Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 March 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. KauT Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phaaei ‘ of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word ArttaU of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Bprinklee of Bplee. Yon can easily fill the public eye If you have the dust—Siftings. There is nothing more positive than a woman’s negative.—Yonkers Gazette. You never realize bow near an alarm clock is till it “goes off."— Yohkers Gazette Jones—What does he do? Brown —Do? Why, he does everybody.— Florida Times-Union. One reason why some men are sc lean is because they have thrown all their fat into the fire.— Dallas News. A tart is a little pie. but in the composing-room a little pl has often made more than one tart —Lowell Courier. Landlady—Do you like your steak rare, sir? New Boarder Yes, ma’am, rare as once a month.—Boston Courier. The whole money-getting world is running a race for a dollar which may be counterfeit when it is caught —Picayune. There’s a lesson to be learned from the pin, my son. It is given a head that it may not go too far.— Boston Transcript. Heiress—“ There’s a man after my own heart.” Papa—“ Who?” Heiress—“ The count But he won’t get it!”—New York World!” A London paper publishes the names of several public men who use hair-dye. The dark secret is out at last—Philadelphia Ledger. A State newspaper headed an article on the fall of a colored workman from a lofty building “A Chocolate Drop. ” —Philadelphia Record. Mabel—“Do you not think Mr. De Little a man of small caliber?” Grace —“Perhaps, but I’m sure of one thing: he’s a big bora”—London Life. i Burglar—Sho, miss, I wouldn’t harm a hair of your head. Young Woman—lt isn’t my hair that I’m thinking of; it’s my pocketbook.— Judge. The Heiress—l don’t see why you fell in love with so homely a girl as myself, George? George—Oh, my dear, I know you are as good as gold. —Judge. “How do you know she is plainlooking? You haven’t seen her.” “I wrote to her in praise of her intellectuality and she didn’t get miffed.”— Boston Transcript. “Religion,” says the Manayunk philosopher, “makes good armor in the battle of life; but many who are too lazy to fight use it as a cloak.”— Philadelphia Record. “Is Tompkins henpecked?" “Is he?” exclaimed Potts. “I should say he is. He doesn’t even dare to claim a full proprietary interest in his own rheumatism. ” —lndianapolis Journal. Weary Ruggles—“l’m goin’ to git m’ hair cut.” Dusty Rhodes—- “ Gee whizl Whut fer?” Weary Raggles (hysterically)—“Why, der people’s gettin’ to tike me fer a poet!” —Truth. A shuffle of frozen boots, a dull thud, a few , and another citizen is filled with regrets that he did not take to the middle of the street in the first place.—Pittsburg Dispatch. Sunday-school Teacher—What is your definition of an honest man, Johnnie? Johnnie (whose father is a First Ward politician)—A man who stays bought when he’s bought.— Philadelphia Record. Mrs. Portly Pompous—lt is a little strange that you are unwilling to Show your references. Servant—l hesitate out of consideration for those people who change their servants every week.—-Texas Siftings. Blobbs—“Did Funnicus enjoy himself at the church fair last night?” Slobbs—“Not a bit. There were oysters in the stew, and it was positively painful to see his disap. poiutment.”—Philadelphia Record. Jack—“ What’s Georgie doing yondah?” Reggy “Collecting his thoughts.” Jack—“ Well, if they’re as bad as his pokah debts he’ll dun himself into insanity before he gets there, b’ Jove!”—New York World. Politeness explained: Mrs. Morlarity (doing Paris) —“D’ye notice how polite these Frinchmen are to wan another?” Mr. Moriarity—“Yis, begorry! Ido belave each wan av thim is afraid av ivery other wan av them.” —Puck. ' Master (examining class In geography)—“What is the name of this town?” Pupil—“ Birmingham.” Master—“ What is it noted for?” Pupil—- “ Firearms. ” Master—“ What are firearms?” Pupil—“ Poker, shovel and tongs. ” —Tid-Bits. “Would you call Dexter a poet?” “No, sir. He is a riminal.” “A what?” “Riminal. That’s a word of my own. If a man who commits crimes is a criminal I don’t see why a man who commits rhymes shouldn’t be a riminal. * —Llfa i Auntie—Does your new doll close its eyes? Little Ethel—Yes’qj, but she is the most wakeful child 1 ever saw. She doesn’t shut her eyes when il lay her down, as sht> ta The Only way to make her go to sleep is to stand her on her head and shake her. —Good News.