Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 9, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 March 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Tanghahle Phases of Homan Nature GraphicaUy Portrayed by Eminent Word Artiste of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles of Spice. Of course a bright girl ought to have a spark of humor.—Lowell Courier. To tell a dignified citizen to pull down his vest is apt to raise his choler.—Siftings. The criminal Sheriff can manage an execution as soon as he gets the hang of the tbing.—Picayune. The fact that a woman is flighty by no means indicates that she is growing wings. —Detroit Tribune. Some fiddlers can play a tune on one string, but it never makes anybody want to dance.—Ram’s Horn. Teacher—Define quartz. Milkman's son (who is rather absentminded)—Pint and a half—Tid-Bits. Til—“What is your father going to give you when you get married?" Lil —“His consent, I suppose.”—The Standard. Duke of Squallbro—“l will never marry a woman cleverer than myself.” Miss Whlrlsfair—“You’ll have great trouble getting suited.”—Vogue. In olden times the Egyptians had a cat cemetery which they considered sacred. We suppose they called it their cattycombs.—Rochester Democrat The seraphic uplifting of the soul following one’s first shave in the downy period of one’s existence can never be repeated.—Boston Transcript. Dr. Bock, of Leipsic, says: “Beer is brutalizing, wine impassions, whisky infuriates. ” He is not the Bock the beer is named after, evidently.— Boston Globe. The editor who is always feeling the pulse of the people is not really interested in their heart-beats. It is his own circulation that he is looking after.—Life. Mr. Critic—“lf that’s ‘A Hunting Scene’ why don’t the men have guns?” Mr. Caustic—“ Perhaps the artist painted them so naturally that they’ve gone off.”—Jester. Jack (to his sister Ethel) —“Cholly Chumpleigh said he was coming round to propose to you to-night. Has he turned up?” Ethel—“ Yes, and been turned down. ” —Hallo. Maud—Why don’t you give young Sewers some encouragement if you love hi n? Nell—Oh, he ought to be able to press his own suit; he’s a tailor.—Philadelphia Record.

First Deacon (criticising minister) —“Well, if Mr. Ilardtext isn’t very interesting, he at least doesn’t slop over.” Second Deacon—“No; he is too dry for that. ’’—Texas Siftings. The Poet’s Wife —“They say that poetry is a drug on the market.” The Poet—“ Nonsense! If you’d ever sold any poetry and bought any drugs you’d know the difference "—Harlem Elderly Maiden—This is so unexpected, Mr. Wellalong, that—that you must give me time. Elderly Lover—Time, Miss Rebecca? Do you think there is any to spare?—Chicago Tribune. “This taxin’ incomes ain’t * the thing to do to make the country rich,” said Uncle Silas. “They’d oughter tax expenditures. People’d spend less’n’ save more then.—Harper’s Bazar. . “Miss Hevviswell asked me to call,” said Cholly, with a delighted grin. “Did she?” said his unkind friend. “She told me yesterday she was going to be very careful to avoid all pleasure during Lent.”—Washington Star. Close Merchant—Yes, sir, I want a new book-keeper, but you won’t do. Applicant—May I ask why? Close Merchant—You are bald as a billiard-ball, sir. A man with'no hair to wipe his pen on will rust out a whole box every week.— New York Weekly. “How is Skimmins getting along in his profession?” said one Chicago man to another. “He is quite successful, I understand.” “But he told me yesterday that he owed several thousands of dollars.” “Yes. That shows how well he must have established his credit” Detroit Free Press. Widow—“l want a stone for my husband’s grave exactlyjike the other one in the lot.” Agent—“ But isn’t it a trifle small for a man of your husband’s prominence?” Widow —“No, sir! If Thomas thought a stone like that was good enough for his first wife, I guess it’s plenty good enough for Thomas. ” —Life.

Mr. Farwest—“l met my old schoolmate, Lakeside, to-day, for the first time in an age, and I thought from the way he acted tvhen I mentioned you that you and he must have had some romance or other before we met.” Mrs. Farwest—“No romance about it. We were married for a few years, that’s all ”—sew York Weekly. Manager—“ The critics say that in the' play ‘A Wronged Wife,’ you do not exhibit enough emotion when your husband leaves you, never to return.” Popular Actress Oh, I don’t, don’t I? Well, I’ve had two or three husbands leave, never, to return, and I guess I know as-much about how to act under those circumstances as anybody. ” —Puck. • Jiudge Begad <4-? “Prisoner, at the bar, you are changed wish shooting the plaintiff through each ear, one foot, an elbow, arid along the top of his head. What have you to say for yourself?” Alkali Ike (the prisoner) —“Wai, I didn’t have no killin’ grudge ag’in’ him, an’ so I jest shot him in the thin places around the edges so’s not to hurt him too much.” —Life. “No,” said Farmer Corntassel’s wife; “fame ain’t fur- everybody. There’s Josiar, he done his best, but he never will get'’famous." “What waihis ambition?” “Ter git hlspicterjln the paper. He set up nights tryin’ ter think of some ailment ter take patent medicine fur, but he was so overpowerin’ healthy that they wasn't a single thing fur ’im ter gift cured of.’—Washington Star.