Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 11, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 30 March 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. AR AEI 1 u I n rjjrit m Ml. #** 1 *» ■» I iiM <U vi ii v II i In Constant Exooctation--Con-tempt of Court-- Eta., Etc. A REPLY. Creditor—Look here, now. I want an answer. When are you going to pay my bill? Chollie—Aw —m’dear sir, I’m no prophet. INDICTMENT “QUASHED.” She was a lawyer’s daughter; but he kissed her. “ Sir,” she exclaimed, “ how dare you? Don’t you know I can have you indicted for larceny?” “ All right,” he replied. “If you do, I’ll have you charged with receiving stolen property!”—[Truth. IN CONSTANT EXPECTATION. He (audaciously)—Suppose I were to kiss you unaware. She (coyly)—l don’t believe you could.—[Browning’s Monthly. CONTEMPT OF COURT. Littleton—Our judge is a great joker. Coke—Yes, and his judicial decisions are the greatest jokes of all. NAUGHTY-CAL. Gerald—ls you were but this gleaming shore, Jeanette, how would I yearn to be yon white-winged yacht 1 Jeanette—And why, Gerald, would you be yon yacht! Gerald—See how it hugd the shore, Jeanette!—[Browning’s Monthly. SOMEWHAT AMBIGUOUS. Ethel—l have kept him at a distance, but he still continues his attentions. Clarissa—You were right to keep him at a distance. As long as you do so you may be sure of him.—-[New York Press. a woman’s no. Mrs. Younglove Did I really promise to “love, honor and obey” you? Younglove—Yes; but I’m not feeling at all puffed up or certain about it. Mrs. Younglove—Why, Henry, why do you say that? Younglove—Because I also remember your saying “No,” just before our engagement was announced. ■ LIMITED. Borrows —Have you any spare funds? Lenddes (curtly)—My funds are all spare.—[Chicago Record. couldn’t stand it. Bingo—You know that new watchdog of mine? He’s left. > Kingley—Why, what was the matter? Bingo—l was foolish enough to take home a copy of a comic paper with a picture of a burglar in it.— [Judge. THIS ACTS AS A “§TAY.” “Wasn’t that young Mr. Tiff who left the house as I came in?” asked the Judge of his eldest daughter. “Yes, papa.” “Did I. not issue an injunction against his coming here any more?” “Yes, papa; but mamma has granted a supersedes pending an appeal.”—[Judge. NOT ALL HABIT, THOUGH. Bilkins—You look unhappy. Wilkins—Y-e-s; I—er—married a shop-girl, you know. ‘‘A charming little woman she is, too.” “Yes, I know; bless her! But every time she sees me she yells ‘Cash!’ ” —[Puck. REASONABLE. She —Should you die, are you opposed to my remarrying? He—No. She—Why not? He—Why should I be solicitous about the welfare of a fellow I’ll never know?—[Life. A MODERN DOMESTIC. “Why, you haven’t left your place, Mary?” “Yes, I have.” “Bless me. Why, everybody who has lived with Mrs. Blank gives her a good name.” “Yes; her hats ain’t becoming to me.”—[Texas Siftings. SURE OF THAT. Jones—This cigar you gave me is a vile one. Brown —You don’t know a good cigar when I give you one. Jones—Perhaps not, but I know a bad one.—[Truth. AN IMPOSSIBILITY. Mr. Sappy—A fellow tried to rob me of $lO last night, but he failed. She—Of course he failed. You can’t take something from nothing.— [Truth. TWO CAN DRESS AS CHEAPLY AS ONE. “Why, you silly boy, you couldn’t even pay my dressmaker’s bills.” “I know. But I can’t even pay my tailor’s bill now.”—[Life. AS HE DEFINED THE TERM. Harry—Who’s to be your best man? Jack—l haven’t decided yet; but I shall select him for his superlative goodness. Harry—How is that? Jack—Why, he’s to be the one who will loan me enough for a bridal tour. —[Puck. HER EXPERIENCE. Beardsley—What is the greatest piece of fiction in the world, in your estimation? Miss Passe (sourly)—Man 1 JUST THE OPPOSITE. The Judge Patrolman Jenkins says you were blind drunk. The Prisoner—lt is a mistake. Your Honor. Instead of being blind, I could see twice as much as on ordinary occasions—in short, I could see double. If I had not mistaken Patrolman Jenkins for two men, your Honor, I should not now be here. VOICE OF EXPERIENCE. "Appearances are very deceptive,” remarked the tenor.

“Yes,” replied the prima donna, “especially farewell appearances.”— [Washington Star. IT IS A FAILING WITH THEM ALL. “Your landlord has the character of being a very sociable man.” “Entirely too sociable. He calls to see me much oftener than I desire.” so MODEST. Edith—Do you know who was the prettiest girl at Mrs. Van Astor’s reception? Helen—You embarrass me! Most I answer? HE COVERED THE GROUND. Visitor —My son writes well, but wants a large field. What would you recommend? Editor—Mule and ten acres.—(Atlanta Constitution. UPHOLDING THE FAITH. Sunday-school Teacher —Tommy, I was shocked to hear you swearing so dreadfully at that strange boy as I came in. Tommy—l couldn’t help it, ma’am. He was making fun of our religion. —[Chicago Tribune. THE OLD man’s OCCUPATION “What’s John doing now?’* “College.” “And Bill?” “Lawyer.” “And Dick?” “Preachin’.” “And the old man?” “Well, he ain’t a-doin’of nothin* much, ’cept supportin’ of John, an’ Bill, an’ Dick!”—[Atlanta Constitution. THE CAUSE OF ANARCHY. “I know what is responsible for the rapid spread of anarchy,” said the talking philosopher. “It isn’t the unequal distribution of wealth, or starvation, or anything of that kind—we have those now in less amount than ever before. It’s nothin’ more than the street corner wiener wurst stands.” “ What?” “Fact. Fellow goes toward his home, feeling at peace with all the world, and the scent of the hot wiener wurst strikes his nose, and he buys one, eats it and then goes home to bed. He can’t go to sleep for hours, and lies there with his mind full of all the evil thoughts it is possible to crowd into it. Wakes up in the morning with his disposition utterly soured and becomes an Anarchist. Don’t statistics show that anarchy flourishes most in Germany? And isn’t that country the native land of the wiener wurst 1 'You bet it is. Why”— But at this point he found that he was talking to no one save himself.— [lndianapolis Journal.