Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 13, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 April 1894 — Page 6

OtStmocraiicStiitinci RENSSELAER, INDIANA. J. W. McEWEN. - - Pubushd.

AT OLD FORT MARION

THE QUAINT DEFENSE OF ST. AUGUSTINE, FLA. Aa Hletorie Spot Which BaeaDa Kaay Beenea of Interest—Two ladlaa Captives —A Fort Has Existed There for Over Three Centuries. Story of the Place. There are few places in these United States about which clings that old-time flavor of historical as-

sociation which forms such a charm about many spots i n England and Europe; few have that air, half true, half false, wholly I romantic and mysterious, which can call up dreams of the past and make

GRN. MARION.

the spectator for a time live in a world apart. Still, we are not wholly destitute of such spots, practical and common-sense people as we are. None, however, does that dim atmosphere of romance enshroud more closely than the old-world dty of BL Augustine, in Florida. Visions of Spanish grandees, of noble knights and fair ladies come to the visitor as he wanders through the ruined sections of the quaint old city and feeds his mind on stories of the SaL But it is in the old Fort arion that such visions come to him more perfectly and fill his mind with legends and traditions. Fort Marion is built on the north •nd of the sea wall and commands the harbor. A huge gray mass of ooquina stone, it rises up, the only example of mediaeval fortification on the continent and a fine specimen of military engineering at the date of

OLD FORT MARION, ST. AUGUSTINE, FLA.

Its construction. It covers more than twenty-two acres, and from Its walls may be had a magnificent view of the blue-and-silver sea and the white breakers dashing in yeasty spray against the barrier built to repress their violence. On the fort’s outer wall is an escutcheon bearing the arms of Spain, beneath which a worn and broken tablet gives the date of the fort’s completion, 1756, when Don Ferdinand VL was King of Spain. Within is a central court and from this open various small rooms used once for barracks, storerooms, messrooms, etc. A Grewiome Place. From one of these rooms the visitor enters the far-famed dungeon of Fort Marion. A narrow passage In the

solid masonry leads from a small room to a hole two feet square, and through which, for five feet, the visiter crawls into in inner vault. The arched roof here is* of solid masonry and there Is no other qutlet than the hole. In one

THE SPANISH ARMS.

of these chambers are still pointed out marks in the masonry in the shape of a cross where the woodwork of a rack to torture-criminals upon la said to have been imbedded. Human bones are said to have been found there and rusty chains with which the helpless victims were confined while their lives wore away in that damp, dark dungeon,, shut out forever from the sun and warmth, hearing no •pond, however much they might of one word of human speech. The existence of this inner vault was unknown until 1839 when, [some repairs being made to the fort, it was accidentally discovered. It may disappoint the reader to know that, after all, authorities doubt whether these “dungeons” were anything more than rubbish holes and whether any human _ bones were found at all. There is no harm, however, in clinging to the story and no one need reject even the tale of the rack If he has a real liking for horrors.

Tw6 ladlaa Captive*. But there are some true romantic stories cCApdcted with the old fort which, inthqir way, are quite as satisfactory as these more grewsome

OSCEOLA.

they were to Fort Moultrie in Charleston harbor. The chiefs were Osceola and Coacoochee. The latter resolved on escape and with great daring and bravery managed to get out of the fortress. He crawled up to a window, qr rather a narrow silt in the wall of his cell, 25 feet from the outside ground. Here he fastened a rope which he put out the window, with much difficulty he got his head through and, incredible as it seems, worked his body, intq the open air. He was fqrcqq. to make the first part •f the descent head downward, he says in the account he has given of

