Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 9, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 March 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS ANO YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Under the Sp«ll th* Put--No Matter- - Physical Proof-- Between Girt Friends, Eta., Etc. UNDER THE SPELL OP THE PAST. “I’ll give you your breakfast if you’ll saw that wood,” she announced in an ultimatum tone of voice. “Madam,” aaid the tramp, “I’d admire to chop that wood for you immensely, on’y fur one thing.” “What is that?” “When I was a little boy my mother uster make me recite fur company, and I aaid ‘Woodman, Spare That Tree,’ over an’ over so many times that the idee of puttin’ a axe into anythin’ in the shape of wood totally wrecks my nerves.”—[Washington Star. NO MATTER. “They say that Lightleigh Goldwait is losing his mind.” “Well, he’s lucky if that’s all he’s losing.”—[Detroit Tribune. PHYSICAL PROOF. Paterfamilias—What on earth did that young man mean by paying you such an unconscionable long call last night? Mary—Oh, Papa, it was purely an accident, you know. The clock stopped at half-past twelve.—[Puck, BETWEEN GIRL FRIENDS. Miss Seare—Jack Marblehead gave me a great reception yesterday. He has a cannon on his yacht, and when I came on board he fired a salute of ever so many guns—forty-nine, I think it was, Miss Smarte—One for every year of your age, I suppose.—[Vogue. THE ONLY RESULT. “Why don’t you give your servant an alarm clock so that she will get up early in the morning?” “We’ve tried it,” was the sad reply. “What was the result?” “It simply disturbed her rest a little and made her snore worse than ever.”—Washington Star. A GREAT BORE. Chollie—What do you think of this pwoposed income tax? Chappie—l think it is going to be a doosid boah. Fancy a fellah actually having to go to the trouble of finding out how much a yeah his income is.—[lndianapolis Journal,

UNDERGRADUATE HONORS. “Studying for college, eh?” said the old gentleman approvingly, as the lad looked up from the diagram before him. “I’m onto it hard,” responded the boy. “And what particular branch of study are you ‘onto?’ ” “Taakle, centre and quarter-back,” answered the coming hero.—[Judge. THE ATHLETIC GIRL. “Miss Flippey is devoting her time to gymnastics almost altogether?” “Yes, I’ve noticed that she has been practicing during the musicale.” “What has she done?” “Been throwing herself at Mr. Coolmillion’s head.”—[lnter Ocean. THE CHARM OF RARITY. Mr. Matterfack and his wife and daughter were looking at an old painting, when the old gentleman took occasion to remark that he thought it “didn’t amount to no great shakes.” “ W’hy, popper,” exclaimed his daughter, “ this is one of the rarest paintings known. It is the only one by this. artist that has ever been brought to America.” “That’s jist like a woman,” said Mr. Matterfack. “Here you air goin’ into fits over a little 7x9 bit of paint ’cause there ain’t no other one like it, and yit when I wanted to take you and ma to see the seven legged calf you said I was a vulgar old thing.”— [lndianapolis Journal. A DELICATE MENTAL STATE. Tom—l notice that since Muggles said he would thrash you you don’t go near his place. Are you afraid? Dick —N-no. Only I’m afraid that maybe I might be afraid.—[Chicago Record. ADJUNCTS. Mrs. Nuwife—What would you suggest we have for dinner, lovey, besides that pie I’m going to make? Mr. Nuwife (saddened by experience) —A kit of miner’s tools.—[Chicago Record.

A FORLORN HOPE. “I wish,” said the young man who was calling, “that some time you would give me a little lecture on the different styles of bonnet trimming.” “Certainly,” she answered. “But I don’t see what you want that for.” “It’s the only way I can get any interest out of the occasion when I go with you to the matinee.”— [Washington Star. TOO MANY FOR HIM. “In the matter of family,” sighed the poor man who had married a widow with nine children, “I seem to have bitten off more than I can shoe.”—[Chicago Tribune. OVERWORKING THE PRINCIPLE. Wickwire—l have given up that homoeopathic doctor I had and have gone back to the old school. Yabsley—What was the matter? Wickwire—He’s a crank. My aunt has a cataract developing in her left eye, and he recommended her to go to a water-cure establishment.—[lndianapolis Journal. NOT SO FAR ADVANCED. Uncle George—l trust, Henry, that you are out of debt. Henry—No, I haven’t got so far as that; but I’m out of everything els*. —[Boston Transcript. FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD. Wandering Willie—-When de lady set sich a dandy meal afore me I wuz sorry I’d sneaked in de back way. Steel Rydes—Felt ruther ashamed o’ yerself, eh? Wandering Willie—Naw, et wuzn’t dat. Yer see de sight o’ de wood pile in de back yard spoilt me appetite.— (Judge.

