Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 33, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 September 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF TIIE PRESS. Just What’s the Matter—The Tw Great Divisions—Undoubtedly—The Fall of Silver, etc., etc. . JUST what’s the matter. She—l only wish to break the engagement because I fear your inability to love one devotedly. He—Love one devotedly! Why, I could love a dozen devotedly.—[Life. THE TWO GREAT DIVISIONS. “Did you have a heavy rainfall yesterday?” “No; only wet the just.” “What about the unjust?" “Oh, they had borrowed all the umbrellas. "—[Judge. UNDOUBTEDLY. “I’m afraid you won’t be able to get your French ludia-rubber man into the country.” “Why not?” “Couldn't he be classed as a contractlaborer?"—[Truth. THE FALL OP SILVER. Teachei—lf potatoes were 50 cents a bushel how many bushels could I buy with this nice shiny dollar I have in my hand? Tommy (who has heard his father discuss finance) —One.—[Chicago Record. A NATURAL INFERENCE. “What city has the largest floating population,” inquired the teacher. “Cork,” answered the bright little boy at the foot of the class.—[Chicago Herald. BEGAN WRONG. “We had a terrible time with the Convention of Physicians in our city the other day.” “What about?” ‘They found a disease, and then couldn’t discover a microbe for it.”— [Vogue. A HASTY TOILET. Little Dick—What are you tryin’ to do, anyhow? Little Dot—Mamma has sent for the doctor to come and see me. and I is scrubbin’ my tongue so it’ll be fit to look at—[Good News.

PERFECTLY RIGHT. Miss Candour—l hear your engagement with Mr. Flightie is broken. Miss Mugg—Yes; I have cast himoff. Miss Candour—Perfectly right. A mau who spends all his time with other girls, and doesn’t call to see his affianced wife once in six months, ought to be cast off.—[New York Weekly. A PHILANTHROPIST. Whitegoods —Now, Mr. Redink/ they’re talking about this income tax; ar.d, as it may affect your income, I thought it best to reduce your salary from two thousand to fifteen hundred. I don’t think they’ll tax any income as low as fifteen hundred. Redink —But, Mr. Whitegoods—Now, not a word! You know I never can bear to hear myself thanked. —[Puck. A DANGEROUS SUMMER GIRL.

He—So* we are engaged. Isn’t it lovely? She—Perfectly. He —I wonder if anybody saw me when I kissed you last night? She—l hope so. He—What! She —I hope so. He—Why? She —I mean business, and want witnesses.—[Detroit Free Press. WHY HE didn’t REMIT. Tailor (meeting friend on the street) — I thought you said you’d mail the $5 bill you owe me? Creditor—l did mean to, but when I went to the post office to mail it I found that placard on the walls: “Post no bills.” AN IDEA. Little Beth tin the country)—Grandpa, you must have to keep an awful lot of policemen out here. Grandpa—Why, Beth? Beth—Oh, there’s such a lot of grass tokeep off of.—|Tid-Bits. WHAT WOULD PAPA SAY? Teacher —Now, Tommy, suppose you had 25 cents, and you wanted seven cents for candy, five for apples and five for lemonade, how many cents would you have left? Tommy—Twenty-five. “How could that be?” “I’d have them charged to papa.”— [Chicago Tribune. ANNOYING FASHION. Laura (at the seaside) -rll#w annoying. Flora—What, dear? Laura—l have been looking through this field-glass at Chollie Chapps and Maud Everfly down there on the beach and they are dressed so much alike that I can't tell whether he has his arm her or she has her arm around him —- [lndianapolis Journal.

NO MANNoUS. Mother—Why don’t you get acquainted with that nice little girl across the sweet? Little Dot—’Cause she isn’t used to s’ciety. “You are surely mistaken.” “No’m. She hasn’t any manners.” “Why, what has she done?" “W’en I grinned at her she didn't grin back.’’ —[Street & Smith’s. MIXED HIS DATES. Hungry Higgins —W’en did Columbus come to this country? Weary Watkins -’Bout 400 years ago. Hungry Higgins—Gee! No wonder a feller give me the horse laugh when I told him I was Chris’s second cousin.— [lndianapolis Journal. BOUND TO CCT niM OCT SOME WAY. “ Mamma, the little boy next door has got on a new suit. Can I have one, too?” “ Not now, Willie.” “Then I guess I’ll go out and pick a fight with him.”—[Life. NOT RESPONSIBLE. Summer Boarder—l saw a snake seven feet long as I came across the fields this afternoon. I thought you told me you never had any snakes? Uncle Ezra—Wal, I don’t. I been a member of the temp'rance lodge for nigh twenty years.—[lndianapolis Journal. HOW THEY GROW. First Year— The biggest trout I ever caught was a toot and a half long, and he had big a fish-hook to his stomach.

Tenth Year —Did I ever tell yau about the trout I once caught? It was over a yard long, and had an anchor in his stomach. —[New York Weekly. THE PERVERSITY OF HORUOWERS. Tom —You want to borrow money? Why, you refused the loan 1 offered you yesterday! Cholles—Well, yesterday I was merely hard up for a few necessaries. To-day I need it for some luxuries I’ve just learned of.—[Chicago Record. ODDS AND ENDS. The eloquent young orator at Bridgton Academy who choae “ Farming, the Best of Arts,” as his graduating theme, has genuine blisters on his hands. He got them playing tenni9 and boating.— [Lewiston Journal. If there is a man in the world brave enough to say, “I can’t atfoid it” when in the presence of a woman not his wife, trot him out.—[Atchison Globe. “It is a pity that you are not more sociable,” remarked the cyclone to the earthquake. “Instead of taking peoplo out and blowing them off, as I do, you give everyone the shake.”—[lndianapolis Journal. ’Tis now the learned doctor To well-earned rest inclines, And rakes up stacks of dollars While mild hav fever shines. [Chioago Inter-Ocean. “There is not much similarity between our ways of earning a livelihood,” said the dentist to the paint manufacturer. “No,” admitted the manufacturer, “there is not. I grind colora, while you cull grinders." —[Indianapolis Journal. The physicians of “twenty years’ standing” should have a chance to sit down and rest awhile. —[Texas Siftings. “Who says there is nothing new under the sun?” defiantly asked the small boy with the new shoes.—[Washington Star. The girl with a hammock understand* the meaning of net profits even if she never learned the multiplication table.— [Chicago Inter-Ocean.