Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 November 1893 — THE JOKERS' BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS' BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Ought to Suffer—No Change in the Name—Circumstances Alter Cases — Natural Sight, Etc., Etc. a OUGHT TO SUFFER. Barber—Does the razor feel sir? Patron (groaning)—Umph! I hope It does. It deserves to.—[Chicago Record. NO CHANGE IN THE NAME. Scene on the deck of a mail steamer at sea. ./Esthetic Passenger (to Old Salt) —Can you tell me, my good man, the name of that fine bird hovering about? Old Salt —That’s a halbatross, sir. /E. P.—Dear me! quite a rara avis, is t not? O. S.—Dunno, sir. I’ve always heerd it called a halbatross. JE. P.—Yes, yes, my good fellow, but [ call that a rara avis just as I call you a jenus homo. O. S. (indignantly)—Oh, do you? Then I calls that a halbatross, just the mine as I calls you a blooming humbug. -[Tit-Bits. CIRCUMBTANCEB ALTER CASES. At the Hospital.—The physician on luty approached abed and felt the pulse )f one of the patients. “Ah!”heexilaimed, “he is much better than he was festerday.” “That is true,” answered the nurse, ‘but it isn’t, the same patient; the other nan is dead and this one has taken his place.” “Ah! that alters the case. Well, never nind, go on with the same treatment.”— La Moda. NATURAL LIGHT.

Shingiss—How’s trade, Dinwiddie? Dinwiddie—Light; decidedly light. Shingiss (with malice aforethought)— But I thought you were in the heavy cast - ,ng business. Dinwiddie—No; quit that two months tgo- I’m in the feather trade now.— Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph. A TRICK OF THE TRADE. Newsboy (a novice) —Extry specl-alll Collision of two men-of-warl Four hunJred killed! Bigger Newsboy—What an ass you ire! If you go and tell folks all about it, nobody will want to buy the paper. Let ne show you what you’ve got to shout; his is it:—“Extra speci-all! Aw, aw!— )h, oh!—wah, wah!—wow!—ho!—wah, wah, wah!—hoy!’’—[Zur Erheiterung. SHE WAS BOUND TO SAVE IT. It was the highly cultivated girl’s first tffort at baking. “Dear me!” she said; “there must be lomethiog wrong with that loaf of Dread." “I think,” replied her mother, gently, “that you had better throw it away. ” “Throw away the first bread I ever naked?” "Yes; most of us have to, you know.” “Never! I know what I’ll do. I’ll put some cuneiform inscriptions on it ind send it to the seminary museum.” —[Washington Star. A HUNTING EPISODE. “Gee-Whittaker, Nimrod 1 You’ve (hot your dog.” “Thank goodness 1 I’ve succeeded in sitting something at last.” —[Truth.

DOUBLY DISTRESSFUL. His borrowing has caused a loss To him as well as me; For I have lost the money loaned, .And he his memory.—[Puck. PLACING A LIMIT. “Will you love me forever?” she queried, “Forever, dear, sir, and a day?” “Y’es, indeed,” he with fervor,responded, “At any rate—er—for a day.” —[Kansan City Journal. A MATTER OF DOUBT. Mr. F.—Your former servant girl srants me to hire her. Is she honest and reliable? Dressmaker—l oan’t say. I have sent her to you with your hill five or six times, but she has never brought me back my money.—[Texas Siftings. WHY NOT? Bobby—Pa, do they call a young eagle an eaglet? Pa—Yes, Bobby. Bobby—Then 1 suppose a little bull is a bullet.—[Judge. AN UNBLUSHING CONFESSION. I held her hand, her little hand, So soft, and small, and white, I pressed it often to my lips, And clasped its fingers tight, That loving clasp my love declared, And I was not ashamed To own I loved her, for who could For loving her be blamed?