THE BOY WAS POSTED. Mrs. Gabb (hostess)—Your little eon does not seem to hare much appetite. Mrs. Gadd—No; he’s quite delicate. Mrs. Gabb—Can’t you think of anything you’d like, my little man? Little Man—No’m. You see, mam made me eat a hull lot before we started so I wouldn’t make a pig of myself.—[London Tid-Bits. HE KNEW HOW TO ASK A FAVOR. “Where is the other handsome lady that used to be cashier here?” he asked.* “The other?” she echoed. “Oh, I beg your pardon.” he said. “You are the same lady. I wanted to get a twenty dollar bill changed.” “It’s going to leave me short, I'm afraid,” she smiles, “but I guess I will let you have it.” And she did.—[New York Press. mother’s darlings. Mrs. Naber—Johnny commenced to do sums in long division yesterday. Mrs. Nexdoor (proudly)j—Tommy ha# been swearing two weeks I—[Puck. no doubt of its sincerity. “Do you believe Ferrisy’s piety is sincere?” “I am positive it is.” “What makes you think so?” “Some one gave him a counterfeit quarter the other day, and he hasn’t attempted to pass it on any one but me, and that’s between friends, you know.—[New York Press. HAD SEEN BETTER DAYS. “This parrot, ma’am,” said the dealer, “is one that I can recommend. It was in the family of a clergyman for many years.” “Well, gents, what’ll ye have? Name your pi?en!” exclaimed the parrot, with startling emphasis. “He was obliged to part with it, however,” continued the dealer, with an apologetic cough, “and for the last year or two it has belonged to the Aiderman from our ward.”—[Chicago Tribune. WHERE HE CAME IN. “How do you manage to live in this dead town?” “Fine; I'm the undertaker.”—[Atlanta Constitution. COMPETITION. Mrs. Jackson Parke—What in the world is keeping you up so late? Mr. Jackson Parke—l am writing an article for the papers on “How I Killed My First Hog.” These literary chaps with their stories of how they wrote their first books are not going to have the field all to themselves, not by a jugful.—[lndianapolis Journal.

SURE ENOUGH. “He pretends to be an accomplished linguist, but you should hear him murder Latin.” “I shouldn’t think he would be able to murder Latin.” “Why not?” “It is a language that is already dead.” IT WAS ABOUT ALL HE LEFT. “Excuse me,” said the gourmand of the boarding house, addressing the landlady, “excuse me, madam, leaving the table.” “Pray, don’t mention it,” said the lady, politely, as she glanced at the few eatables that remained; ‘ ‘we know that you are obliged to leave it or you would not do so.” Then the other boarders looked at each other and smiled significantly. —[New York Press. ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE. Gus De Smith—l hear that your wife’s mother is very sick. Is she dangerous? Pete Amsterdam—She is a very sick woman, but she is not as dangerous as when she is well.—[Texas Siftings. A GREAT SUCCESS. Strawber—How did you like that barber I recommended you to? Singerly—First rate, old man. I never heard those old stories of yours told better in my life.—[Detroit Free Press. INTERIORS. She (looking around the room) — What lovely interior decorations! He (looking over the table) —Delightful, I am sure!—[Detroit Free Press. CLOSE FIGURING NECESSARY. Elderly Maiden—This is so unexpected, Mr. Wellalong, that—that you must give me time I Elderly Lover Time, Miss Rebecca? Do you think there is any to spare? EASY. “ And do you ever invite your poor relations to visit you?” “Oh, yes, indeed. You see they are all too poor to get here.—[Truth. SIMPLE. Claire—How extremely simple that gown was Miss de Vere wore at the ball. Marie —Yes; almost idiotic.