Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 31, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 August 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS 11Y FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Lessons In Politeness Ailannmtliie— Her Preference-Cmbrellas, Too— New at the Business, etc., etc. LESSONS lit rOI.ITB.NKBS. Mrs. Wiekwire—Don't you think you might take off your hat when you are addressing a lady ? Hungry Higgins—Don’t you think, mum, when a gent calls on you that you might invite him in and offer him a cheer ?—[lndianapolis Journal. adamantine. “I never saw any one so set and obstinate as John is.” “You surprise me. ” “Yes, indeed. Why, only this very morning we had a dispute, but I stood firm and told him he might move the pyramids, but he couldn’t budge me when my mind was made up.” “And he admitted he was wrong?” “Well, about the same thing. He said: “Have your own way, Maria.” “Of coarse. What was it about?” “Ideclare I’ve forgotten: but it was the principle, you know.”—[Truth. lIEK PREFERENCE. “Now, which kind of music do you wish to become proficient in?” said the professor to the new pupil. “Oh. olassical, by all means,” replied the young woman. “I am very glad to hear you expreis this preference.” “Yes. When you play classical music hardly anybody knows whether you make a mistake or not.” —|Washiugton Star.

UMBRELLAS, TOO. Gus De Smith—Balloons are very unfortunate pieces of mechanism. McGinnis—How so? Gus De Smith—They are always used up. —[Texas Siftings. • NEW AT TIIE BUSINESS. Nurse —Baby has cut two of his teeth and Mother—Oh, dear! Do you think he has spoiled the lit of them.—[Chicago luter-Oceau. SUBTLE METHODS. “Do you feel sure, Tom, that you can win Nellie’s love ?’’ “Yes; not a doubt of it. Why, I proposed last night to Alice.”—[Chicago Inter-Ocean. NO ACCIDENT THEBE. “How’d the barbecue come off?” “Jes’ middlin’.” “Any accidents?” “No; three men killed iu a row, an’ two more dropped l'er pastime, but no accidents.”—|Atlanta Constitution. A NEW IDEA AT LAST. “That poet is a genius.” “Why?” “He rhymes raiment with payment. Tailors will tell you that that really is a new idea; the two go together so seldom”— [Truth. A WOMAN’S TASTE. Kate—l don’t believe this fountain was designed by a woman, do you ? “Why?” “Well, I think it would have been Dr ice cream soda instead of water.”— [Chicago Inter-Ocean. ‘ LOVE AND FINANCE. Alonzo (twanging the lyre) —I si-ieg to tbce-ee, my love Araminta—Yes, it’s very pretty, Aloor.o, and it pleases me; but papa says you can’t sing a “pretty tune” enough to please him. Please try it on the dog—or, let us talk about something else.— [Vogue. SF.EMS REASONABLE. “I don’t see what claim you havn to this accident insurance,” said the agent. “You were thrown out of a wagon, i admit, but, on your own statement, you were not hurt.” “Well, wasn’t it by the merest accident 1 escaped injury?” suggested the claimant. —|Puck. A WOFCL PLIGHT.

