Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 7, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 March 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. At ■the Menagerie--An Egotist--A Tender-Hearted Man--The Only Causes, Etc., Etc. AT THE MENAGERIE. “Step this way—we’re about to ■feed the animals. ’ ’ * ‘Ah! thawnks, awfully, don’t you know, don’t ye see, I’ve—ah—just hand me—ah—dinnah.” AN EGOTIST. Miss Gussie Riverside I don’t think I would ever marry a very handsome man. I’d be so jealous if my husband was an Apollo. Dudejy Canesucker Don’t say that, Miss Gussie. You wob me of my last hope.—[Texas Siftings. A TENDER HEARTED MAN. Customer—Why is it that you charge as much for a six pound pig as you do for a sixteen pound pig? Butcher—The smaller the pig, mum, the worse it hurts us to kill it. Got to charge somethin’ fur our feelin”s, mum.—[Chicago Tribune. ACCOUNTED FOR AT LAST. First Urchin—What d’ye reckon’s the reason Buff’lo Bill wears his hair so long? Second Urchin—He wants to let them Injuns of his know he ain’t afraid of ’em.—[Chicago Tribune. A PRECEDENT ESTABLISHED. “What makes you think she will marry you?” “She has married other men.”— [Truth. THE ONLY CAUSES. Mrs. Dobson—Bridget told me she saw Mr. and Mrs. Hobson going to church this morning. I wonder what’s the matter? Mr. Dobson—Why either Mr. Hobson has had another attack of his heart trouble, or Mrs. Hobson has a new hat.—[Puck. UNSELFISH LOVE. He—ls you loved me you would marry me while I am poor. She—You do me- an injustice. I love you too much to have your precious health risked by my cooking. Wait until you can afford to -keep servants.—[Life. A MAN TO BE AVOIDED. Higgins—There comes Baggs. I don’t care to meet that fellow. I asked him to lend me $lO one day last spring. Hoggons—He ought to have let you have it: he’s rich. Higgins—Well, you see, he did.— [Life. BAROMETRIC INDICATIONS. Senior Partner—One thing I like about our'new clerk is that he is reliable. You can always tell what he is going to do next. Junior Partner—And what is that? Senior Partner—Nothing.—[Truth. AN ABSORBING TALE. Office Boy to Butcher—Mr. Serial wants ten cents’ worth of sliced ham wrapped up in the continuation of the story you sent him yesterday with the sausages.—[Browning’s. RELENTLESS. Gotrox—You can’t work any dynamite fakes here. There isn’t any use for you to try it. Dismal Dawson—Dis ain’t no dynamite. Dis is a accordion ; an’ if you don’t give up two bones, I’ll play “Two Little Girls in Blue” right here. See ?—[Puck. FULLY OCCUPIED. Cora—How is it that when a man writes one famous story he seldom -writes another? Merritt—Because he devotes the. rest of his life to telling us how he came to write it.—[Puck. WANTED TO ASK SOMEBODY WHO KNEW. Under ordinary circumstances he was a man of prominence—but as he ascended the steps of his residence, very early in the morning, it was as evident that he desired to be as much otherwise as possible. The cabby was lingering near to see that his charge was safely disposed of for the night The door opened before the man on the steps could get his key to work, and he was met with the question: “John, where have you been?” (Silence.) “John, where have you been?” He turned to descend the steps. ‘ ‘Are you going to answer my question?” “Yes’h my dear, I am. From my personal knowledge, I can’t give the desired inf’mation, 'a I’m goin’ to ask the man that drives the hack.” —[Life.

