Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 32, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 August 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. One Source of Happiness Proof Enough—ln It Deep—Painfully Incorrect, etc., etc. ONE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS. “And you are poor?” “Yes, but we are happy.” “Happy in your poverty?” “Yes, for everybody around us is poorer than ourselves.” PROOF ENOUGH. He—What proof have I that you really love me? She—Proof! Did I not dance with you at the Astorbilt ball? “Yes, but I don’t consider that any proof of affection.” “You would if you knew how badly you dance.”—[N. Y. Weekly. IN IT DEEP. Gregg (meeting old friend) What has become of your cousin Ned? Fred—Oh, Ned’s married and got a ’ife.—[Truth. PAINFULLY INCORRECT. “I see a mistake in your paper that I thought you might want to straighten up,” said the man in the linen duster, who had toiled up three (lights of stairs to see the editor. “Well?" said the editor. “W’y, it’s jist like this: You say that when the balloon went up a cheer arose from a thousand throats and that two thousand eyes were staring at the intrepid aeronaut. Now, that there ain’t right, ’cause I know they was three oneeyed men in the party, and that only leaves on’y 1,997 eyes to be gazin’ into space. 1 ’lowed you would like to know,” and the linen-du9tered man trotted downstairs.—[lndianapolis Journal.

THE ONE EXCEPTION. “I pay regular rates for most things," said Drycuss, “but there’s one thing I always get at a cut price.” “What’s that?” asked'bis partner. “That,” said Drycuss, “is a hair-cut.” —[Browning’s Monthly. HIS ONLY FEAR. First Boy—l’m savin’ up my money to buy a gun. I’m goiu’ West to fight IndlShs. Second Boy—l ain’t. “No, ’cause you’re ’fraid of the Indians, that’s what you are,” “Huh! Who’s ’fraid of Indians? I sin’t. I could vanquerish a dozen of them with one hand.” “Then what is you ’fraid of?” “I’m ’fraid mebby a big alligator’ll get after me and chase me up a tree, and then a big cyclone might come along an’ blow the tree here, an’ then pop ud catchme and lick me.”—[Street & Smith’s Good News. UNSURPASSED. Billings (who has been to the Fair, to Jenninga, who is going)—The biggest thing I ever saw; biggest buildings, biggest beauty, biggest assortment, and stopped at a hotel so big that I rang the bell on Friday night and it took until Tuesday morning for the boy to reach my room.—[Life. IT SHOCKED HER.

Young Golight—She said I was either fool or a knave. Miss Hubb—Shocking! Young Golight—l should say so. Miss Hubb—Yes, she should have said i-ther.—[Good News. WELL CALCULATED. “How did you make yourself so solid with the girl’s mother?” “Met her in the hall one evening when I called and mistook her for the daughter.”—[Detroit Free Press. A CRUEL HINT. “Do you know, Mabel, I had two offers of marriage last week.” Mabel —My darling Anne! I am so delighted. Then it is really true that your uncle left you all his money?” GETS TIRED EASILY. Miss Take—l have frequently observed that Mr. Modest leaves the hotel piazza at an early hour in the evening to court sleep. Is he ill? Miss Interpret—No, he isn’t sick. It’s merely a habit with him. He was always of a retiring disposition.—[Boston Herald. JUBT WHAT HE WANTED. Husband (after a sharp quarrel)—You may buy the dress if you wish, but I shan’t pay for it. Wife—Then they’ll sue you for the amount. Husband —So much the better; in that case I’ll pawn the piano for the money. —[Humoristieche Blaetter. TnE BUSINESS AGE.