his escape, but he finally achieved IV At last, however, Coacoochee .surrendered and Osceola was removed to Fort Moultrie, where he afterward died. A tree is growl hg An the wall near the casement whence Coacoochee made hia etcafcie and it is still pointed out to visitors, who regard it with much interest The Fort's History. Under different names, and having different forms, a fort has existed at St Augustine for more than three centuries. It was formerly a rude log structure and gradually was replaced by a building of stone. Menendez, the founder of the city, began the fort by using the Indian log council house there standing as a defense against the threatened attack by the Huguenots from Fort Caroline, on the St John’s River. Menendez, on one occasion, massacred some Huguenots and, fearing a hostile fleet from France, made additions to the fortification, strengthening the log structure. Discoveries of coquina quarries suggested to the Spaniard that he should put a stone structure on the site, and this was begun about the middle of the 17th century. Convicts from Spain and Mexico, Indians, and slaves all toiled at the walls and, when Jonathan Dickinson, the shipwrecked Quaker of Philadelphia, came to St Augustine in 1695, the walls were thirty feet high. It was then called San Marco, and under that name was vainly besieged by Moore, the British Governor of Carolina, and Gov. Oglethorpe of Georgia in 1740. In 1821 the fort came into the possession of the United States and was renamed Fort Marion in honor of Gen. Francis Marlon, the famous revolutionary hero.

GIFTS FOR CONVALESCENTS.

They Should Be Chosen with Very Great Consideration. If there is anything more hopeless and discouraging to the woman recovering from optic troubles than to have adoring friends send her gifts of brllliantrhued flowers, it is to have them send her books. The Invalid, who is growing strong slowly on a diet of beef tea, groans in spirit as tropical fruits and Wonderful Jellies are sent her. In short, the

lack of tact displayed by the kindhearted people, who wish to do something pleasant for their convalescent, friends, is probably the cause of many a relapse. If one wishes to send dainties in the line of food the only sensible plan is to find out from the doctor, nurse or family as gracefully as possible what the patient is allowed to eaL Then send the favorite ice cream, or the grapes, or oranges, or the calfsfoot jelly, done up, so daintily the invalid’s eyes will be delighted before his palate has a change to be. It is wise in selecting books and magazines to remember that the mind of a convalescent is almost as weak as his body, and that the “powerful” tales which the well world is reading are not adapted to his men-, tai needs. Pretty, graceful, romantic stories that are not novels with a “purpose, ” light rhymes—never poems that lead to introspection—are the proper intellectu l pabulum. Flowers are generally a delight, but those with strong odors must be avoided. So also must those which long association has made symbols of death. Colored blossoms, with faint fragrance, are better than even the least heavy of the white waxy flowera—New Yerk Sun.

James Payn tells in the Indepen dent of an amusing incident which took place the other day on board an Australian liner. A shy Australian Major, after spending the first evening very late with his friends in the saloon, suddenly returned to them after saying good-night, and requested an Interview with the pursuer; he was very white. “There is a lady,” he said, “in my cabin, No. 4 .” “Rubbish!” exclaimed the purser; “here’s the list; your companion is CapL Higginson.” “Nothing will induce me to go Into the cabin again,” said the Major. “Well, I’ll go,” returned the other. He returned with great celerity, and with as white a face as the major’s. ... . “Upon my life, you fire right; we’ll, put you somewhere else for the night, and see about it in the morning.” With the earliest dawn they sought the steward, and demanded an explanation. “It’s all a mistakf!,. gentlemen, ” he said; “it’s CapL Higginson, all right; here's his luggage.** '■ ’ ‘ r ~ “We must have this explained,” said the purser',‘’’this 'portmanteau is unlocked—let ns see what is in it” It was a lady’s apparel. “By Jlnjo!” cried the steward, “that’s what comes of taking names as don’t belong tame. She said she was Capt Higginson; but she didn’t say It was only in the Salvation Army!”

tales. Two of the most Influential I n dian chiefs in the Seminole war which began In t 1835 were capitated and 1mhere with their followers, whence

Charles S. Scanlan, of the Cincinnati Enquirer—John R. McLean’s newspaper—was once sent into a small town in the Southwest (says the Journalist) to get the story of a woman evangelist who had been greatly talked about Scanlan attended one of her meetings, and occupied a front seat When those who wished to be saved were asked to arise, Scanlan kept his seat and used'his notebook. The woman approached, and, taking him by the hand, Said: “Come to Jesus.” “Madam,” said th? newspaper man, “I’m here solely on business to report on your work.” “Brother,*Said she, “there is no business so important as God’s.” “Well, maybe not, ” said Scanlan; “but you don’t know JohnJscLean. ”

The Shy Australian Major.