DANGERS OF THE BOTTLE. Fogg—There’s an example- of the bottle working a man’s ruin. Fogg—Humph! Whiskey ? Fogg—Nop; ink. Jury awarded the girl $50,000 damages in a breach of promise suit on the strength of the letters he wrote, and it took every eent he had to pay it. —[Buffalo Courier. CURTAILING EXPENSES. “Never knew such hard times, old boy. We’re economizing at our house now just like other folks.” “You were always an excessive smoker. I suppose the first thing you did was to cut down the number of your cigars?” “Well, no; not exactly. You see, wifey does the household work instead of hiring a girl, and that’s where the economy comes in.”— [Judge. A WISE DOCTOR. “Doctor, I have a frightful cold in the head! What shall I take for it?” Doctor (after reflection) —AJiandkerchief.—[Texas Siftings. WHAT PAPA SAID. Mr. Bigwaist—-And so your father has been giving you some points in physiology and has told you that all persons’ bodies are composed mainly of water. Little Robbie—All except you. “Except me?” [‘Yes, he said you were made up mainly of be'w —[B .ston Courier.,

ULKA YING TO AND CLEAVING PROM. Miss Back bay—What a solemn thing it is for two people to wed; u cleave to one another till death them do part. Mrs. Jackson - Parke though? I’m mighty glad that folks don’t have to marry on any such cast iron conditions nowadays.—[lndianapolis Journal. NO ROOM TO EXPLAIN. The tramp with a new gag approached the man with money in his pocket. “Please, sir,” he said, “will you give Mahmemosic something today?” “Who’s Mahmemosic?” asked the gentleman, somewhat puzzled. “It’s Indian, sir, for Man-not-afraid-to-ask-for-a-dime.” “That’s all right, but I never heard of Mahmemosic before,” The tramp assumed a look of amazement. “What,” he exclaimed; “never heard of Mahmemosic?” “No; never did.” “Did you ever hear of Abraham Lincoln?” “Lincoln? Lincoln?” queried the gentleman, catching a cue. “Who’s he?” The tramp ignored the question. “Perhaps you’ve heard of General Grant?” “Can’t say I ever did.” You’ve certainly heard of Washington?” “Washington? Washington? and the gentleman rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Let me see; what was his first name. “George, sir George Washington.” 4 No; I never heard of him. Who was he?” The tramp took a long look at his proposed benefactor. “Well,” he said, “he was a man who never done what you are doing now in great shape,” and the tramp had the gentleman in a hole he couldn’t get out of without paying a dime and cutting short further explanation.—[Detroit Free Press. CLEARLY NOT TO THE DOGS. “I heard Rhyme say the other day that poetry was going to the dogs.” “I guess he’s about right.” .“It doesn’t seem so to me. Swinburne has just written a poem ‘To a Cat.’” —[New York Press. THEY GET THEM IN THE NECK. “The little mermaids and merboys never have any snow under the ocean, do they, mamma?” said Jacky. “No, dear.” “I suppose instead of snowball fights they have fishball fights, eh?” said Jacky.—[Harper’s Young People. STUFFING A VISITOR. “When that man came to Chicago, sir, he couldn’t write his name. And now he’s worth millions.” “I suppose he has learned to write by this time?” “Write? Write? That man, sir, wields the finest cattle pen in Chicago.”—[Chicago Tribune. A PREVALENT DISEASE. Jackson—What was the trouble between you and the landlady this morning? Mrs. Commick—Only a little liver ■complaint.—[Hallo. BY WEIGHT. Publisher—l tell you, we sold every copy of our mammoth edition last week. Cynic—How much a pound did you get?—[Hallo. PURELY BUSINESS. “That Lord Bronson who married Jenny Simpson was an awful boor. He was married actually in a business suit.” “Well, why not? The wedding was a pure matter of business so far as he was concerned.”—[Harper’s Bazar. CAUSE FOR INDIGNATION. “Sir, you have insulted both of us.” “How?” “You said wa resembled asfch other. ’ ’ —[Hallo. HIS GEOGRAPHY. Teacher—ln what State is Chicago? Pupil—New Jersey. “Wrong. Where is the Hudson River?” “Rises in the Rocky Mountains and flows to the Gulf of Mexico.” “My goodness, child, you must have been reading a London newspaper.”—[Good News. NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT IT. Ethel—He hardly knows me yet and he has proposed. Don’t you think it strange? Clarissa—No, I don’t see anything strange in his proposing if he hardly knows you. LIKE SAMPSON. She—You have such a curly head 1 He—Yes; that is my—er —weak point I