Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 47, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 December 1893 — THE JOKERS' BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS' BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. He Had Noticed It-Cause for Resentment —Worse—A Singular Request, Etc., Etc. HI HAD NOTICED IT. Barber (giving him a swipe down the other cheek) —Yes, sir; I’ve got some influence in this ward, if I do say it myself. Man in Chair—You do seem to have something of a pull.—[Chicago Tribune. CAUSE FOK RESENTMENT. “There’s an awful quarrel on between Harry de Ruyter and Miriam. Have you heard about it?” “No; what’s it all about?” “Why, Harry told her she was his study for the heroine of his last story, and she read it and found that he described her as ‘not strictly beautiful.’ ” WORSE. Barrie—Famblyman is a terrible bore. Strang—Does he persist in telling the clever things his children have saidl Barrie—Worse. He tells of the clever things he has said himself.

A SINGULAB REQUEST. Family Physician—l can assure you, my dear lady, that you have not the least trace of a liver complaint. Patient, who longs to go to Carlsbad —But, my dear doctor, can’t you provide me with it if I want it very badly?— [Fliegende Blaetter. MIGHT CALL HIM ONE BY TELEPHONE. Haverly—Would you call a man a liar who was in the habit of telling littlo harmless fibs? Austin—lt would depend upon how much he weighed.—[Vogue. JUST LONG ENOUGH TO THINK IT OVER. Patient Old Lady (to elevator boy reading novel) —How often does the elevator go up, boy? Elevator Boy—lt goes up at the end of every chapter.—[Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. THE FAULT ON THE OTHER SIDE. Isabella.l don’t see why you should have any difficulty in conversing with Mr. Francement. You said you spoke French? Elayne—l do. but no one can understand me.—[Chicago Record.

IF THIS WERE ONLY TRUE. So many girls will have to go without uew hats this winter on account of the World’s Fair that it will be quite the thing to go bareheaded to the theatre.— [Achtson Globe. WOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. He—What is the reason you won’t let me kiss you when I ask you? Is it because you think I have kissed so many other girls? She—No, I acquit you of that. He—lndeed! Why? Bhe—Because, if you had you wouldn’t haye asked.—[New York Herald. A ROMANTIC BUNDLE. “Do you love me?” said the paper bag to the sugar. “I’m just wrapped up in you,” replied* the sugar. “You sweet thing 1" murmured the paper bag.—[Truth. A PROTESTED TRANSGRESBION. Little Mary—O, you’ve got papa’s razor. He’ll just take your head off when he finds it out. Little Johnnie (looking at the blade with a satisfied air after drawing it through another pine stick) —Not with this.—[Detroit Tribune.

WANTED SOLICITUDE. “ Now, dear,” said the thoughtful wife, “you will be careful not to get your feet wet, won’t you?” “Humph!” replied the dyspeptic husband. “That’s the way with you women. That shows just about how much consideration you have for a man. I suppose you’d be satisfied to see me break my neck trying to walk down to my office on my hands, wouldn’t you?” —Washington Star. JOHN SETTLED AND DONE FOR. “So your son John is courting a woman at last? I’m afraid, however, that he’ll be too bashful to propose to her.” "He won’t need to propose; she’s a widow.”—[New York Press. A MEAN MAN. ‘‘My dear,” said Mr. Bloobumper to his wife, “I wish you would have some of these biscuits of yours when Mr. Briscoe is here for dinner.” ‘‘l thought you didn’t like Mr. Briscoe, love,’’ replied Mrs. Bloobumper, bw eetly. "I don’t.”—[Judge. a woman’s joke. "Yes, mutton’s dear to-day,” said he, "But here’s some venison that’s nice.” "Oh, no; no venison for me,” She said, “that’s dear at any price.” —[New York Press. LIKE A PAPER WRAPPER. The Young Housewife—Have you any canvas-baok duck? Butcher—Yes, ma’am. The Young Housewife—Well, I wish you’d send me one. And I wish you’d have it taken out of its oanvas, if you please!—[Chicago Record.

A WORTHY DOCTOR. "Dr. Jacques is certainly a first rate physician. All his operations succeed and he has never yet met with a failure." “Then his patients must indeed be lucky.” “Yes; for when he gets them their sufferings are sure to cease very soon.” [Journal Amusant. HE WAS NO TRANSIENT. He was introduced to her in the parlors of the hotel and kept her listening to his chatter for two mortal hours. "I am quite at home in this hotel,” he finally remarked. , "Oh, yes, ’’ she answered with a weary smile! “you seem to be a permanent boreder.”—[Detroit Free Press. HE HAD NOTICED IT. The hands of the clock were pointing o 12. t "Have you noticed the clock?” she asked, yawning. “Yes,” he said; “it’s the same one you’ve always bad, ain’t it?” “Yes.” "I noticed it the first night I came to call on you. It’s a very nice one.”— [New York Sun. history vs. common sense. Teacher—What kind of hair did the ancient Britons have? Tommy— Long blond hair. Tsacher—No; the ancient Britons »«*t have had gray hair.—[Texas Sifttags.

DIDN'T wart it. Warble —I kissed a girl last night ant I she treated it just like an editor treats my poems. Fiddlebaok—Declined it? Warble—No. Returned it with thanks. —New York Herald. CROP ITEMS. ‘ ‘Do you think the corn crop has been affected by the weather?” ‘'Guess not; my chiropodist tells me he was never so busy as now.”—[Truth. poor thing! Oh, think of the misery winter will bring, When of warmth there’s such terrible lack; Oh, pity the woman, sad, sorrowing thing, Who hasn’t a sealskin eacque. —[Washington Star, NEW TO HER. “Oh, mamma, look here," said a little visitor in the oountry who had got her eyes on a potato bug for the first time. ‘What is it, dear ?” “A funny kind of fly with a tennis blazer."—[V ogue. REAL INDEPENDENCE. One day last summer a gentleman at Plainfield, N. J., had notice served on him by his cook. “Why do you leave?" he asked. “It’s too hot here for a Christian in summer.” "It’s no hotter for you than it is for me," observed her employer. “Yet I have to stay.” “That’s the difference between you and me,” replied the cook. “I haven’t.”— [Brooklyn Life. THE THYMHLY RHYME. The turkey, bird of promise, Is now in clover living, ’Tis sage to say, he’ll have his weigh Until his neck’s Thanksgiving. —[Detroit Free Press. THE VERY TIME. When on the half-shell oysters come That is the time beyond a doubt, When he who treats a girl doth find It necessary to shell out. —[New York Herald. ' THEY don’t GO WELL TOGETHER. The weather grows colder now day after , day, And the heart of the maiden is down; She can’t wear a coat trimmed with fur and display 2JThe spinaker sleeves of her gown. —[New York Press. A FAMILIAR PECULIARITY. “Literature certainly runs in the Greemsmith family. The two daughters write poetry that nobody will print; the sons write plays that nobody will act, and the mother writes novels that nobody will read.” “And what does the father write?" “Oh, he writes ohecks that nobody will cash.—[Press and Printer. AND TROUBLE EVENTUALLY FOLLOWED. Neighbor’s Boy—Your mamma must be mighty strong. The Other Boy—How do you know whether she is or not? Neighbor’s Boy—l heard mv mamma say she b’lieved she was a shoplifter.— [Chicago Tribune. REALISM. “I want a realistic work,” she said, With such a tender look. The wealthy banker, with a bow, Gave her his pocketbook. —[Detroit Free Press.