, my good man.—[Raymond’s Monthly. ANYTHING TO MAKE A LIVING. Bouttown—This is the first night of a new play, I see. Manager—Yes. Bouttown—l’ll go in and be one of the audience for a dollar.—[Life. MERELY A GUEBS. The Spectacled Girl—Have you read "Ships that Pass in the Night?’* The Auburn - Haired Girl—Nou What kind are they—courtships?— [lndianapolis Journal. * AB ADVERTIBED. Sufferer—You advertfee to pull teeth without pain. Is that true or false?” Dentist—lt’s true—if the teeth am false 1” ANOTHER MATTER. "Jones has skipped with 120,000.** " He’s a genius! ” "And he took your umbrella along, too.” “ He’s an infernal scoundrel!”— [Hallo. PROPOSING UNDER DIFFICULTIES. " What was the greatest disappointment of your life?” asked her dear friend. " When adeaf anddumb man tried to tell me he loved me in a dark hallway,” she responded.—[Hallo. FITTED IT. " What do you generally take after a full dinner at the club?” "An ambulance.” [New York. World. HAS GOOD REASONS. Viola—But, papa, the Marquis iM charming; and he is certainly generous to a fault. Papa—Well, he ought to be; he’e got more of them than anybody I know of. THE TRUTHFUL EPITAPH. A man lies here who was too wise (Or so he thought) to advertise. He’s very dead, as you may see; But his business is more dead than • he. —[Washington Star. NATURAL CURIOSITY. He—One half of the world doesn’t know how the other half lives. She—No; but it would give a good deal to find out. —[Detroit Free Press. EXCHANGE OF CONFIDENCE. Maude—l’m engaged to four men. Eleanor—Yes, three of them told me about It when they proposed tome.—[Chicago Record. NO IMPROVEMENT. Mr. Porkingham—You pay Mary’snew singing teacher twice as much ae you did the other one, don’t you? Mrs. Yes; he’s the most celebrated teacher in the city. Mr. Porkingham (in disgust)—Well, he’s a beat! Mary don’t sing a bit louder now than sne did when that cheap man was learning her.— [Puck. A SUPERFLUITY. " May I offer you my arm, Mite Jakersen?” ‘ "Thanks—l’ve got two of my own I” NEW ARITHMETIC. "Can you lend me |60?” " I was just going to ask you for ten.” "Oh, all right! Then you only owe me forty.”