Didn’t Know McLean.

GOVERNOR WAITE OF COLORADO.

WHERE OCEANS ALMOST MEET.

A Kentucky Engineer's Idea as to the Place for a Panama Canal. J. A. Karweise, a Kentucky civil engineer, has arrived at Tacoma from the United States of Colombia on business connected with the new state capital, and brings with him charts and drawings and estimates of construction of an ocean level ship canal, which, owing to heretofore undiscovered natuial formations and fissures in the backbone of the Cordilleras discovered by him, can be built for 988,000,000 less than the Nicaragua Canal, and can be completed, in three years from the date of beginning work, for $48,000,000. At the point where Mr. Karweise claims to have made his discovery the Atlantic and Pacific ocean tides approach within eighteen miles of each other. This, in connection with the new fissure discoveries in the Cordilleras, results from the lagoons and marshes of the Gulf of Darien on the Atlantic side and the San Miguel Bay on the other. Mr. Karweise favors the joint building by all nations of a double-track ship canal at the point of his discoveries and the setting aside of a neutral zone. He does not believe in the feasibility of the 168-mile long lift-lock Nicaragua Canal, and said, in speaking to a correspondent of the Globe-Democrat, of his discoveries: The location of the dzmble-track ocean-level ship canal route is directly south of the eastern isthmus bend, and actually in the northwest corner of the South American continent. The distance between the points 'where the ocean tide ends is eighteen and a half miles and the total length of the combined canal works, inclusive of 11,800 feet tunnel, is eight and five-eighths miles. The so-called free navigation exceeds eleven miles in distance, and a carefully prepared estimate of the cost puts the total canal expenditure at $48,000,000, and the commencement of operation of his double-track ocean-level ship canal route thirty-eight months from the time of beginning labor. The harbors at each end of the proposed double-track ship canal route are of magnificent proportions and may be counted as the finest and safest on the continent, with San Miguel Bay as the Pacific harbor and the Gulf of Darien as the harbor in connection with the Atlantic ocean. The discovery of fissures in the two backbones of the Cordilleras immediately west of the principal mountain which is proposed to be pierced by a tunnel will alter all ideas about the correct location of the Atlantic and Pacific ship canal all over the world. There is no interior work along the proposed ocean-level ship canal route necessary, dredging excepted. Therefore no railroad line for the transportation of heavy building material will be necessary. One lock at each end for the protection of the shipping trade, against high tide, volcanic tidal waves and other unforeseen disturbances will be sufficient for the proposed double-track ship canal, which will be a quadruple channel for about eleven miles at the free navigation level. The method of construction is clever and ingenious, with the assistance of the most superior mechanical devices. The total ship canal length will not exceed twenty-eight and miles of distance te tween the salt waters. The great canal tunnel is measured at 11,800 feet in length, exclusive of the approaches.

Trade in Crusading Times.

The trade and manufactures of the Christian realm in Palestine were regulated. Moslem caravans were protected by treaty, and merchants of Mosul were established in Acre. The imposts on every kind of merchandise were fixed, and custom houses and toll bars were established along the roads or at the city gates. There was also an excellent law that none might carry arms in the streets, which must have prevented many violent outbreaks. In the bazaars of Aleppo and Damascus were to be found the carpets of Bagdad and Persia, with glass from Irak, and Chinese porcelain, ivory, and perfumes, sandalwood, musk, and aloes, civet and spices, silks^velvets, satin, cloth, including camlets of camel-hair, tyrlan from Tyre, qnd cotton. Many precious drugs were sold, such a» opium and

rhubarb, tamarind, cantharides, cardamons, scammony, and senna. A great trade with Northern Rus sla, having its port at the mouth of the Don, brought from the “land of darkness” rich furs of the ermine, the Siberian squirrel, the red and white fox, the marten, beaver, otter, and wildcat. The Latins were very fond of fur for dress and for the “mantle” of scarlet, fur lined, in which they slepL The furriers had a street in Jerusalem, and the Moslems also, especially in the North, were equally accustomed to the use of precious furs. The trading stations of the Jews, the Genoese, and the Venetians extended far into Turkestan, north of the Oxus, and at Aden the Arab traders of the Red Sea met Chinese junks and brought the wealth of India and of the far East to the Italian markets in Alexandria. Moslem laws allowed the pilgrim to Mecca to trade on his journey.—The Edinburgh Review.

