Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 35, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 September 1893 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Manx Odd, Cartons, and Laughable Phases of Homan Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Oar Own Day —A Budget of Fun. Sprinkles oP Spice. “Down is up, ” said the feather merchant.—Union County Standard. When money gets tight it generally goes to the lock-up.—Galveston News. A Warm - weather Version.— “Drink to me with thine ice. "—Boston Transcript. A man who bears no one malice regards it as a sort of weakness.— Atchison Globe. Jaoson says the greatest scenterpiece for the table is a slice of limburger.—Elmira Gaztette. In all the reduction of pay now going on the wages of sin remain the same.—Pittsburg Chronicle. In the matter of hair-dressing why shouldn’t we take the queue from the Chinese?—Lowell Courier. It is certainly cruel for the lynching party to keep the victim in suspense.—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Walter Besant calls us a nation of slaramers. Oh, no! It’s the Turks who s’lam. —Boston Herald. The chef makes no pretensions as a sharp-shooter, but he can held his own at the range.—Elmira Gazette “The question which confronts ns,” howled the orator, “is how to confront the question. ” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. Mrs. Bridie —Did you taste any of that pudding I made for dinner? Mr. Bridie—Yes; I tasted it for six hours.—Puck.

Mother— Willie, here is a dose of oil. Come, take it like a mau. Willie All right. Where’s the whisky?—Puck. Debtor —Don’t get scared, the aocount will be paid in time Creditor —That’s what I’m afraid of.—Cleveland Plain Dealer. An auctioneer, even if he does not like his occupation himself, wants to have other people follow his calling. —Rochester Democrat. Some people haven’t any more sense with their schemes than the hen that takes a day off while setting.—Atchison Globe. “Soled out,” he murmured to himself, as the lather of his best girl gave him a lift at 2 o’clock s in the morning.—Burlington Press.: Hops in upper New York will average only half a crop. It’s been the same way all summer at the seashore hote’s, —Philadelphia Ledger. The laundry girls of to-day think their lot a hard one, but it was in the days of Queen Elizabeth that they really had a ruff time of it.— Troy Press. Whatever the state of the country since the coming of the new comet, the astronomers’ business at least has been looking up.—Philadelphia Times. That familiar advice, “Let dogs delight to bark and bite,” Is perhaps the only instance on record where a dog fight has been encouraged by the muse.—Washington Star. Mrs. Youngquack —You are so persevering and hopeful, dear! You remind me of Patience sitting on a monument. Dr. Youngquack—l feel blue enough to remind you of the monuments sitting on my patients.— Puck.

Mb. Spikek (in search of a boarding house) —There is no limit to the diet.'l presume, madam? Boardinghousekeeper (proudly)—Ho limit, sir. During last year five of my boarders died from over-eating.— Tit-Bits. St. Peter— What did you do on earth? Spirit—l wrote the poetry advertisements for the elevated roads. St. Peter—We don’t want f you here. You had better try the other place. Spirit—l did, but they wouldn’t let me in.—Judge. “Well, Mollie,” said her papa, who is a militia colonel, “did yon see me marching up Broadway to-day?” “Yeth,” said Mollie, “and I was real mad, papai They might have let you have a drum to play on like those others had..—Harper’s Bazar. ” Random Observer— Pardon me, but what are you putting down In your note-book? World’s Fair Visitor—Oh, I’m just putting down the things that have made an indelible impression upon my memory so that I won’t foyget them.—Chicago .Record. j. v - “Is that your daughter. makifig all that noise, Mrs. Clanty?’ f - “My daughter, Oi’d have yotf td 4now, Mrs. Halleran, is cultivatin’ her voice.” /‘Cultivatin’ her voice, is it, Mrs. Clanty? It’s meself that ’ud loike to compliment' her on the big crop she is getting”—Washington Star. “Hankinson," said" Jingleberry, “were you fever In love?” “Once,'? replied Bankinson, “and the object of my affection was the finest creature in the world.” “And was it reciprocated?’'. “Fully.” “And yet you never married?” “HO; I couldn’t?" “Why not?” “A man cannot marry himself.”—Harper’s Bazar. A* judge, in crossing the Irish Channel One stormy night, knocked against a witty lawyer who was suffering terribly from seasickness. “Can 1 do anything for you?” said,the Judge. “Yes,” gasped the seasick lawyer, “I wish your lordship would overrule this motion.”—White Mountaineer.