Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 December 1893 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day —A Budget of Eon.

A standing army is a running expense.—Glens Falls Republican. Many a girl who marries for leisure repents in haste.—Elmira Gazette. The late Gulf storm has . been a terrible blow to the South.—New Or-, leans Picayune. The doctor who will discover a remedy for fits and starts may treat the world.—Galveston News. Nearly every boy determines to whip a certain school-teacher when he grows up.—Atchison Globe. A vigorous gale gave the partisans of the Yankee boats something to blow about.—Lowell Courier. When a public man has lost his grip he will not do much hand-shak-ing with constituents.—Siftings. “That beats me,” the drum said confidentially, referring to the rosewood stick.—Somerville Journal. The long-term convict isn’t much of a believer in the theory that life is evolved from a cell.—Lowell Courier. If we all turned out as well as the professional bouncer there would be fewer failures to record.—Buffalo Courier.

“You think you are cutting a dash?” as the driver said when the horse kicked In the front of the buggy.— Siftings. While discussing a cheaper article it only adds insult to injury to call big gas bills a light aflliction.—Philadelphia Times. When the Congressional orator loses the thread of his discourse, he has no difficulty in spinning a new one.—Plain Dealer. “Do you pay for poetry?” asked the author. “We do," replied the editor. “Each poem costs us six subscribers." —Detroit Tribune.

Kind Party— “ Why are you crying like that, my little boy?” Little Boy— “’Cause it’s the only way I know how.”—Vogue. “Copper very quiet and sluggish" —Market report. He is merely settling down for his accustomed nap. Philadelphia Ledger. What a ’ot of labor would be saved if the sweeping glances we read about would only take the dirt from carpets.—Buffalo Courier. French judges were wont to make very cutting remarks to felons whom they condemned to death by the gulllotine.—Lowell Courier. Jack— l declare, if Miss Sears isn’t getting gray! Jess—No wonder, poor thing; she has had so much trouble to conceal her age. —Puck.

A Congressional row is always “permitted to blow over.” That seems to be about the only way it has of getting over.—Plain Dealer. Jagson says the man who declares that he will forgive but can never forget has never tried to mail his wife’s letters.—Elmira Gazette. Miss Singleton— “l never expect to marry.” Miss Sateful—“But you know it is the impossible that always happens. ” —Boston Transcript. A sailing yacht isathingof beauty when flying before a wind, but it becomes tame when crawling behind it and beating its way.—Picayune. “What lovely bachelor apartments Bowser has!—but they say he has strange doings there.” “Yes; I fancy his room is better than his company ” —Puck.

The unskilled printer finds little consolation in the fact that his efforts always receive marked attention at the hands of the proof-reader.—Buf-falo Courier. People who think it is wicked to play cards are apt to do one thing that is worse to entertain guests—they bring out the family album.— Atchison Globe. Doctor —“I would advise you to take a walk every morning before breakfast.” Sappy—“ But, Doctor, I —ah, never get up until after bweakfast, y’know.”—Tit Bits. Hygiene is making itself felt in the land. In his composition one boy writes: “Girls can’t run and holler like boys because their diagram is squeezed. ” —Boston Traveller. He —“l like the room, and perhaps I’ll hire it, but I hope no one in the house plays the piano?” Landlady —“Only my youngest daughter, and she s only just beginning.”—Fllegend Blaetter, Prison Missionary What are you in here for, friend? Convict (bitterly)—Just for missing a train. “Nonsense.” “No nonsense, sir. I missed a train for Montreal.”— Brooklyn Life. “Well,” said a facetious stranger to a member of the brass band, “there is one thing for you to be thankful for.” “Vat is dose?” inquired the musician. “You can always blow your own horn.” “Nein, my friendt. Dis cornet is borrowed.”—Washington Star.