Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 34, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 8 September 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Why It Was Small—lt Stood the TestTfte Debtor’s Philosophy-Klin All Spoiled, Etc., Etc. WHY IT WAS SMALL. “That is a pretty big buckwheat cake fora boy of your si/.c!” said papa, at breakfast, to Jimmieboy. “It looks big,” said Jimmieboy, “but really it isn’t. It’s got lots of porouscs in it."—[Harper's Young PeopleFUH A 1.1. SPOU,ED. Little Diok—Did you have a good time in the country? Little Johnny—No; mos’ died. We boarded at a farm-house. “Wasn’t it nice?” “Yes, nice ’nough; but on the train a ole lady gave me a cent, an’ when wo got to the farm, 1 found out that there wasn’t a store within twenty miles.”— (Good News.

TRULY IIEATHBN. Mother—See here! You told me you belonged to a Boys’ Literary Society. Small Son—Yes’m. “And you said you spent the time reading about the heathen." “Yos’m." “Huh! I have bceu informed that it is simply a club, and the only books you have are dime novels." “Yes’m; but they is all about Indians wot has never been converted.’’--|Good News. THE DEBTOR'S PHILOSOPHY. “Why did you take that trip to the Bermudas if you knew it would cost you so many hundreds?” “Ah, but I escaped two creditors whom I owed f 18."—[Chicago Record. IT STOOD THE TEST. She hid her lovely auburn head Upon his manly breast. “I will be yours," she coyly said, “That ring has stood the test.” —[Detroit Free Press. A SEVERE TRIAL. lie—ls there anything I can do to Srovc my affection so that you will not oubt it? She—There is. Marry sister. Sho is older than I am and mamma is determined to not let me marry till sister is disposed of.—[lndianapolis Journal. FRIENDLY FRIENDS. Jiuks— See here, old bay! You ought to do something to reduce your flesh. You are becoming fearfully stout. Miuks —Say, Jinks, you aro about the fortieth friend who has made that, offensive remark to-day, and I’m getting tired of it. It worrios me. Jinks—That’s all right. Worry reduces flesh.—[New York Weekly. TOO FACETIOUS. “What’s tlie matter with Biggs? lie has discharged the new typewriter that he engaged only this morning." “B>gg ß Mked hor if she spelled correctly, and she said yes, whenever she had occasion to use the word.”—[Chicago Inter Ocean. A SEASONAIII.K CALL. “It is so beastly hot that 1 think I must call on Miss Millions.” “What bus Miss Millions to do with the weather?” “She always gives mo such a cold reception, don't you kuow." A PASSIONATE VEARNINO. Mrs. Wcarie—l just hate my husband’s relatives, every one of them. Mrs. Brightlie—Oh, I just love my husband’s relatives. I fairly dote on them, and am ’most, dying to tee them again. “Whore do they live?" “In Chicago.’’—[New York Weekly. EXPLAINING IT.

“Look here,” said the indignant man to the dealer, “I thought you said this dog was a rabbit dog.” “Did I? Oh, yes—of course. Maybe you didn't handle him right.” “What do you mean?" “You want to try him with Welsh rabbits. His appetite for them is simply abnormal."-—[Washington Star. IS THIS FAMILY HOMBBTEAI). Mr. Van Clive—Do you know, I’ve wanted that lovely old chair of yours ever since I first saw it. Mabel (demurely)—The furniture and I go together. Mr. Van Clive—Oh, in that case I’ll call to-morrow with a carriago and express wagon. Polly—Ah, but she didn’t say they went to the first bidder.—[Vogue. AS OUT OF-DATE I*IOTURB. Mr. Sweetly—This picture looks much older than your sister. Younger Sister—l guess it is, for she's several years younger than when that was taken.—[Chicago Inter-Ocean. BUSINESS ! First Passenger—You say you don’t believe in giving every man a show? Second Passenger—Not much, Mary Ann. I’m running a dime museum circuit, and I’ve got shows to sell, not ot give away.—[lndianapolis Jourhal. A NATURAL CONCLUSION. Minnie—l had such a shock last evening. Just as I started to go into the house a great horrid man jumped out from behind a tree and tried to kiss me. What do you think of that? Mamie—l think he must have been crazy.--[Texas Siftings. THERE IS A MORAL TO TUIS. Bluster —What a fool I was to let myself be taken in that way! Satellite (trying to humor him)—You were indeed. Bluster Who's a fool ? You con founded little monkey! I’ll break every bone in your body if you call me a fool. —[Judge. AN ACCEPTED REBUKE. He pressed his lips upon her hand, She said ’twas out of place; He rectified the error And kissed her ou the face. COULD HOT ACCOUNT FOR IT. She.—You seem rather “blue” this eveuing, Jack. He.—Yes. I have had a headache all day. and I don’t know how I came to have it. She —What were you doi ig last night, eh, sir? He.—l don’t know what I was doing after about ten o’clock. —[Judge. A KIND BORROWER. “Can you lend me a fiver, Peter?” “I have only four fifty about me.” “That’s too bad. But never mind; I’ll take the four fifty and trust you for the other fifty.”

