Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 April 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS ANO YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Ready to Begin--Better Than Electricity -- Modest Willie Early Depravity--Etc., etc. READY TO BEGIN. The Governor—Now that I’ve paid your debts, Harry, you can make a naw start. Harry—Thank you, father; please lend me a hundred.—[Truth. BETTER THAN ELECTRICITY. Agent—Wouldn’t you like to have a burglar alarm set up in your house? Mr. Binks—Don’t need it. I’ve got a wife.—[New York Weekly. MODEST WILLIE. "No,” said Willie Wibbles, “I‘jn not a bit afraid of a bicycle.” “You are quite brave,” said the young woman. “Oh, not necessarily,” rejoined Willie modestly. “You see, I nevah wide one. EARLY DEPRAVITY. “Papa,” asked Tommy Goodman, " who was Cain’s wife?” “Caroline,” said the Rev. Dr. Goodman, after an ominous pause, addressing his wife, “will you please hand me my heaviest slipper mid leave the room? There is going to be a trial for heresy right here and right now.”—[Chicago Tribune. AN IDIOTIC BIRD. “ I have a parrot at home that repeats every word I utter,” said Jarley. “What an idiot of a bird,” ejaculated Cynicus.—[Harper’s Bazar. A CONDITIONAL POP. “Then you are engaged?” “Conditionally.” “What do you mean?” “Why, George put the hypothetical question to me last night and I said yes.”—[.Judge.

SIGNS OF THE SEASONS. The earth exhibits signs of spring And brighter grow the days; A sign that birds will shortly sing For us their merry lays. Each season has its signs—the fall, Spring, winter, as they pass, And that of summer is for all The sign, “Keep off the grass.” —[New York Press. COULD DO WITHOUT IT. O’Jones—l don’t object to a man blowing his own horn if he wants to, do you? McSmith—Not at all; still, I have very little ear for that kind of music. TO STRENGTHEN IT. Mrs. Wreckhard (the landlady)—ls there anything I can help you to, Mr. Slimmer? Slimmer—Yes, ma’am. Can I have some milk put in this cream?— [Puck. ANSWERED. “What!” cried the orator, fiercely, “what, I ask, causes poverty?” And from the back of the hall a hoarse voice answered “Lack of cash.” IMPROPER FRACTIONS. Mamma (as she is serving the pie at table) —What is an improper fraction, Johnny? Johnny Anything less than a quarter, mamma.—[Newport News. A PRACTICAL VIEW OF IT. “They say the wolf is continually at their door.” “Well I don’t know what he is there for—they never have anything in the house.”—[New York Press.

OUT OF SIGHT. Investor—l see you have a railroad mapped out here, but where’s your town? Land Boomer—Well, to tell you the truth, it ain’t built yet; but there’s six candidates for Sheriff in them gallberry bushes, one moonlight distillery, three Prohibitionists and a pond for baptism.—[New York Press. TOO POOR. “Lend me ten, Fweddie.” “Can’t do it. I have just been jilted by a girl worth half a million.” —[Life. A DIALOGUE FROM LIFE. “Where are you going?” “To the chemist’s.” “Is it for yourself?” “Oh, no, fortunately—it’s for my wife.” —[Le Soir. ABSENT MINDED. Benson—l have a literary friend who is so absent-minded that when he went to London recently he telegraphed himself ahead to wait for himself at a certain place. Smith—Did the telegram have the desired result? Benson—No. He got it all right, but he had forgotten to sign his name, and not knowing who it was from, he paid no attention to it. — [Pearson’s Weekly.

FEELING IS BELIEVING, TOO. Teacher—l don’t suppose any one of the little boys here has ever seen a whale? Boy (at the foot of the class) —No, sir. but I’ve felt one.— [Brooklyn Life. THE GENIAL POET. “Ma, ha,” laughed the poet. “Haye’s a good joke.” “What is it?” asked his wife. “ Why,” returned the genial bard, “ a fellow wrote to me for my autograph the other day and I sent it to him. Then what does he do but copy it on a check and try to get some money at a bank. Tried to get good cash, my dear, with my name on a check. Ha, ha!” [Philadelphia Life. SOCIETY ORNAMENTS. De Snapp—l congratulate you, old fellow. Miss Purkey’s face is rather plain, but she is worth $200,000. De Muttinedd—Thanks, dear boy. You are right. It was her figure that attracted me.—[Chicago Tribune. HER SOCIAL TRIUMPH. Mrs. Gossip—l hear you attracted much notice on your appearance in the social world abroad. e y—l should say so. I wore on an average from $20,000 to $85,000 of diamonds every ball. I went to.—[Chicago Record.

WAS AWARE Of IT. “Remember, witness,” sharply exclaimed the attorney for the defence, “you are on oath.” “There ain’t no danger of my forgettin* it,” replied the witness sullenly. “I’m tellin’ the truth fur nothin’ when I could have made by lyin’ fur your side of the case, an’ you know it.”—[Chicago Tribune. GROUND FOR DISBELIEF. Mrs. Mullins (reading the newspaper)—A Philadelphia man rejoices in the name of Medycvnv Garczynskiego. Mr. Mullins —I don’t believe it. “You don’t believe that is his right name?” “No; I don’t believe he rejoices in it.”—[Life. DIRECT FROM THE MUSEUM. “I see that the india rubber man and the ossified man are to have a walking match.” “Then I bet on the india rubber man.” “Why?” “Well he may not do much on the first half, but he is sure to show himself on the homestretch.” “That’s all very true, but at the same time he’ll find the ossified man a hard man to beat.”—[New York Press. THE BETTER WAY. Chollie —I was so angry at my man this mawnin’ that I kicked him. Chappie—Deah me! How could you do such a thing? Chollie—Why, what do you do when you get angwy at youah man? Chappie—l make him kick himself.”—[Harper’s Bazar.

queer, very! Van Arndt—Funny thing about society. Miss Whirlsfair—What is? Van Arndt—A girl is not “in” it until she has “come out.” —[Truth. A CASE IN POINT. “Jones says the ocean is a living thing and that it has intelligence. The idea of water having intelligence!”— “I don’t know about that. I’ve seen the rain pouring over a book.” —[New York Press. HIGHER PRICED. Mrs. Skimps—How much do you charge for weaving rag carpet? Old Mrs. Loomis (the weaver) — Fifteen cents a yard, mum. Mrs. Skimps—Oh, that’s too high. I will give you twelve and a half. Old Mrs. Loomis (with dignity)I’m a carpet weaver, mum, not a spring poet.—[Philadelphia Life. NERVOUS. Spectator—Doesn’t it require a good deal of courage to go up in a balloon? Aeronaut —Not a bit, ma’am. It’s the coming down in it. HER WISH SET FORTH, She—You are getting angry now; you know you are. He —I am doing nothing of the sort. I can get angry if you wish me to. She—But I don’t wish you to get angry except when I don’t wish you to.—[lndianapolis Journal.