She let her hand, her little hand, Rest lovingly in mine, My tender pressures she returned. Like tendrils of a vine, Her littlo fingers clasped mine close, And her affection told. And why not? She’s my daughter, and To-day she’s four years old. —[Somerville Journal. NO ESCAPE. I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls; I felt at ease, with life content, Till fancy brought the landlord’s call; He came, alas! to get the rent. —[Buffalo Courier. A NICE DISTINCTION. Tourist—l notice you charge different prices for seats in your omnibus. How is that? Omnibus Drive—lt’s this way. When we get to a hill the first-class passengers may keep their seats, the second-class passengers must get out and the thirdclass passengers must shove behind.— [Fliegende Blaetter. THE GIFT d* A SEASON. Sir Edgard Fitz Wales—Your Amewicans aw so chahmingly thoughtful, ye know.” Mr. Hobbles—ln what way? Sir Edgard Fitz Wales—Why—aw—after you’ve had your own summer, ye know, you have an Indian summer—foh the pooah natives, I suppose.—[Chicago Record. - A NUPTIAL DISCOVERY. “Why don’t you want me to call you ‘dear?’ ” “Because it makes me feel so cheap.” —[Puck.

CLASS IN GRAMMAR. Teacher—Parse the sentence, “Yucatan is a peninsula.”. Pupil (who never could understand grammar, anyhow)—Yucatan is a proper noun, nom’tive case, second person singular— “ How do you make that out?” “First person Icatan, second person Yucatan, third person Hecatan; plural, first person, Wecatan; second per ” "Go to your seat!”—[Chicago Tribune.

Lisa TWO PEAS. Hicks Speaking of the Foglesby twins, are they really so much alike! Wicks—Yes, indeed; when one of them lies, the other will swear to it.— [Boston Transcript. A CASE IN POINT. A late judge, whose persenal appearance was as unpreposessing as his legal knowledge was profound and his intellect keen, interrupted a female witness. “Humbugged you, my good woman? What do you mean by that?” said he. “Well, your honor,” replied the woman, “I don’t know how to explain it exactly; but if a girl called you a bandsome man, she would be humbugging you.” TODGH ALREADY.

“Well, Willie, how did you like it?” asked the fond mamma, when her angel child returned from his first day at the public school. “Bully!” ejaculated the cherub, with a new light in his eyes. “But, say, don’t call me ‘Willie,’ my name’s Bill.” —[Detroit Tribune. A SOFT TLACE. , Tramp—Say, boss, don’t yer want ter hire a man? Farmer—Wal I dunno; I s’pose, l might use you a i a scarecrow. Tramp—Thank yer, boss. That’s the first encouragin ' word I’ve hid since money went up er a premium in New York.—[Bojston Transcript. A LJ ROE FIGURE. “I understani Philpotts is a largo figure in locnl p litics?” “ You bet. Philpotts weighs 324 pounds.—[Chicago Record. LIE IN WEIGHT. Boxer—Who do you think are tbs champion light i eights of America? Sparrer—Coal dealers. —[Harlem Life. Al liIGUOUS. Screeder—Doi’t you think my literary distinctly origin; 1? Snarler—Certa uly; nobody ever wrote in that style bef< re.—[Judy. HI REASON. “Why do yoi cut up such antics when you feed j-our turkeys, Mr. Farmer?” “Ohl I’m trjing to make game of them.”—Washin jton Star. A HO IE REMEDY, “What ails yei, sir?” “My conscience is troubling me, Brid get.” “Why not put a linseed poultice on it, sir, that nivgr fails to cure.”—[.Harlem life. CRYlio FOR HELP. “What is the idea in calling a consultations of physicians?” “Oh, that’s when the doctor, who originally took the case, can't think of any more excuses to give to the family.” —[Detroit Tribune.

A PLACE TO SHUN. He—l like the room, and perhaps T’ll hire it, but I hope no one in tho house plays the piano. Landlady—Only my youngest daughter, ana she is only just beginning!— [Fliegende Blatter. MONEY GOING ABROAD. “My wife has an absolute genius for making money go a long way, especially in the matter of dress.” “Indeed! ” “ Yes; she buys all her gowns in Pari now.”—[Detroit Tribune. NOT ENCOURAGING. Nervous passenger—Why are you steaming along at such a fearful rate through this fog! Ocean Captain (reassuringly)—Fogs are very dangerous, madam; and I am always in a hurry to get out of them.— [Tit-Bits. SELF-SATISFIED. Figg—What! you don’t call Muliman an opinionated man? Fogg—l consider Muliman, as the world goes, a fair minded fellow. He is never biased in fayor of other people’s opinions, and he is entirely devoid of prejudice against his own convictions.— [Boston Transcript.