ESCAPED WITH HIS LIFE.

The Burglar Secured No Booty, but Wai Not Inclined to Complain. Lightly the burglar moved from room to room through the bouse, whose inmates, wrapped in the blissful sleep that comes to the weary breast after an evening spent at an amateur concert, heard not his feathery footfall. Borne to his quickened senses from the sleeping chambers came the sound of deep, regular breathing that seemed mechanically to mark the flightof time as it moved on sluggish wing toward the great beyond, says the Chicago Tribune. Passing noiselessly into a large apartment he turned his dark lantern about until its pale rays fell upon a rich dressing-case on whose polished marble top were scattered in careless profusion the jewelry and other personal adornments of some strangely neglectful wearer. His hand closed eagerly on the costly trinkets and he was on the point of transferring them to the capacious pocket of his overcoat, when one of the slumberers moved uneasily and in a muffled voice made the remark: “Great Scott, Emily, I thought I had explained it so you could understand it! Now, if you won’t interrupt me I’ll give you the facts about this whole tariff business from beginning to end ” The jewelry fell from the nerveless grasp of the burglar. Gasping for breath, he staggered to the nearest window, jumped blindly through it, carrying the sash with him, and fell upon the sloping roof of the kitchen, from which be rolled to the top of the coal shed and thence to the ground, alighting in a snowbank; and without stopping to pick uo his hat or his lantern he dashed with breathless haste away from the premises and vanished in the darkness. He had secured no booty, but he had escaped a horror worse than death.

Sherman Had His Fun.

In 1886, General Sherman, then retired, visited a military post and was present while the class was at signal drill. The instruction was with the heliograph—an instrument invented since the Civil War. The General seemed interested, but affected not to understand its use, and wanted it explained, at the same time he stood so as carefully to intercept with his person the sun’s rays from the mirror, so the signaling ceased. “Go on with your work, boys! Don't stop/or me, I’m a back number!" called the General. “We can’t, General. You are cutting off the light," replied the operator at the screen. The General jumped back quickly, apologizing as he did so: “Yes, yes, the world is marching on and we old men have had our day and are straggling behind. Why, in my time we did this sort of thing by shaking flags, and we called it ‘wig-wag.’” Then he laughed and walked away across the green parade. A deal of sympathy is wasted on the American woman who marries a foreign title, and finds that she has made a bad trade. The woman who marries for a title is not entitled to sympathy, and the man who marries that kind of a woman is as much to be pitied as she is. It is a swindle on both sides. Aik is a meal of which we are con stantly partaking—hence it should always be pure.

SUN AND RAIN SHADES.

Aa English Philanthropist ta« Krrt Maa to Habitually Carry an Umbrella. About 140 or 150 years ago a bloodless revolution was brought about io London by a single man, says the New York Evening Post. He was Jonas Hanway, a well-known philanthropist and founder of the Magdalen Hospital, who first had the courage habitually to carry and use an umbrella in public. Up to this time the umbrella bad been considered as essentially an article of feminine equipment and luxury, and the Innovation was naturally for a long time a subject of derision in general, but, most especially, from the hackney coachmen and chairmen of the day, who considered the use of them an invasion of their vested rights. Macdonald, a literary footman of that time, who wrote an autobiography, informed his readers that he had “a fine silk umbrella brought from Spain, but could notfwith any comfort to himself use it, the people balling out: ‘Frenchman, why don’t you get a coach?’ ” So remarkable was the appearance of an umbrella in those days that the “debut” of one in many other English towns was quite a news item, like the monster gooseberry or sea serpent in later days. So we read of a red Leghorn umbrella appearing in Bristol about 1780 and creating quite a sensation. In Edinburgh a Dr. Spens was said to have been the first to carry one in public. Horace Walpole tells also how a Dr. Shebbeare, who was prosecuted for seditious writings in 1758, “stood in the pillory, having a footman holding an umbrella to keep off the rain.” For permitting this indulgence to a malefactor, the undersheriff was pun. ished. Of the antiquity of the umbrella or parasol there can be no doubt; but the origin of it is wrapped in considerable obscurity. Investigators of umbrella lore have supposed that large leaves, tied to the extrem. ity of a bough, suggested the first idea; others assert that it was probably derived from a tent; the tradition existing in China is that the Han, which signifies a shade for sun or rain, originated in standards and banners waving in the air. The humble mushroom can also modestly claim some share of the idea, and this claim to the original patents is acknowledged by the Parisians, who call their shelters, erected for equestrians in the Bois de Boulogne, “Champignons."

