Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 April 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd. Curious, and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature GraphlcaUy Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles of Spire. A loud wardrobe speaks for itself. —-Dallas News. A man who dAves away customers: The cabman.—Texas Siftings. A disagreeable Easter affair—a northeaster.—Lowell Courier. The robber usually attacks a train in a tender place.—Plain Dealer. The Order of the Garter—“ Give me a yard and a half of red silk elastic, please. ” —Truth. Times must be better when Easter flowers*fling scents in the highways. —Phlladelphia‘Becord. A woman may be very timid, but she is never afraid to strike a bargain.—Glens Falls Republican. The clown may be thick-headed, but he is usually quick to take a tumble.—Glens Falls Republican. Askem —I thought that Simpson’s fever had gone off. Torker—So it did, but Simpson went off with it.— Vogue. Wife—What are you coming home for at this time in the morning? Husband—For brek’fush.—Pearson's Weekly.

A “hanging committee” at art exhibitions is so called because it keeps the artists in suspense.—Yonkers Gazette. Woman’s fondness for bargains is not to her discredit. She loves what is cheap as welf as what is dear to her. Philadelphia Times. The boy whose mother goes to spank him always believes that it is more blessed to give than to receive. —Florida Times-Union. Teacher—“ What makes the earth go 'round, Tommy?” Tommy “Please’m, father says bad whisky will do it. ” —Raymond’s. Speaking of capital punishment, it is generally a case of poor execution when a woman undertakes to hang wall-paper.—Buffalo Courier. She—Who is that gruff old man you just spoke to? He—Oh, he has something to do with the civil service Yonkers Statesman. Old Lady—My friend, are you a Christian? Beggar—Well, mum, no one has ever accused me of workin’ on Sunday.—New York Weekly. Nell—“ What are you reading?” Belle—“ *A Model Man.’ It’s dreadfully stupid.” Nell—“ Yes, they usually are.”—Philadelphia Record. Lucy—And you’re going to marry that rich old fellow! Do you realize what you’re doing? Molly—Certainly, coining the seigniorage!—Plain Dealer. Passenger—“l say, conductor, there’s an old gentleman falling off the ’bus.” Conductor—“ That’s all right; he’s paid his fare.”—Pearson’s Weekly. “Wa’ll, now, if that don’t beat all. I’ve just been readin’ about them Colorado rainmakers, and now I see they’ve got a Clearing-House in New York.—Life.

Judge—“ Have you anything to offer the Court before sentence is passed?” Prisoner—No, your Honor. My lawyer, took my last shilling.”— Spare Moments “And now,’’said the new secretary, “yez may all rize, an’ whin I call the roll ivery wan who is prislnt may sit down; all the rist remain sthandin’." —Elmira Gazette. When a man loses an umbrella it begins to grow on him right away what a good umbrella that was and how nicely the handle was fitted to his hand.—Somerville Journal. Mr. Dooley—“ Gimme a bar of soap, please.” Shopman—“Yes, sir. Do you want it scented or unscented?” Dooley “Aw—niver moind; I'll just take it wid me.”—Brooklyn Life. “Hit am one ob de fus’ principles ob jommerty,” said Uncle Eben, “dat er man kain’t make ’is life er complete round ob pleasure an’ at de same time keep it square.”—Washington Star. Her Only Longing.—Mrs. Norris —“Since I have been married I have had only one wish ungratifled.” Mr. Norris “And what is that, my dear?” Mrs. Norris—“ That I were single again.”—Life. First Young Lady—Do you always buy two kinds of paper? Second Young Lady—Always. You see, when I write to Charlie I use red paper; that means love. When I answer Jim’s letters I use blue paper, which means “faithful unto death." —Brooklyn Life. “But, papa,” wailed the young woman, “you can have no idea how he loves me. He is willing to die for me this very minute.” “Well,” said the old man, scratching his head thoughtfully, “I don’t know that I have any objection to that. I was afraid he wanted to marry you. ” Tid-Bits. “Mister," said the small, neatly dressed boy, “have you seen anythin’ of a dog that looked like he was lost?” “No, my boy,” replied the kindly faced gentleman. “Are you sure you aren’t lost yourself?” “No, sir. I ain’t sure about hot bein’ lost. Fact is, I know' I’m 16§t. But, mister, that dog’s lost so much wuss’n I am that I ain't got time to think ’bout my own troubles. ” —Washington Star.