Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 February 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phases of Unman Nature GraphicaUv Portrayed . by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day —A Budget of Pun. Sprinkles of Spice. A good hostler knows how to curry favor with a horse. —Florida TimesUnion. An honest man usually feels compelled to add 20 per cent for men who are not —Atchison Globe v An editor thinks that people of the right stamp are those who inclose return postage.—Texas Siftings. TTie dentist who devotes himself to pulling aching molars is necessarily a painstaking fellow.—Buffalo Courier. It Is a singular fact that the “blunt" man is apt to make the most cutting remarks.—Glens Falls Republican. _ There isn’t a hack or carriage in town that has the rich, heavy rumble that accompanies the beer wagons.— Atchison Globe.

There is no parity between the pose of the preacher and the repose of the bald-headed men in the corner seats.—Plain Dealer. He —“ Has the time seemed long since I left, dear?” She—“l know it must have, for 1 can’t recall when you went/”—lnter Ocean. When a washerwoman changes her place of residence one may ask. her “where she hangs out now” without using slang.—Boston Courier. “I notice that you’ve got a new man to take up the collections in your church.” “Yes; the timqi are ticklish now. He gives bonds in ss,ooo.”—Judge. Brown— “ That wife of yours just fills the bill.” Jones—“ She more than does it. The last one that came in ran clear over to the next page.”—Detroit Free Press. Captain of Police —How far shall I go in carrying out this order to break up the anarchist meeting? Su-perintendent-Even to detailing a man to steal their keg of beer.— Puck.

“Don’t you think Leila’s complexion is lovely?” said one dear girl to another. “Yes; that’s one thing that 1 admire about her. She always buys the best in the market-”—Washing-ton Star. “Oh, George,” she cried, “how I wish you were a knight in armor!” “Yes,” he responded, dubiously, “except that those fellows did so much talking through their hats.” —Washington News. Jinks —Waite is a prince of good fellows. Filkins —Most people don’t regard him as such. Jinks—That’s true; but princes seldom get there by popular suffrage, you know.—Kate Field’s Washington. “Oh, 1 say, Smithers, why are gas meters like the Arabs?” “Don’t know, Jonesy. Because every man’s hand is against them?” “No. Because they evidently silently steal away.”—New York Recorder. Teacher (reading)—“The actor received an ovation at the end of the first act. What does ovation mean?” Bright Boy—“ Ovation is derived from pvum —egg —oh! „I know—he was pelted with eggs. ” —Exchange. The Inventor —Ah! ha! My fortune is made! Hooray! His wife— How? The Inventor—l’ve just perfected a duplex reversible device for automatically indicating to a woman whether her hat is on straight— Chicago Record. “What is the reason you only give me one egg instead of three, as usual,” asked Mr. Tipton Snooks, one of the Widow Flapjack’s boarders. “It is a fresh egg. I can give you half a dozen of the other kiDd if you want to swap,’’replied the landlady.—Texas Siftings. “Dat’s de mos’ wun’fullest t’ing, dat is,” remarked Uncle Eben, as he gazed at the electric light. “Dey done put de match to de udder end ob de connection, an’ when you turns on de spigot de light jes’ flows out” —Washington Star. Mrs. Backbay —What a solemn thing it is for two people to wed; to cleave to one another till death does them part Mr. Jackson-Parke— Isn’t it, though? I’m mighty glad that folks don't have to marry op any such cast-iron conditions nowadays. —lndianapolis Journal. Anxious Mother —“l wish, Susan, that when you give baby a hath you would he careful to ascertain whether the water is at the proper temperature.” Susan—“Oh, don’t you worry about that, ma’am; I don’t need no ’mometers. If the little one turns red, the water is too hot; if it turns blue, it’s too cold.”—Tid-bits. “I’m afraid you’re not enjoying yourself,” said the Boston hostess to her guest, Mrs. Suddencasb, as the orchestra finished the second movement of the symphony they had gone to hear. “Oh, yes, ” said Mrs. Suddencash, amiably. “I shall enjoy it immensely as soon as they quit turnin’ up and begin playin’.”—Chicago Record.

Husband (triumphantly) done it. I have played two games of cinch blindfolded.” I’d like to run out for half an hour. Suppose you mi* the br«jd, mind the baby, stir ths pudding, baste the roast, watch the vegetables and answer the door-bell for awhile. You needn’t he blindfolded.”—New York Weekly.