Bob Ingersoll's Charity. Col. Ingersoll has the kindest of hearts towards all mankind. Only a few days ago a newspaper man told me a characteristic story about him. This newspaper man found himself in New York out at elbow, unable to get work, and unwilling, of course, to ask for alms. In his straits it occurred to him to go and see Col. Ingersoll, although he was quite sure that the Colonel would not remember the single occasion when they had met. “Well, what can I do for you, young man?” said the Colonel, coming right to the point “I am a newspaper reporter and want you to give me an interview. ” “On what subject?” “Any subject you please, sir." “For what paper?” “For any paper that will buy it of me.” “Well, that’s cool ! Don’t you know my time is valuable?” “Yes; but I am in a tight place, I am out of work; I don’t know what way to turn. There is always a market for what you say. Talk to me twenty minutes and it will be $25 or SSO in my pocket” “But I would rather give or lend you the money. ” “I couldn’t take it as a gift, and I nave no right to ask a loan. I want to earn it and I think I am justified in asking charity to the extent of a few minutes of your time.” “All right,” was the cherry rejoinder. “Fire away with your questions. ” The reporter “fired away” on the first topics that came into his mind, and soon had material which he made into copy salable to a syndicate for SIOO. Nor was Ingersoll’s good nature exausted with a single interview. Said my friend: “I ate, drank, and slept on Ingersoll for a month, or until I got regular work, and whenever he gave me an interview he went over my notes and touched tnem up until the matter was in his I est style. That’s the sort of man Bob Ingersoll is.” —Chicago Inter Ocean.

Untimely Candor. A bleak, cold sensation recently crept between a charming hostess of Indianapolis and her favorite cook. The latter, a thorough Celt, it is said, brought the trouble on herself by indulging in one of her characteristically candid and honest speeches, which for a long time have inspired feelings of terror in the family of her employer. The inmates of the household felt that it was only a question of time when Biddy would plunge them all into an avalanche of disgrace, and last week the anticipated moment arrived. Mrs. B. gave a swell dinner to some of her friends. The service was perfect. The hostess had ordered the cuisine prepared especially for the palates of doctors, lawyers, and some literary persons, who were her guests. The dinner moved along very well up to the point where the figger-bowls should have been brought in. Here an embarrassing silence ensued. Mrs. 8., ajarmed over the derelict conduct of Biddy in neglecting this Important detail, touched the bell that brought the ccok from the kitchen. “Biddy,” interrogated the hostess, “you have neglected the finger-bowls; bring them at once.” The broad face of the domestic lapsed Into a picture of blank despair, ks she whispered, in a voice distinctly audible: “Shure, mom, an’ Oi’ve not had to wash thim after moldin’ the’ .‘.illy in thim." The amusement of the guests was as acute as was the horror of Mrs. B. Notice has been given to the candid Biddy. J ■ ■ , , ' Niw Yoke City has sixteen million dollars invested in school sites and buildings. This is considerably more than the annual expenditure on education'of Italy and Spain combined.

TO BURN UP SMOKE.

