Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 37, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 September 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. The Reason—lts Distinction—A Good Foundation—Clreumscrlb ed—A Safer Way— A Surprise, Etc., Etc. A GOOD FOUNDATION. Foreign Waiter —Your American society has no old castles with haunted rooms. American Girl—N-o, we haven’t, I admit; but (brightening) we have plenty of scandals.—[New York Weekly. CIRCUMSC RIBBD. Bank Cashier—You can’t have a new dress until the times get better. His Wife—Are we so poor as that? Bank Cashier—Yes. Nobody has made a deposit for two weeks, and it took the last currency in the vault to pay for your hat.—[Detroit Tribune. ITS DISTINCTION. Fair Customer—Why do you ckarge so much more for this gown than for the other? Why, you see, this gown was smuggled, and we paid the ordinary duty on the other. Makes it much less common.— [Puck. THE REASON. Jess —What mikes that Sears girl act queerly? Bess—She was disappointed in love. Jess—Why, she has been married six months. Bess—That’s it. A SAFER WAY. “This World’s Fair carrier-pigeon contest has decided one thing.” “What is that?” “Why, that the birds ought not to be made to fly. Put ’em in a cage and ship ’em by express.”—[Chicago Record A SURPRISE. Strawber—Well, old man, I want to congratulate you. I understand that your engagement is announced. Singerly (modestly)—Yes, and I am the happiest man in the world. Strawber—Of course. And the girl; she is surpassingly beautiful, and has the loveliest disposition imaginable. She was just born for you, and is the sweetest, dearest thing in the world. Singerly—Why, great Scott, old fellow, I didn’t know that you had ever met her.—[Truth.

METROPOLITAN MANLINESS. She lived in the country, aud he from the town for the summer fell desperately in love with her. But her heart was in the keeping of a neighboring farmer’s son, and she could not return his metropolitan affeotion. She had told him so that night on her father’s porch, where the honeysuckles hung low in the moonlight and filled the air with their luxurious fragrance. “If you do not marry me,” he whispered hoarsely, “I will drown myself.” “Oh, don’t,” she pleaded, for her heart was tender, though another’s. “But I will, I tell you.; I will,” he almost shouted. “You mustn’t,” she begged, laying her soft, white hand on his arm, “there's no place wet enough except our well, and oh, Mr. Smith, what will we do for drinking water?” and there was that in her tone which convinced him that he was not amphibious.’’--[Detroit Free Press. UP TO DATE. “Yes, sir,” said the sailor, “I have seen a whale that oould swallow a boat. ” “Oh, that’s nothing,” said the dude, “I have seen a small man who could swallow a schooner.” —[Quips. • NOT A SMILE. “I saw a woman riding a bicycle today. She sat up straight as a string,” said Hawkins. “I never saw a string sit up,” said Mrs. Hawkins, “so I cunnot get any idea as to how that woman sat. ”—[Harper’s Bazar. so KIND op HIM. “Who is your physician, Mrs. Nervus?” “Dr. Killum.” “Do you like him?” “Oh, so much. He always lets me have the diseases that I prefer.”

NOT WILLING TO INTERFERE. Sightseer (to Columbian Guard) —Isn’t that a member of the Board of. Managers over there? The Guard—Can’t help it, sir. I haven’t seen her do anything, an’ she’s off my beat, anyway.—[Chicago Reooid. A WORD FOR HIMSELF. “The man I marry must be handsome, ” she said. “I’m afraid he will not be,” he answered. “Why not?” “Because very beautiful women usually marry plain men.”— [New York Press. PLENTY TO DO. He had just returned from a more or less fashionable resort., whefe he had left his wife and daughters. Meeting one of his friends on the street he exchanged greetings, and casually observed that he had that morning got back from S . “How is it up there?” asked the friend. “First rate,” was the reply. “Much to do there?” “Not for me; but my wife and daughters are kept pretty busy.” “What doing? Driving?” “Oh, no; dressing for meals.”—[Harper’s Magazine. ' JUST BROWN, THAT’S ALL. Lawyer (in cross examination)—So this woman was shot in her doorway? Smart witness—No, sir; she was shot in the arm. Lawyer (exoitedly)—You think you’re smart, don’t you? Witness (calmly)—No, sir; I’m Brown. —[Truth. ROUGHLY ESTIMATED. “Sawyer seems very proud of his violin,” said the man who likes to be disagreeable. “Yes, bow old is it?” “I don’t know. I should saya couple of thousand years at least judging by the tunes he plays on it.”—[Washington Star. A MATTER OF TASTE. “I say,”inquired the lady-bug; “why don’t you dress in the prevailing colors?” “Bab!” answered the potato-bug; lavender doesn’t go with my complexion, and these Paris greens simply make me sick.”—[Puck.

LIKED FILING SAWS. Billy Broadland—l wish pop wasn’t % farmer. I hate farm work. Willie Wayback—So do I—all except filing saws. “Why do you like that?” “ ’Cause it makes everybody else just as miserable as I am.”—[Good News. SUFFICIENT REASON. Mrs. Peterby (reading newspaper) — No wonder stocks are feverish. Mr. Peterby —How do you explain it ? Mrs. Peterby—They ought to be feverish when they absorb so much water. DISARMED. “Perry Graffer won’t be able to write any more jokes for a good while now.” “Why?” “He fell and broke his humerus.”— [lndianapolis News. a refutation. “Mr. Editor, I am told you called me a swindler in a recent issue of your paper!” “No, Bir..we only print the very latest news."—[Fliegende Blaetter. '» OBLIGING. “Help!help!” cried the bather. “Pm drowniug. Toss mo a line.” “I haven’t got a line,” shouted the man on shore, “but if you’ll keep up five minutes 111 run to the hotel anu get my swimmer's manual. It’ll tell you what to do in a case of this kind." But it was not necessary. A kindly wave came along and washed the bather ashore in safety.—[Harper’s Bazar. a thoughtful boy. Clumsy Horseman —Say, boy, what do you mean by running after me with that big pillow under your arm? Boy—Because, sir, this street has been paved duriug the past week. —[Fliegende Blaetter. ACCOUNTED FOR. “Is that the Dr. Breadpills who has never lost but two oases?” Gaffs—l guess it is; he’s been hunting for the last two years to find one, anyway.—[Chicago Inter-Ocean. TOO TRUTHFUL. “And this maid—is she truthful?’’ asked the lady of the reference. “Very. That is why I discharged her. She wouldn’t tell people I was out when I was in.” —[Harper’s Bazar. EVER PRESENT. “Simpson’s case of insomnia seems to be growing much worse.” ‘“Dear me, yes; he always dreams of it when he falls asleep.”—[Chicago InterOcean. CLEVER TOMMY. Geography Teacher —Tommy, how is the earth divided? Tommy—Er, not at all; ’cause everybody most wants it all.—[Chicago InterOcean.