Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 5, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 February 1894 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Imitation th* Si nearest Flottory--He Hed Silenced H«r--Unparliament-ary- - He Hod Her, Etc., Etc. IMITATION THE SIXCEREST FLATTERY. Widow—l want a stone for my husband’s grave exactly like the other one in the lot. Agent—But isn’t it a trifle small for a man of your husband’s prominence? Widow—No, sir! If Thomas thought a stone like that was good enough for his first wife, I guess it’s plenty good enough for Thomas.— Life. HE HAD SILENCED HER. She—Oh, George,that horrid Brooks girl saw you kiss me last night. He—That’s all right.' She won’t say anything. I kissed her, too. — Detroit Free Press. _____ UNPARLIAMENTARY. Peripatetic Pete—Well, fellers, what shall it be? Are we to boycott old Podgers for pilin’ his wood in an obtrusive and insultin’ manner in the front yard? or shall we make him come down extra? Übiquitous Swell—l don’t care what the rest of you do, but I wash my hands of the whole business. Wanderiag Willie—l rise to a p’int of order. The chap as has jest set down spoke of washing his hands. I claim that his language is unparliamentary. It is a reflection on the profeah. Peripatetic Pete—The p’int is well taken. The question is what are we goin’ to do about old Podgers?— [Boston Transcript.

HE HAD HER. The Anti-Woman’s Rights Man — No, women can’t push their way through the world like men. The Woman’s Rights Woman— They can, sir. The A. W. R. M.—Not so rapidly. The W. R. W.—Yes, sir. The A. W. R. M.—You are mistaken, madame. You start a man and woman out in the world at 20 years of age each, and he’ll be 80 before she’s 24.—[New York Press. A FRANK EXPLANATION. “Johnny,” said the youngster’s uncle, “your teacher tells me that your class is the most orderly in the whole school.” f \ ■ “Yes, sir. I know she says that. You see, sir—” “Well, what’s the matter?” “Why, our teacher is near-sighted.” just so. “Jack said he was going to propose to Miss Snow last night and wouldn’t take ‘No’ for an answer. How did he come out?” “He won her.” “He did? Well, it seems he gets Snow for an answer, after all.” SOMEWHAT SIMILAR. Mr. Sinnickle had just been reading of the marriage of a young woman with money to a man with a foreign ancestry. “Modem matrimony,” he remarked, “makes me think of the novel.” “In what respect?” “It’s a combination of striking title, gilt-edged binding and mighty poor piece of work, after all.”— [Globe Democrat. NOT DISPOSED TO BE OBSTINATE. Employer—There is a difference, sir, of $250 between the amount of money your books show to be on hand and the amount actually on hand. What have you to say, sir? Employe—l—l’m willing to submit the difference to arbitration. — Chicago Tribune. FATE. Rollie—l wish I didn’t like candy, mamma. Mamma—Why, Rollie? Rollie—Why, because then I suppose people would give me lots of it.— Harper’s Y oung People. TOMMY’S AMIABLE RECREATIONS. His Mother—What are you moping around the house for, Tommy? Why don’t you go over and play with Charlie Pinafore? Tommy—’Cause I played with Charlie yesterday and I don’t s’pose he’s well enough, yet.—Chicago Record. CHANGED HIS NAME WITH HIS OFFENSE. I One of the local Justices of the Peace identified the prisoner at the bar as an old offender. Justice—What is your name? Prisoner—Sam Jackson. “Three years ago, when you were up before me you said your name was John Smith.” “Yes', but that was on a different charge.”—[Texas Siftings. A ROMANTIC MOMENT. The Marquis Van Dickens (at the swellest ball in London) —Surely I have seen your beautiful face before, Miss Saintlouis. - Miss Saintlouis—More’n likely. Pa used it on all his patent medicine ads as “after taking.” IT TALKB. Prof. V hite—When did money first come into uge? Brown— s The exact date isn’t known, sir; but it was subsequent to the failure of the Tower of Babel. Prof. White.—lndeed! How did you learn that? Brown—By inductive analysis, sir. Money talks, and everybody has always understood its language. [Kate Field’s Washington. ENOUGH. “I’ve half a mind to write a magazine poem.” “All right. Half a mind seems to be about enough for that sort of thing.” AN ADDITION TO THE LANGUAGE, “Would you call Dexter a poet?” “No, sir; he is a riminal.” “A what?” “Riminal, That’s a word of my own. If a man who commits crimes is a criminal, I don’t see why a man who commits rhymes shouldn’t be a riminal.”—[Life.

SOMETHING UNNECESSARY. Cholly—The doctaw has ordered a complete rest, has positively forbidden me even to think, dontcherknow. , Cynicus—Did he have the gall to charge you for that advice?—[Truth. WHY HE WAS LATE. Teacher—Why are you late to school? Boy—The streets are so slippery I couldn’t walk. Teacher—l didn’t find them so. Boy—N-o, may be not. You see, I greased my soles so I could slide.— [Good News. CALM. “Howare you getting along with your music lessons?” asked the caller. “Very peaceably, now,” replied the resolute girl. “ What do you mean?” “ The neighbors on both sides of us have moved.” DEPRESSING INFLUENCES. His Father—What are you crying about Tommy? Tommy (weeping bitterly)—l just read in an almanick (sob) where it says it’s goin’ to rain (sob) on the Fourth of July!” ANGLOMANIA. Chollie—Oh, she is perfectly lovely; she paid me such a compliment. Fweddie—What was it? Chollie—She said I was so unAmerican. Fweddie—How delightful. [Detroit Free Press. ON ONE ACCOUNT. “I’d like to marry Miss Bullion on one account.” “What’s that?” “Her bank account.”—[Philadelphia Record. EFFECTING A SAVING. Byers—What was your idea in getting vaccinated on your rheumatic arm? Sellers—Economy of pain. It couldn’t make the arm hurt worse than it did already.—[Chicago Tribune. THE LATEST. Wayside Bill—Did you know I’d got a job? Lingering Luke—Wotyerdoin’? Wayside Bill—Sweeping out aquariums.—[Ji^lge. THE PROPER THING. Hungry Higgins—Wot’s right, nowadays—t’ank you, or t’anks? Weary Watkins—l guess tanks would hit us about right.—[lndianapolis Journal. UNDOUBTEDLY EXAGGERATED. “Doctor told mamma the other evening that if I didn’t give up wearing fashionable bonnets I’d have neuralgia.” “And so you’re going back to the good old comfortable styles?” “Nonsense, Lena; if people only make up their minds to it neuralgia isn’t such an awful thing.”—Judge. NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. “Were you discharged from your last place?” “Yes, sir.” “What for?” “Good behavior.” “ How’s that!” “ Well, sir, it took two years and six months off my term.”—[Hallo.