Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 August 1893 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Odd, Curious, and Laughable Phase* of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists of Our Own Day —A Budget of Fan. Sprinkles of Spice. If you really want a man to keep cool, don’t tell him to.—Washington Star. The lean pig is the one that squeals the most. Let the fault-finder make a note.—Ram’s Horn. If pretty women were conductors men wouldn’t try to evade the car fair.—Lowell Courier. When old ocean is in for a “high time” there Is sure to be a raid on bars.—Yonkers Gazette. She —This fur rug is very beautiful; to what beast does it belong? He (candidly)—To me.—Jury. The law is like the ocean. The greatest trouble is caused by its breakers.—Rochester Democrat.

“Does Mr. Lynch suffer from chronic thirst?” “Oh, dear, no. He doesn’t wait long e.nough.”—Squibs. “I find my money in creasing,” said the man whose business was pressing clothes.—Yonkers Statesman. A sausage machine exploded in a Manayunk butcher shop and a meateoric shower ensued.—Philadelphia Record. The, scout heads the list in industry. His business is scouring plains and scaling mountains.—Cleveland Plaindealer. The miracle about the tippler’s head is that the less there is of it the more apt it is to go round.—Elvira Gazette. A Legal Curiosity. —The desire to know what men with masks are doing In your house after mid night.— Detroit Tribune. Openwork hose may be popular with fashionable damsels, but a good Are department will have none of it. —Lowell Courier.

Canada has carried off nearly all the World’s Fair prizes for cheese. The victory must have been a mite-y one.—Troy Press. The lynching center is gradually appreaching the World’s Fair. The hotel-keeper had better beware.— Memphis Appeal. ' The modern landlord doesn’t get frightened when he sees the handwriting on the wall. He just gets mad.—Buffalo Courier. “What sort of a girl is she?” “Oh, she is a miss with a mission. ” “Ah!” “And her mission is seeking a man with a mansion.”—Life. When a girl has two strings to her bow it simply means that if she may not with one she will knot with the other.—Philadelphia Press.

The author who sent to an editor “a story of his own composure” didn’t add much to the editor’s stock of tranquillity.—Lowell Courier. She —What return did you get from the contribution you sent to that literary journal? He The manuscript—Detroit Free Press. Figg —You have seen Jones’ wife; wbait is sha like? Should you call her pretty? Fogg—l might if I was talking to Jones.—Boston Transcript* While the spoon is an insignificant article to look at, it has probably caused more stir in the world than any other one thing. —Buffalo Courier. Watts —What right has Jiggsby to he applying for a pension? Potts— He claims he lost his voice in the Salvation Army.—lndianapolis JournaL To Constant Reader: No; the issuing of marriage licenses was not prohibited by the law Tforbidding the sale of lottery tickets.—Buffalo Courier. Exacting Father —“ James, how are you getting along with that job of wood splitting?” Rebellious Son —“l’m making about three knots an hour. ” —Detroit Free Press.

Excellent wrapping paper is now made from the stalk of the banana plant. The peel will go on making those who inadvertently step on it rap sidewalks.—Philadelphia Ledger. “How is it with you?” asked the editor of a subscriber who was dying in arrears. “All looks bright before me,” gasped the subscriber. “I thought so,” said the editor; “in about ten minutes you’ll see the blaze.”—Oil City Derrick. An Original Composition.— Teacher—“ Are any of your compositions ready?” Little Girl —“Mine is." “Is it an original composition?” “Yes’m.” “You may read it.” “I went to a wedding and a funeral, an’ the bride looked lovely an’ the corpse looked natural.’’—Good News. Mrs. Kindly— “Now, I’ll give you a dime, poor man. But I hope you will not go and get drunk with it. ” The Poor Man (much hurt) —“Lady, you do me a great wrong to suggest such a thing.” Mrs. Kindly—l didn’t mean to accuse you ” The Poor Man—“l’m glad of it, lady. Do I lookflike a man who could get drunk on a dime?”—Puck. Caller —“ Why are you waving your handkerchief so wildly?” Murilla—“Since papa has forbidden Jack the house we have arranged a code of signals.” Caller —“What is it?” Murilla— “When he waves his handkerchief five times that means, ‘Do you love me?’ and when I wave frantically in reply, it means. ‘Yes, darling.’” Caller —“And how do you ask the other question?” Murilla—“We don’t. That’s the whole code. ” —Harper’s Bazar.