Slaipto Mean* of Proem-tag 1“ Almost Complete Coneamptlon. The St Louis Post-Dispatch has interested itself in smoke consumers, and as a result makes public a device which can be applied without trouble to any furnace. It is not patented. This is how it is made: Bore four one-inch boles through the furnace front, just above the fire doors, as shown in cut. Run a three-quarter inch steam-supply pipe across the

FRONT VIEW.

front, with one-half inch T’s opposite each hole. To each “T” connect a S»iece of half-inch pipe of sufficient ength to reach through, forming the jets. Place a valve in the supply pipe, in front of the boiler, handy for firemen to regulate. A good way to make the jet is to forge a plug in the end of the pipe, in the end of which bore a one-eighth-inch hole.in-, cline the Jets at an angle on a line with the center cross line of bridge wall, clearing the fire. The opening of the fire-door must, be governed according to the draught. When putting in a fresh fire open the supply valve one or two turns, and in place of shutting the doors leave, them open about one inch, and if the; smoke does not disappear open themi a half-inch further. When the smoke has entirely disappeared the proper amount of air to complete the com-; bustion is being admitted. The open-' ing of the doors is very necessary.i The large area around them admits

SECTION VIEW.

of an even distribution of air obtained in no better way. The in-, creased combustion equalizes the. small amount of steam used. This device is not injurious to the boiler in any way, and is recommended by the St. Louis boiler inspectors.

CEMETERY FOR DOGS.

There Is One Near the Victoria in Hyde Park* London. Near the Victoria, in Hyde Park, London, is a cemetery for pet dogs.; The cemetery is well cared for, and 1

A CEMETERY FOR DOGS.

rising in the midst of flowers and shrubs are numerous small marble tombstones. These tokens of remembrance are variously inscribed, but usually only the name of the pet that is burled beneath is printed on the slab Each grave has its welltrimmed bushes of evergreen, and scattered about are many ornaments.

MISERIES OF THE GREAT.

Annoyances, Physical and Otherwise, that Made Genius Groan. Nero had bulging eyes and was very near-sighted. De Foe had more than one dose of Newgate and the pillory. Spenser, the poet, suffered the extremes of poverty and neglect. Cowper was all his days overshadowed by the gloom of insanity. ’ Julius Ctesar had weak digestion and was subject to epileptic fits. Cervantes was always poor and constantly annoyed by bls creditors? Milton was blind in his old age and often lacked in comforts of llfe.i Peter the Great was half crazy' most of his life, through drink and rage. Mohammed was an epileptic, and his visions were those of a diseased, mind. Gibbon had the gout. He became so stout that he could not dress himself. Bacon was avaricious, and his greed for money finally led, to his disgrace. Tasso was miserably poor most of his days. His miseries finally drove him mad. Selden was once committed to, prison for his attacks on the divine right of kings. Palestrina lived in extreme poverty most of his days, and finally died in great want Charlemagne bad an ulcer in his leg that gave him much annoyance for many years. Johnson was near-sighted and his face much disfigured by scars resultr ing from scrofula. Coke was quarrelsome, and passed, his life in almost continual war with' his associates. Byron was club-footed, and th& fact was a source of constant misery to him all his life. Dante passed most of his life as an exile from the only city in which he cared to live.

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd. Curious, and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature GraphlcaUy Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles of Spire. A loud wardrobe speaks for itself. —-Dallas News. A man who dAves away customers: The cabman.—Texas Siftings. A disagreeable Easter affair—a northeaster.—Lowell Courier. The robber usually attacks a train in a tender place.—Plain Dealer. The Order of the Garter—“ Give me a yard and a half of red silk elastic, please. ” —Truth. Times must be better when Easter flowers*fling scents in the highways. —Phlladelphia‘Becord. A woman may be very timid, but she is never afraid to strike a bargain.—Glens Falls Republican. The clown may be thick-headed, but he is usually quick to take a tumble.—Glens Falls Republican. Askem —I thought that Simpson’s fever had gone off. Torker—So it did, but Simpson went off with it.— Vogue. Wife—What are you coming home for at this time in the morning? Husband—For brek’fush.—Pearson's Weekly.

