Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 50, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 December 1893 — THE JOKERS' BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS' BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. To a Song Bird—The Age of the Precocious—An Important Drawback, etc., etc. TO A SONG BIRD. Oh, song bird, madly caroling Your careless life away. Hqw good it is to hear you sing Your song from day to day. Yet, though they bring us happiness, Those melodies so sweet, We’d like you better, we confess, If you were good to eat. —[Detroit Free Press. the age of the precocious. Mrs. Jhones—Ethel, you might tell me who the young man is that called last evening. Ethel (just 17)— Certainly, mamma, if you’re curious about it; that’s the young man I’m engaged to. AN IMPORTANT DRAWBACK. Mrs. Parvenu.— Do you enjoy opera? Mrs. Nurlch (who has a box by the season) —Very much; if it weren’t for the horrid playing aud singing they keep up on the stage. —[Chicago Record. PRACTICAL LESSON IN POLITENESS. Little Ethel—lt’s awful impolite to ask for things. Little Johnny—Course it is. What of it? Little Ethel—Nothing, only I’m gettin’ hungry for some candy I’ve got in my pocket, and there isn’t enough for two. —[Good News. A FATAL OBJECTION. Aunt—My child, you can never marry Charlie Hunker. Niece—Oh. aunt! surely you do not mean that he is dissipated? Aunt—No; but his fortune is.—[Judge. A DILEMMA. Magistrate—You are accused of not supporting your wife. Prisoner—Bdt, your honor, you don’t know my wile. She is insupportable.— [Truth. A HUBBUB. “How noisy that child is!” “He can't help it. He’s from Boston.” “What has that to do with it?” “He’s a Hub-bub.’’—[Truth. A REBUKE. “I hope,” she said severely, “that you have not been drinkin’.” “Madam,” said Meandering Mike, “I leave yer door fur ever. However onfriendly an’ oncharitable yer feelin’ toward a feller bein’ may be, it’s ongenerous an’ cruel to remind him of his misfortunes!”—[Washington Star. THE ONLY TEST. Hardupp—l tried to sell those diamonds I bought of you, and was told they were not genuine. Jeweler —Did you sell them? Hardupp—Yes, for almost nothing. Jeweler—Well, you go back ana try to buy them, and you will find out that they are genuine.—[New York Weekly. SATISFACTORILY EXPLAINED. “See here,” said the man who had married a widow, “hasn’t your hair turned gray rather suddenly since we were wed?" “Oh," said she, “that’s from fright. I was so scared when you proposed to me, don’t you know?”—[lndianapolis Journal.

AN UNEXPECTED PLEASURE. Mis 4 Winslow—l’m very glad you called, Mr. Walker. Mr. Walker—Oh, thanks, awfully. Miss Winslow (more enthusiastically) —Yes, I am so delighted to have seen that beautiful dog of yours.—[Truth. AT THE FOOTBALL GAME. There were two colored wagons art the football game. One of them had a grocer’s sign plainly lettered on its side, Dut the nature of the other was not so easily determined. “ Get out o’ me way,” said the driver of the grocery wagon. “ You ought to be off to yer work, anyhow.” “Get ought yerself,” was the reply; “ I reckon I’ve got a heap more business here than you have.’’ “Well, I guess not. I’m a-drivin’ a grocery wagon, I am, and I'm a-waitin’ ter get one of the players’ order for dinner.” “Grocery wagon! Well, pardner, for a football game you ain’t in it. This wagon that I’m a-drivin' is a ambulance.” AN ADORNMENT. Hoppers (in the ball-room) —What in thunder is that paper Mrs. Richey’s got pinned on her dress? Mopps—Well, you see Mrs. Richey’s diamonds are so valuable thats he doesn’t dare wear them in society, and so she wears that paper. It’s an affidavit that she does have ’em.—[Chicago Record. PROSPECTIVE WEALTH. “ Say, Johnny," said an urchin, “I’ve got a scheme.” “ What is it?” said another. “ See dat feller puttin’ in coal over there?” “Yes.” “Go over an’ call him names. Maybe he’ll t’row a piece at yer.”—[Washington Star. TOO NICE TO LAST. Peddler—ls the lady of the house in? Mr. Newlywed—Yes; but there isn’t a thing in the wide world we want. Peddler—All right, sir, I’ll call again when the honeymoon is over.—[Truth. A NECESSARY TRAINING. “What is the matter with Dickie Yan Wibbles?" “Nothing that I know of.” “I saw him in the gymnasium just now going through the most horrible facial oontortions. But when I spoke to him he appeared to recover instantly.” “Oh, that’s all right. Dickie was taking his exercise.” “I don’t quite understand you.” LOGICAL INFERENCE. “I wonder how Europeans come to persist in that idea that bands of savages frequent New York,” asked the athletic young man. “Possibly,” replied his sister, “because some of the visitors to this country have heard a football team giving the college yell.”—[Washington Star. A BINECURE. First Female—What business are you engaged in? Second Female—l am a book agent. F. F.—What have you to do? S. F.—Nothing but talk. F. F.—How delightful! [Boston Courier.

“Ho is developing his facial muscles so as to get a good grip on his monocle ” —[Washington gtar. XENOPHON SIZED VP. Professor—To what did Xenophon owe his reputation? Student—Principally to the fact that his name commenced with an X and came in so handy for the headlines in alphabetical copybooks.—Puck. A FATAL EUROS. Borrowes—Nelly, hand m'e my umbiella, will you? It has commenced to rain. Mrs. B—l lent your umbrella to Mr. Sweetfern last night. Borrowes—What did you do that for? Didn’t you know it was his?— [Puck. IT BEMINDJED HER. The young man was prematurely gray, and was not a little proud of it. “Looks quite poetic, don’t you think ?” he could not forbear asking of the young woman he was calling on. “It does remind me of a certain poem, I must admit,” said she. “And what poem is that?” “ ‘When the frost is on the pumpkin.’ ” And his hair went on whitening at a more rapid rate than ever.—[lndianapolis Journal. CLEVER AT MATHEMATICS. Mamma—Robbie, how many time have I told you that you cannot have two pieoes of pie? Robbie—l don’t know, unless you can tell me how often we’ve had pie.—[Chicago Inter-Ocean. ONLY A WOMAN COULD SAY SO. Miss Muggy—l wonder if George knows I have money. Friend—Has he proposed? “He has.” “He knows.”—[New York Weekly. DAYS OF CHIVALnY GONE. Wife (drearily)—Ah, me! The days of chivalry are past. Husband—What’s the matter now? ‘‘Sir Walter Raleigh laid his cloak on the ground for Queen Elizabeth to walk over, but you get mad simply because poor dear mother sat down on your hat.’’—[New York Weekly. A PROVOKING GIRL. Jack—Honestly, now, what’s the reason you don’t like Miss Flyrte? Cholly—Well, dear boy, the real truth is I don’t like her beoause she keeps laughing at me all the time unless 1 try to make a joke, and when I do she nevei even smiles.—[Somerville Journal. OF THE CANALS. A tow path mule while practising His merry littte pranks, Exclaimed: "I’m getting ready for A run upon the banks.” —[Washington Star.