Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 March 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. No Meaningless Name—Reasonable— Plenty of Bills-Brazilian Shooting, Etc., Etc. KO MEANINGLESS NAME. Dealer—Here’s a cigar I’d like you to try. Customer—What’s the name of it? Dealer—The Genuine Success. Customer—l’ve tried it. It’s well named. It doesn’t end in smoke. — [Truth. SEASONABLE. Should you die, are you opposed to my remarrying? He—No. She—Why not? He—Why should I be solicitous about the welfare of a fellow I’ll never know?—[Life. PLENTY OF BILLS. Burglar (gruffly)—Your money or your life! Jones (sleepily)—You’ll find some bills in the drawer there. They are all in but the butcher’s. I might send you that. Good night.—[Cleveland Plain Dealer. BRAZILIAN SHOOTING. Brazil is death on maidens now, And it is shown by this, That every time they shoot down there They always shoot amiss. [ —Detroit Free Press. PROBABLY NOT. Practical Father—Has that young man who wants to marry you any money? Romantic Miss—Money! He gave me a cluster diamond ring studded with pearls. Practical Father—Yes, I know. Has he any money left?—[New York Weekly. TIRED OF RETAIL METHODS. First Train-wrecker—Great haul we made yesterday, wasn’t it? Second Train-wrecker—l should say so I With a little more luck like that we could buy a controlling Interest in the road, and wreck the whole blamed thing at once.—[Puck. HAD A PROPERTY VALUE. Mrs. Gadd—l’m glad to hear you say that Mr. Tillinghastdidn’tmarry Miss Landin for her money. She’s such a thoroughly nice girl that she deserves to be married for love, even if she is an heiress, Mr. Skidds—No, Tilllnghast didn’t marry her for her money, but for her real estate.—[Truth.

NOT ALL SOUL. “That girl’s all soul,” sol heard them say, When the beautiful maiden passed usby; But I took a different view next day When I saw her tackle a hot mince pie.—[New York Press. PORKOPOLIAN PERPLEXITY. “Who is that man over there? His face seems familiar.” “That’s the German Count you married—the one who—” “No; it isn’t.” “You’re right. It’s the French Baron you—” “Why, no! That’s that horrible American I married—plain John Smith. '»Umph!”—[Hello. NEEDED PUFFING. Prima Donna—Did you get the new waist with the puffed sleeves? Maid—No, ma’am. Prima Donna—Then I wont go on to-night. How do you expect a prima donna to get along without puffs?—[Hello. UNDERSTOOD. Cobbs—Does Funning’s humor amuse the public! Hobbs—Yes; his paragraphs are always regarded as jokes on him. AN EXPLANATION. Maude—Why does Chollle Softly always say “I don't think so,” for I think not?” Hester—Because, dear, Chollle never thinks.

THE EDITOR LOVED HIM. Mr. Winks—Mr. Editor, Mr. Blinks is dead, but as he and you were not on very good terms, I am afraid that you will not give the obituary notice that he deserves, and Editor (enthusiastically)—Oh, yes, I will; I’ll give him the very best send-off I can possibly write, for he was one of nature’s noblemen. Mr. Winks—Well, that’s good; but what makes you praise him up so when you knew him to be your enemy? Editor—Because out of two hundred callers at my office during the cold weather of last week he was the only one that closed the door. LIKE MOST OF US. Yellowly—You're looking well this morning, Rrownly. Brownly—l’m feeling well, too. I own a farm in Pennsylvania and coal has just been discovered on it. Y.—Lucky fellow! I wish some could be discovered in my coal cellar. —[New York Press. STYLE COSTS. Mrs. Squills—lsn’t S4O a pretty large bill for the two or three visits you made Mr. Bilby? Dr. Squills—No, it’s just right, for Bilby. I told him he had the grip—which he had. He insisted it was “la grippe.” This bill of S4O will cure him entirely of the “la grippe” habit.—{Chicago Tribune. UNJUSTLY ACCUSED. He—l assure you I would never dare to rob those sweet lips of a kiss. She—You hypocrite. Didn’t you attempt it last night? He—Never! Far from intending to rob you of a kiss, I was trying to give you one.—[Truth. ADMIRATION. Clara—What a beautiful complexion you have! Maude (much pleased)—Do you think so? Clara (enthusiastically)— Yes, in deed. It’s so natural.—[Truth.

A COMMON EFFECT. “Do you think,” said Willie Wlshington, “that it actually hurts a man to be hit with one of Cupid’s arrows?” “No,” replied Belle Pepperton, “as a rule he merely becomes senseless for a time.” IN THE SCHOOL-ROOM. “There is but one kind of rock that grows,” said the professor. “ Can any of you mention it?” “Yes, sir,” replied the student from Dublin; “the sham-rock.”— [Vogue. A VERY UNCOMMON CASE. The Daughter—l hear papa grumbling again this morning, mother. What is he grumbling about? The Mother—He is grumbling, my dear, because he cannot find anything to grumble about.—[New York Press. A FRUGAL MAN. Miss Muggles—l don’t like Dr. Pennysave a bit. Miss Mugges—Why not? Miss Muggles—You know he was called in when I was sick and then he began to call regularly. After I refused him he itemized each of those calls in his bill as professional visits. A SYMPTOM. Shalleigh—l hear Booby’s wife was once a servant. Shllleigh I shouldn’t wonder. She’s dreadfully haughty.—[Town Topics. A WILLING WORKER. Gent—What do you want? Tramp—Work. Gent—What kind of work? Tramp—Work for my jaws. I haven’t had a full meal for a week.— [Detroit Free Press. CORRECT. “Pa, what is meant by a contingency fee?” “It’s a case in which there isn’t the slightest contingency of anybody but the lawyers getting any money.” —[Hallo.

A SUGGESTION. “What will drive a man to drink quicker than a sharp tongued woman?” “Did you ever try a broiled salt mackerel?”—[New York Press. THE ONE WHO GOT LEFT. She—Miss Carrie told me the other day that she expected you to propose that night. Did you get left? He—No; she got left. I didn't propose.—[Truth. MONEY NEEDED ON BOTH SIDES. Old Lawyer—lt won’t pay you to try to collect that debt, Young Lawyer—But it is valid, and the debtor is wealthy. Old Lawyer—But the creditor has nothing.—[Town Topics. CURED. Frank—Did Maude finally break off her engagement with George because he went to the Keely cure? May—Oh, no; but after his return he broke it off.—[Town Topics. MAKING PROGRESS. “How are you getting along learning to operate your type-writer?” “First-rate. I can almost read some of the things I write.” HE WAS NOT FRANK. “Do you know,” said Cholly, “that I have verwy fwequently thought of lots of clevah things,” “Then,” she replied earnestly, “I should prefer that we become strangers.” “Why?” "Because I do not feel that it is wise for me to cultivate the society of one whose nature is so deceptive.” A TREASURE. “ Well, I haven’t changed cooks in the six years of my married life,” said Mrs. Gazzam, after the ladies had been discussing the flitsome hired girl. “What a treasure you must have!” they chorussed. “Yes,” assented Mrs. Gazzam; “ I do my cooking myself.”—[Harper’s Bazar.