A “hanging committee” at art exhibitions is so called because it keeps the artists in suspense.—Yonkers Gazette. Woman’s fondness for bargains is not to her discredit. She loves what is cheap as welf as what is dear to her. Philadelphia Times. The boy whose mother goes to spank him always believes that it is more blessed to give than to receive. —Florida Times-Union. Teacher—“ What makes the earth go 'round, Tommy?” Tommy “Please’m, father says bad whisky will do it. ” —Raymond’s. Speaking of capital punishment, it is generally a case of poor execution when a woman undertakes to hang wall-paper.—Buffalo Courier. She—Who is that gruff old man you just spoke to? He—Oh, he has something to do with the civil service Yonkers Statesman. Old Lady—My friend, are you a Christian? Beggar—Well, mum, no one has ever accused me of workin’ on Sunday.—New York Weekly. Nell—“ What are you reading?” Belle—“ *A Model Man.’ It’s dreadfully stupid.” Nell—“ Yes, they usually are.”—Philadelphia Record. Lucy—And you’re going to marry that rich old fellow! Do you realize what you’re doing? Molly—Certainly, coining the seigniorage!—Plain Dealer. Passenger—“l say, conductor, there’s an old gentleman falling off the ’bus.” Conductor—“ That’s all right; he’s paid his fare.”—Pearson’s Weekly. “Wa’ll, now, if that don’t beat all. I’ve just been readin’ about them Colorado rainmakers, and now I see they’ve got a Clearing-House in New York.—Life.

Judge—“ Have you anything to offer the Court before sentence is passed?” Prisoner—No, your Honor. My lawyer, took my last shilling.”— Spare Moments “And now,’’said the new secretary, “yez may all rize, an’ whin I call the roll ivery wan who is prislnt may sit down; all the rist remain sthandin’." —Elmira Gazette. When a man loses an umbrella it begins to grow on him right away what a good umbrella that was and how nicely the handle was fitted to his hand.—Somerville Journal. Mr. Dooley—“ Gimme a bar of soap, please.” Shopman—“Yes, sir. Do you want it scented or unscented?” Dooley “Aw—niver moind; I'll just take it wid me.”—Brooklyn Life. “Hit am one ob de fus’ principles ob jommerty,” said Uncle Eben, “dat er man kain’t make ’is life er complete round ob pleasure an’ at de same time keep it square.”—Washington Star. Her Only Longing.—Mrs. Norris —“Since I have been married I have had only one wish ungratifled.” Mr. Norris “And what is that, my dear?” Mrs. Norris—“ That I were single again.”—Life. First Young Lady—Do you always buy two kinds of paper? Second Young Lady—Always. You see, when I write to Charlie I use red paper; that means love. When I answer Jim’s letters I use blue paper, which means “faithful unto death." —Brooklyn Life. “But, papa,” wailed the young woman, “you can have no idea how he loves me. He is willing to die for me this very minute.” “Well,” said the old man, scratching his head thoughtfully, “I don’t know that I have any objection to that. I was afraid he wanted to marry you. ” Tid-Bits. “Mister," said the small, neatly dressed boy, “have you seen anythin’ of a dog that looked like he was lost?” “No, my boy,” replied the kindly faced gentleman. “Are you sure you aren’t lost yourself?” “No, sir. I ain’t sure about hot bein’ lost. Fact is, I know' I’m 16§t. But, mister, that dog’s lost so much wuss’n I am that I ain't got time to think ’bout my own troubles. ” —Washington Star.

Couldn’t Forego His Plaint.

It is supposed that business letters are deficient in humor. Still there have been exceptions, and the very latest, sent by a member of the wellknown soap-making firm (let us say) of Cake & Son, is one of the most brilliant A retail dealer in a small way had sent for a consignment of their goods: “Gentlemen”(he writes), “wherefor have you not sent me the sope? His it bekawse, ypu think my money is not so good as nobody elses? Dam you, Cake & Son! wherefor have you not sent the sope? Please send sope at once, and oblige, your respectful servant, Richard'JonEs. p. s Since writing the above, my wife has foiinid the sope uqder the counter,,”