Friend —Why didn’t you exhibit at the World’s Fair? Manufacturer—Business, old boy, business See? “Humph! I don’t see." “You are away behind the age. By refusing to exhibit I got half the papers to denouncing me, and the other half to dt-Tcnding me, until I’ve had about a million dollars’ worth of first-class advertising, and it hasn’t cost me a cent.”— [New York Weekly. FOR THE PRBBENT. Freddie is a bad boy, aged six, and his brother Charlie is four. Freddie wae at his usual game of teasing and pinching and bullyragging his brother when his mother interfered. “Don’t you know,” she said reprovingly, “that you are laying up trouble for yourself by and by by doing this?” “Maybe I am,” he replied defiantly, “but Charlie is getting his now.”—[Detroit Free Press.

SALVE FOR WOUNDED HONOR. A. —You are an infamous rascal! B. —See here, I’ll not allow any man to call me that, and I’ll just go and make a complaint ngaingt you in court. A. What 1 Make a complaint about such a trifle! See, I’ll make vou a present of three dollars if you call it square. B. —No, sir. Vou evidently don’t know me. I certainly will not let any man call me an infamous rascal for a cent less than five dollars.—[Sohalk. A DOUBTING TnOHAS. Mrs. Meadow—The paper says It’ll rain to-morrow. Farmer Meadow—lt does, eh! Well, I hain’t much faith in those newspaper predictions. What does the almanac say?—[Puck. IN A HOSPITAL. Doctor (to patient)—Young man, you do not seem to pick up as fast as I expected you would. Patient—That’s so, doctor, I don’t feel as if I would be able to leave the hospital for some time yet. I b'elieve tlat the nurse is to blame for It.J’

“Why, how is that?” “Well, she is only eighteen years old and very good-looking.” “I think I’ll have to prescribe another nurse.”—[Texas Siftings. AN OBJECT OF PITY. Watts—l feel awfully sorry for Biggerstaff these hot days. Potts—What’s the matter withßiggerstaff? Watts—He is one of these fellows who can make a good appearance only when he is wearing a fur-lined overcoat. -[lndianapolis Journal. NOT NECESSARILY. Miss Pruyn—lf you have never been in love, Mr. Waite, you have missed half of your life. Waite—Which half? Mis Pruyn—Why, your better half, of coursel OPPOSITE, AND YET ALIKE. Now seated on the beach or bluff, When day to night her reign doth render, The fisherman tells stories tough, The ardent lovers stories tender. —[New York Press.

WOULD NOT BE NOTICED. Applicant—Yes. madame, -1 wish to secure board, but I must inform you that I am a vegetarian, madame. Mrs. Slimdiet—Ob, that will be al] right. You will not be expected to eal the meat. None of the others ever do.— [New York Weekly. WILLING TO WAIT. Miss Dukkets—Did you tell Mr. Getthere I was not in? Bridget—l did, mum. Miss Dukkets—What did he say? Bridget—He said; “Well, tell her to come down as soon as she is in.” He’s n the parlor.—[Puck. IN THE HAUNT OF THE MOSQUITOES. “Been fishing?” “Yes.” “Many bites?” “Just look at my face.” —[New York Press. ODDS AND ENDS. Reports from the muster field are mostly of a uniform character.— [Lowell Courier. The bargain man who sells you goods at two prices puts them to you regardless of cost. —[Galveston News. Visitor—Your river is really very bad. Loyal Chicagoan—But just think how bad it would be if it were worse.—[Chicago Record.

Some mea never cut much of a figure until they have been made an example of.-r[Troy Press. During the preserving season the housewife realizes that one essential of the occupation is to preserve her equanimity.—[Boston Courier. When the millennium comes the bather who keeps one foot on the bottom will quit telling her friends that she has really learned to swim. Charley—So, Jim, you were extravagant enough to pay S2O a dozen for your handkerchiefs. Don’t you think that was a good deal of money to blow in?— [Columbian Spectator. If some people think they can crawl through the needle’s eye into heaven they’re going to get stuck. —[Philadelphia Times. There is no disputing the fact that a man must have considerable “go” to gain much prominence as a traveler.— [Buffalo Courier. The sad sea waves—The hotel-keepei saluting his parting guests. When a parliamentary division ends in a free fight both the eyes and nose are apt to have it.—[Lowell Courier.