Democratic Sentinel, Volume 18, Number 3, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 February 1894 — THE JOKER'S RUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S RUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Not Woll Equipped-- Fourteen Dollar* Difference- - Her Reply--A Dis- • sembler-r-Etc., Etc. NOT WEIL EQUIPPED. Griggs-—Don’t you 4hmk that Dr. Bolus is a pretty good physician? Briggs—Good physician ! Well, I should say not. Why, that man couldn’t cure a ham!—Somerville Journal. FOURTEEN DOLLARS DIFFEREXCE. “Paw, is there any difference between a cold and a influenzy?" “If the doctor calls it a cold, the bill is about $4. If he calls it influenza, it’s about f 18. The difference is sl4, my son.”—[Chicago Record. HER REPLY. “You look sweet enough to eat,*’ said Josh Sassafras to his best girl on Sunday afternoon. “You just wait till supper time and you 11 see me eat,” was her reply.— [Harlem Life. A DISSEMBLER. Bragg—l know a thing or two. Scapely—Y'ou sly dog!—[Life. AX' EXCEPTION. W atts—Large bodies move slowly. Potts—Did you ever see a fat man slip on a banana peel?—[lndianapolis Journal. A CURIO. Railroad Man (angrily)—l have just found out that that cow we had to pay for had not given any milk for five years. Farmer Smartt—Y'aas; that’s so. “It is, is it? Now, sir, what right had you to put such a high value on her? Tell me that.” “Wall, you see, I valued that cow as a curiosity.”—[Life.

MITIGATED CIRCUMSTANCES. Bob Keyworth was paying attention to a rich widow in Harlem. “Madam,” he said, as he offered her a bouquet, “you are getting more and more beautiful every day.” “You exaggearte, my dear sir,” exclaimed the lady, very much flattered. “Well, then, let us say every other day,” said Boh.— [Texas Siftings. TRYING TO THINK. Physically little ’Liz’beth was in the bath tub; but her mind was soaring into infinity, as it has a very uncomfortable habit of doing. “Why are you keeping your eyes shut?" asked her mother. “ 'Cause I’m trying to think of something.” “What are you trying to think of?" “Of how things looked before the world was made. ’ ’—[Washington Star. A DELICATE ATTENTION. Vivian (of certain years)—You treated me as if I were an old maid to-day when Mr. Spooner was calling. Guinevere—Nonsense, my dear. Why, he and I had been talking about old people and we changed the subject the minute you came in the room.—[Chicago Herald. FIRED. His heart was fired by love of her— The old man had retired, But soon he ambled in and then The rest of him was fired. —[Detroit Free Press. A QUESTION. “ Time and tide wait for no man,” I’ve a question apropos Of that: I would like to know—- , Don’t they have to wait for a woman?—[Puck. A LONG SIEGE. “I’m ready now," called Mrs. Swizzles, down the balustrade, to her husband, who had been waiting half an hour to start for the theatre. “I’m ready, all but my hat." “Well, tell Maria,” shouted back Mr. Swizzles, as he stretched himself out at full length on the sofa and composed himself for a nap, “tell Maria to wake me at 9 o’clock, anyway.”—[Chicago Record.

HOPE AT LAST. “I told the minister ybu were troubled with insomnia,” said Mrs. Manchester to her husband; “that you were nearly dead from loss of sleep, and he said he’d come and see you.” “Well,” replied Mr. Manchester, with a sigh of relief, “if lie only thinks to bring one of his sermons along, I will get some sleep at last.” —[Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. WHAT HE LEARNED. Mother—A\ ell, Georgie, have you learned anything new to-day at ’ school? Georgie—Yep. Mother—What was it, my son ? Georgie—Tom Harper has the measles an’ I’ve been playin’ with him all ttye afternoon.—[Chicago InterOcean. A REGULAR THING. The Hostess (apologetically at luncheon)—This being Friday, Mr. Castlefcon, we don’t have as much as on other days. Castleton—Neither do I, as a rule. The Hostess—Why, do you fast on Friday because you think it right to do so? Castleton (going)—Oh, no. Because I’m broke.—[New York Herald, A SAD TRUISM. Markby—This shall never happen again! Friiend—What? Markby—lt is my fiftieth birthday! ONE OF A LARGE CLASS. “No,” said the young man, in reply to his old tutor’s question, “I haven’t begun my life work yet, but in the future ” “I’m afraid, young man,” said his tutor, severely, ‘‘l’m afraid your excessive and arduous labors in the future will always keep you from doing anything in the present.”—[Chicago Kecord. He—l want to marry a woman who I know knows more than I do. She—Well, if she is wive she will never let you know it.

ACCEPTED. She—You want me to be yout wife? I thought you said you wouldn’t marry the best woman in the world. He—But I’ve changed my mind, and I will if you’ll have me.—[New York Press. HEROIC TREATMENT. Servant —Mrs. Youngwife wants you to send up five gallons of mustard right away. Storekeeper—What is she going to use so much mustard for? Servant—The baby is sick and the doctor ordered a mustard bath for it? —[Puck. CAPABLE. Gallup—Do you think I can safely trust a business secret to Banks? Higbee—l should say so. I lent him $5 nearly a year ago. and he has never breathed a word about it since. —[Tid-Bits. COMFORT FOR HER. Ethel—He kissed me and told me he loved me. Clarissa—Then he must love you, for it is not usual for him to kiss a girl when he tells her he loves her.— [New York Press. THE REASON. Maudie—This dress is made just like the one on the fashion plate, but I do not like it. Marie—The. one on the fashion plate was on a pretty woman, you know. WAITING. There’s a young lawyer in Detroit whose reputation for prompt pay is not the best. A friend called on him the other day to have him go out with him. “I can’t go right now,” he said, ‘‘but if you will wait until I come back, I’m yours.” ‘‘Where are you going?” ‘‘Around to my tailor’s to pay a bill.” The friend began to button up his overcoat. ‘‘Thanks,” he said, “I guess I’ll not wait. I’ve got to get to my place before next summer.”—[Detroit Free Press.

PEREXIALLY LARGE. They had been talking learnedly of the crops, and the varying yield from year to year. “ Well,” said one, “other crops may be poor, or even fail almost entirely, but there is always a good date crop, especially of the American variety.” “ What is the American variety of date, I’d like to know?” “The candidate.” [Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. WHAT HE COULD KEEP. “You can never keep anything,” exclaimed a testy wife to her rather overgenerous husband. “Yes, I can, my dear,” he replied softly r “ I can keep still. A YARD WIDE. “One thing about Rev. Hangon’s sermons, he uses the very best material.” “I don’t exactly understand.” “Jerusalem, can’t you notice they never shrink any.”—[Chicago InterOcean. A NEW APPLICATION. Maude —I take everything Charlie says with a grain of salt. Katie —Why, isn’t he truthful? Maude—Yes, but he’s so fresh.— [Detroit Free Press. MRS. YOUNGMA EXPLAINS. Young Son—What is bricks made of? Mrs. Youngma—Bricks are made of clay. “But clay is soft, ma.” ‘ ‘After the clay is shaped, the bricks are baked.” “Oh, yes; I know now. Like your biscuits.”—[.Good News. BAROMETRIC INDICATIONS. Senior Partner—One thing I like about our new clerk is that he is reliable. You can always tell what he is going to do next. Junior Partner—And what is that? Senior Partner—Nothing.—[Truth.