THE BUTTER ON THE BREAD. Beggy. —What did that self-willed, handsome sister do? Paula.—Oh, she married one of the assistant bookkeepers in her father’* bank. He is still an assistant bookkeeper. Peggy.—And what did the homely, modest girl do? Paula.—She married a little dude to please her father. He is now a member of the firm.—[Truth. LIFE PERFECTLY SERENE. “Ever quarrel with your w!fo?” “Nope.” “Have any trouble with your servants?” “Nope.” “Great Cicsar, man! how’s that?” “Ain’t married, and liye by myself.” —[Harper’s Ba/.aar. AWKWARD. Bashful Little Man' (who has just come) —Er, good afternoon, Miss Hildegarde. I er— Debutante (sweetly, but mistaken) — Oh, must you go? Good-by.—[Kate Field’s Washington. A GOOD SION. “John, dear, don’t you think Harry keeps pretty late nowadays?” “Umph! Glad to hear of something the young rascal can keep.”

a strange expwukjsois. “Cyclones does some funny things,’ began the man with the ginger beaixi. The grocer almost showed signs of interest, while the man from Potato Creek stopped pounding his heels against the counter aud prepared to listen. “I was ketehed in a oyelone when I was farmin’ in Nebrnsky that carried me about u mile high,” continued the man with tho ginger beard; “but strange to snv, it didn’t damage my cto’es none. That is, with one exception. Atter they had picked me up an’ poured a little whiskey into me, au’ kinder got me ’round agin, they took me home an’ laid me on tho bed. My wife, she begun pullin’ off iny boots. She tuk one off, an’ then shu tuk the other off; an’ then she says: ‘W’y, paw; whatever has beeoino of your sooks? I know as well as I’m a-livin’ thet you put ’em on this mornin'.’ And so I did; but that there exhibition of the resistless forces of nature, as the paper called it, had pulled off both socks without disturbin’ of my boots at nil. And that ain’t no lie, neither." Tho man with the giuger beard then wandered out, and the grocer said to the mail from Potato Creek: “That there old cuss never comes in here hut what I always feel like the store was liable to bo struck with lightning, or something.” —[lndianapolis Journal. intuition. Mother --Mabel, stop pounding your little brother! What do von mean? Mabel—Well, 1 told him we’d belter play we was only engaged, but he wanted to play we was married.—[Judge. A WIHEIIKAD. Wisohead—There are two occasion ou which you should never seek to borrow from a man. Lunkhead—And wbnt are they ? Wiseliead—One is when he is just starting for Chicago to see the Fair. Lunkhead—Yes. Wisehoud—And tho other Is when he has jiutgot back.—[New York Press. GETTING to the point. Ho—Are we alone? She—Of course not. Only one person can bo alone, and there are two of us. He—Er—utn—but suppose we twowere made one .

Imperial Economy In China. In view of the preparations for tlie celebration of her sixtieth birthday next year, the Empress of China has issued au address directed against wastefuluess and extravagance. The ministers are enjoined to practice the strictest economy,, which, it is observed, will be in accordance both with Her Majesty’s tastes awh with the Interests of the people at large. Her Majesty also commands that there' shall be no offering of the customary presents of silks and other thiugs by the Ministers, Provincial Governors, com-inander-in-oliiof and generals. During the last year special sums wore given from the privy purse for the relief of the poor in the Metropolitan Prefecture of Shuntein Fu, and Her Majesty oomraands that an annual donation of 20,000 taels be made to them in future from the same source. For the year of the celebration sho bestows a similar sum upon the poor of each province throughout the Empire, and desires that the high authorities shall take charge of it* distribution.—[London News.

A Curious Growth*. Curious growths on trees are often found by explorers passing through the woods; but seldom has a greater lusus nature been seen than one which‘is now in possession of Andrew Irving, of Pembroke, near Ottawa. The growth bears an extraordinary resemblance to a squaw’s head, and is a portion of the limb of a birch tree which grew out of au Indian grave many years ago on Allumette Island. The features of Ibe squaw’s face are well defined, a growth around the forehead and chin being raised above the features as if by a covering of cloth used for winter protection. A portion of the original bark ia still ou the cranium. About three feet of the branch has been sawed off, making with the head a. ponderous staff. From the appearance of the grave and the growth of the tree, the portrait must be at least 100 years old, and it ia believed that no (tenon, either Indian or white, could have produced so remarkable a work.

The First Elevator. We are now informed that the “lift” or “elevator,'’ the apparatus which takes us from the ground floor to the top of the house in a few seconds, is not a modem invention. An ingenious contrivance of a similar nature was coustructcd in the middle of the seventeenth century, In Paris, by a' man named Velayer, who called his invention a flying chair. Velayer’s lift was not merely a toy; it became very fashionable among rich peopleon account of its utility. It was simply a chair attached to a rope, which was passed over a pulley—or something which did duty for one—and had a weight at its other end to counterbalance the ehair and the occupant It continued in fashion ustil a mishap occurred to the king’s daughter at Versailles. On one occasion the machinery failed to work when she was half way up, and there she stuck for three good hours before she could be rescued by her servants, who had to break away the wall to release her. “Flying chairs” were not mftch used at the court afterwards. AU traces of mud may be removed from black goods by rubbing the stains with a piece of raw potato.