Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 51, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 January 1894 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Han; Odd, Curloo*. sad Laughable Phaaaa of Honan Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artlnf of Onr Own Day —A Budget of Fob. Sprinkles of Spice. Be content with your lot and quit trying to sell it.—Dallas News. The whisky drinker’s countenance is apt to be all awry.—Lowell Courier. It’s the corpulent person who has let life go to waist.—Lowell Courier. Belles, like other racers, sometimes win by a neck.—Galveston News. “I can only be asslster to you," as the typewriter said to her employer, —Plain Dealer. The storm scenter is usually located in the Weather Bureau.—Atlanta Constitution. “Money talks,” but the least little scare will shut It up tight—Binghamton Republican. When a man has no bills against him he must feel as If he belonged to the nobility.—Siftings. If you’ll notice, it Is generally the breezy sort of fellow who puts on the fewest airs.—Buffalo Courier. Do men ever remember the promises they make to traveling salesmen and women?—Atchison Globe. It is probably when he “blows it in” that a man flings his money to the winds.—Boston Transcript. Every man is supposed to know his own business, but it is hard for his friends to believe it.—Puck. The politician isn’t narrow-minded —he is willing to put himself Into anybody’s place.—Elmira Gazette. You can’t tell the size of a man’s bank account by the magnitude of his chrysanthemum.—Philadelphia Record. “Willie,” said the history teacher, “how did Cleopatra die?” “She bit herself with a snake,” said Willia— Puck. Every husband hears a great deal about some other husband who let’js his wife manage the money.—Atchison Globe. “This is a strange proceeding,” said the absconding (fishier as he grabbed the money,“and Ican’taccount for it.” —Plain Dealer. Despite the apparent humbleness of his calling the tailor is sure to bo a man of wait in any community.— Detroit Tribune. Don’t imagine that putting “raw on the free list is going to abolish butchers’ bills.—Martha’s Vineyard Herald. “I’ve come down to turn out tho gas,” remarked Miss Sweet’s father as he collared Mr. Staylate.—Binghamton Republican. An Irish chiropodist announces that he has “removed corns from all the crowned heads of Europe.”— Philadelphia Record. “You may twim my mustache, aw,* said Gilly to the barber. “Yes, sir,” replied the latter; “did you bring it with yon?”—Brooklyn Life. Notwithstanding the provisions of the tariff bill the sugar men will get along somehow if they only have enough sand.—Rochester Post No woman Is going to saw wood 1 and say nothing. If she has to saw the wood the world will certainly hear from her. —Galveston News. The practice of speaking of a railroad train as feminine gender is wrong, especially if they, are mail trains.—Binghamion Republican. Guest (angrily)— I “Say, boy, I’ve been waiting here an hour.” Waiter —“That’s all right, boss. I’ve been waiting here five years.”—Detroit Free Press. “Do you think that gratuitous advice ever results in good?” “I know it does —that is, to the one who gives it. It makes him feel good.”—Boston Transcript. Young Callow® —“l expect to start for London and Paris to-mor-row. Can I do anything for you?” Prunella—“Yes; be sure not to miss your steamer.”—Life’s Calendar. Mrs. Chatter —“Do you believe that cures can be effected by the laying on of hands?” Mrs. Clatter—- “ Most certainly. I cured my boy of smoking in that way.”—Brooklyn Life.

Kranich —l vas be sufferin’ mit insomnia, dogtor. Doctor —Indeed! Kranich—Yah. Vhen I vas be asleep, I vas snore so loud dot I vas geeb mineself avake der whole nighd. —Life. a Friend —l don’t see how, on your income, you manage to winter in Florida and summer in Maine. Sharpp—You forget by that plan I dodge both coal and ice bills.—New York Weekly. “This life,” said the man who stood on the cellar stair with a coal bucket in his hand, “would be one succession of sweet surprises if coal only came up as easily as the price does.”— Washington Star. “Doan put yer min’ too much on outward decorations,” said Uncle, Eben. “Hit am bettah ter hab a cabbage undah yoh waistcoat dan er chrysanthemum in yer button-hole.” Washington Star. Mrs. Elderletoh —“Do you love your teacher, Johnny?” Johnny—- “ Yes, ma’am.” , (Mrs. Elderleigh—“Why do you love her?” Johnny—- “ ’Cause the Bible says we’re to love our enemies. ’’—Puck. Gallup— “Do you think I can safely trust a business secret to Banks?” Higbee—“l should say so. I lent him a sovereign nearly a year ago and he has never breathed a word about it since. Bits. “What are your hopes for the future?” asked the solemn man. “I have none just now,” replied the youth. “To-morrow is ray best girl’s birthday, and I’m worrying about the present.”—Life’s Calendar. “The wall flower,” remarked the philosopher,” “is often the only girl in the ball-room who can cook a dinner.” “Yes,” responded Miss World-' ling, “and the girl who dances is the! only one. who can digest it.”—De-i troit Free Press. 1