Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 51, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 January 1894 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND TARNS BT TUNNY URN OF THE PRESS. Deceptive A Steading Literature— Aa Eye for Bar galas—A Stomach Aeb* la Sight, Etc , Etc. DECEPTIVE. Visitor—Hark 1 That must be another railroad collision I Host—Oh, no. That’s Charlie’s college club in the barn practicing a new A STANDING IE LITERATURE. “What can you show byway of evidence that you are an author?” “I’ve got the writer’s cramp, and the doctors all say so. AH EVE FOE BABOAISS. Father—ls that young girl you are going to marry economical? Bon (enthusiastically)—l should say sol Why last year she spent $2,500 in bargains.—[Chicago Record. A STOMACH ACHE IN BIOHT. “Tommy," aaid the teacher, “do you know what the word ‘foresight’ means?” “Yee'm.” “Can you give me an illustration!” “Yea’m.” “You may do so.” “Last night my mamma told the doctor he might as well call around and see me Thanksgiving night.”—[Washington Star. OKI REPLACES THE OTHER. Mias Manhattan (maliciously)—You must miss the dear old London fogs very much.” Lord Tuffnot (loftily)— I do. But I am partially compensated by your charming New York mnd.—Vogue. PROOP OP IT. He (fervently)—Dearest, do you love me to much that you would rather ke miserable with me, if you had to choose, than happy with any other man? She—Why, darling, haven’t I said that I would marry you?—[Vogue. AND HOW THET DO SFEAx! The schools of oratory don’t teach any eloquenoe that surpasses that of a couple of dumb and silent chairs sometimes, when pa goes into the parlor the morning after John has made an evening call.— [Somerville Journal. CAPABLE SUBSTITUTES. “You don’t have monarchs in this country,” said the foreigner, musingly. “Not by that name,” replied the native. “We have servant girls, however.”—[Judge. NOT AN ADMIRES OP IT. Park Rowe—What d’ye think of the suit? Election bet, you know! Hoffman Howes—That’s too bad! How long do you have to wear it? PRUOAL.

“I am sorry to tell you,” said the editor* “that we cannot use your poem.” “Indeed?” “To be candid with you, it is clumsy in sentiment and faulty in construction. The rhymes are all wrong, and altogether it is not even decent doggerel.” Here the editor paused for breath and the poet said meekly: ‘*Give it baek to me, please.” “I don’t think you can do anything with it” “Oh, yes, I can. “I’ll have it set to musio and makes popular song of it.”—[Washington Star. WASTED SOLICITUDE. “Now, dear,” said the thoughtful wife, “you will be oareful not to get your feet wet, won’t you?” “Humph 1” replid the dyspeptic husband, “that’s the way with you women. That shows just about bow much consideration you have for a man. I suppose you’d be satisfied to see me break my neck trying to walk down to my office on my hands, wouldn’t you?’”—Washington Star. A COMPARATIVE ESTIMATE OP HIMSELF. “Reginald,” said the youfig man’s father, “you couldn’t earn your salt.” “Oh, yes, I oould, fathah,” he replied, complacently, and, after some thought, he added, “but I might have to fallback on you foh the peppah.”—[Washington Star. MARRIAGE WITHOUT MOTIVE. Mistress—So you are going to leave my service? Now, what motive impels you to go away? Servant—lt’s no motive, madame; it’s a soldier I—[Paris Gauloia. HAD ENOUGH. Judge—Why didn’t you call a policeman when the man assaulted you with a club? Citizen Call a policeman 1 Good heavens 1 Your Honor, wasn’t I thumped enough as it was?—[New York Herald. AN EXCEPTION. “Are you going to —to wear that big hat to the theatre?” the young man asked. “Yes, George.” And after a silence, she added, “But I am going to take it off when we get inside.” And that is what confirmed George’s suspicions that she is an angel.—Washington Star. WHAT HE RETAINED. “I was in a railroad accident once,’’ said the man in the s moker to a group of listeners, “and had both legs and both arms broken.” “Did you retain your presence of mind?” inquired one of the listener*. “No.” “No! What did you do?” “I retained a lawyer and got SIO,OOO damage.”—[Detroit Free Press. LIMITATIONS OP MATRIMONY. Little Boy—What is your papa? Little Girl—He’s a literary man. “What’s that?” (ifTfa writfiß “What does he-write?” “Oh, he writes most everything ’cept checks.” —[Good Nows. A LITERAL TROTH. “I think your figures are pretty high,’’ said the lady who waa pricing feather beds and pillows. “Madam,” said the clerk, with a scracely percepitible twinkle in his eye. “all our best goods are marked down.”— New York Press. GENIUS APPRECIATED. “Bay,” said the business man to the detective, “some fellow has been running around through the country representing himself as a collector of ours. He has been taking in more money than any two of the men we have, and I want him collared aa quick a* you can.” “All right. I’ll have him in jail in less than a week.” “Great Scott, man II don’t want to put him in jail. I want to hire him.'*— [lndianapolis Journal. WON BT A PLANK MOTMMBXT. “I’m not going to ask far money, mam,” said Bhedealdn, “aer far foed,

though rm feint with hunger and I ain’t M t anything for two days, but for tha of • poor man who'* in hard inch, won't too, please, mom, allow me the loan of a piece of eoap and a towel for a few minotM?” It wm about one hoar later that Rhodeside finished a sumptuous meal and set forth with a fifty-cent .piece in his hand. —{Chicago Record. "**• « SOU THAN HALF BACK. Friend—Your son played football at college, I am told. Fond Mamma—Yes. Friend—Quarterback? Fond Mamme-Oh,he’s nearly all back. He lost only an ear and a hand. —Puck. THIS WALL ITOULDH’T TELL “Sh-h-h I” said the tragedian, “the rery walls hare ears!” “Sore, ’’answered the low oomedian, glancing np hastily, “ but this is a dead wall.” And the orchestra burst forth with a chord in Q.—lndianapolis Journal. IN THE CONSDLTIHa-aOOM. ijfiJ . Doctor—“ You look rather excited. For some time to eome you had better not exert yourself too much. For instance, you must not—what is your profession!” Patient— * ‘Anarchist. ” Doctor—“He must not throw bombs, do you hear ?”—[II Caffaro, THE TEST OF IFFICACT. “I don’t see how your medicines can be mnoh good, doctor.” “Why not, Freddy!” “They don’t taste nearly so bad as Dr. Brown’s used to.”—[Judge. AN IMPORTANT ONE. Professor in history fin the young ladies seminary)—“Haring finished the sad story of this episode in the life of Marie Antoinette, I should be glad to answer any questions you may feel inclined to ask.” The class (in unison) —“What did she have on ?’’—[Chioago Record. ONE CERTAINTY. Tom—“ Have you read‘Two Men and a Girl’! What do you think of it!” Kitty—‘‘No; but I think the girl must have had a good time”—[Puck.