She met twenty men at a summer resort, At a summer resort on the shore of the sea, And nineteen of these were enslaved by her charms, And low to fair Adelaide bended the knee; Hut a cloud now hangs over her beautiful brow And pale are the cheeks that bloomed like a rose; Her soul is consumed with vexation—because One man of the twenty had failed to propose. [New York Herald. SOME LITTER EXPERIENCE. She —You are the first one who ever kissed me that way. He—You mean you never before felt a lover’s kiss. She —No, I mean that no one before ever missed my mouth, and hit my nose three times out of five.—[Good News. BREAD AND BUTTER. The poet had brought his poem in to sell to the theatric-looking gent, who sat in judgment on poems for the magazines with which he was connected. “I hope,” said the poet, trembling, “that you will be able to accept this for I sorely need what it wiii bring.” “I am sorry,” he replied, “that I cannot accept it. You see, we have certain rules to observe which are not met in this, and it is not meet for me” “Meat for you ? ” exclaimed the poet frantically. “What do I care for that ? It is bread and butter for me and I must have it,” and the editor asked him out to lunch.—[Detroit Free Press. A BONANZA. Parent—Now, what arc you going to charge me to cure this boy of the measles? Physician—Nothing at all, my dear sir. as it is an original case; and you get your ten per cent, commission for every child that catches them from him.— [Puck. it did not work. Little Brother —Grown folks don’t know as much as they think they do! Little Sister—Why? Little Brother —Mamma whipped me yesterday and said she guessed that ud teach me a lesson; and to-day I missed every lesson jus’ the same as before.— [Good News. BALLAST. “Why do you lug that big cane with you?” “For protection. If I didn’t my broad brimmed straw hat might catch a breeze and tow me into the lake by the string.” —[Chicago Hecord.

SRKAT SCHIHB. Briggs—The thermometer in my room is ninety degrees. Griggs—Don’t you want to borrow the one in my room? It’s only eighty-sis degrees.—[Truth. THE OH AM MAR CLASS. Teacher—" John returned the book.” In what ease is book Dull Boy (after long thought)—Bookease. A DIFFERENCE. City Editor— you've got the account of that woman’s suffrage meeting, have you? What’s that big roll of paper under your arm < Reporter— What they said at the meeting. City Editor—And that slip of paper you are twirling in your lingers? lieporter— What they did.—[Buffale Courier. OK EDS, NOT WORDS. Along the sands with her he strays When softly falls the summer eve, And many tender things he says, Which she feigns to believe. But though the youth may press her hand, Thtf period’s short of love’s young dream For him if he neglects to stand The soda and ice cream. —[New York Pres 3. A SUGGESTION. “Dear me,” cried Mr. Barlow, on the evening of the fireworks display, “the stick on our finest and largest rocket is broken, and we can’t replace it.” There was a moment’s silence, and then a voice from the dark piazza suggested: “Use Cholly.”—[Harper’s Bazar.

AMPLY QUALIFIED. Recruiting Officer—l’m afraid you are not heavy enough for a cavalryman. We want men who can ride right over everything, if necessary. Applicant—That’s all right. Cap. I’ve been a New York truck driver for seven years!—[Puck. THE LANDLORD'S OX WAS GORED. Cuinback—l was a guest of the Colorado Resort Hotel which was held up and robbed by a lone baudit, not long ago. Stayhome—What did the landlord do about it? Cumback—He roared unceasingly for two days about its being the worst breach of professional courtesy he had ever heard of.—[Puck. antidote for tragedy. Winks—Come along, old boy, I’ve got two complimentary tickets for a dramatic performance. Jinks—Tragedy or comedy? “Tragedy.” “I don’t like tragedies. They appeal so strongly to one’s sympathies that I always feel blue for a week.” “This one won’t. You’ll come home as jolly as if you’d been to a circus. It’s by an amateur company.”—[New York Weekly. ODDS AND ENDS. The fat man in the side-show is lying in wait for his victims.—[Galveston News. Perhaps if a pneumatic tire were put on the dollar of the dads it would circulate better. —[Johnstown Democrat. A man never discovers how hard his lot really is until he tries to put u spade into it and make a garden.—[Washington Star. A man will get mad quicker at being oalled a fool than at any other term you may use. It is probably because the allegation is so easy to prove.—Chester News. The boarding-house keeper often complains of the effort it costs to get up a meal, and her boarders maintain that it is more of an effort to get it down.— [Yonkers Statesman. Robbins—l’m just back from Chicago and— Dobbins—Really, old fellow, sorry, but I’m so tied up financially that I can’t lend you a cent.—[Philadelphia Record. Late revellers singing “There’s no place like home” always stop their melody just before they get there, and creep upstairs in their stocking feet. — [Boston Transcript.