Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 28, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 August 1893 — AT THE ’PHONE. [ARTICLE]

AT THE ’PHONE.

She Was a Nervous Woman and Wanted to See Her Husband. “Hel-lo!” said Mrs. Van Smith sweetly as she took down the telephone receiver without thinking to ring. “Hello! [A pause.] Oh, dearl Hei-10-o! Why don’t they answer? [Another pause.] Oh, I forgot to ring. How absurd! [Rings.] Hello! Is this Oh. why are they so slow? Hello! Say, hello! [Rings again.] O, that’s them at last. Well, say, is this Mr. Van Oh, hello’. [Sundry rings and pauses.] Is this Mr. Van Smith? [Another pause.] Is this Mr. Why don’t you answer? Oh, hello, hello! Who—is—this? [Pause.] Oh, central office! Why, I dont want any central office. 1 want the Van Smith Consolidated Cheese 'Company. 1 want Mr. Van Smith. V-a-n-s-m [lnterruption and pause.] What number? How do I know what Directory? Telephone directory? Where? Tied to this ’phone? Oh! All right! [Espies telephone directory at right of transmitter and opens it.] Let’s see; Van, v—p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w—v comes between u and w. Oh, here it is; the Van Smith Consol Main number 4022. [lnto the ’phone.] Say, hello! Oh, my good gracious! I’ve got to ring again. [Sundry further wild rings and 'subsequent pauses.] At last! Is that you? [A paused] My, what Impudence! I mean, who is this? We]U, give me—[Aside] —where is that telephone book? Wait a minute! [Consults directory.] Give me main number four thousand and twenty-two! Four, yes, four, that’s it” [Long pause, varied by moaned and muttered “hellos.”] “Say, who is this? Is this Mr. Van Smi ? Well, say, who—what—why, I am close to the ’phone —as close as I can get [Louder.] Is this Mr Van Smith? Well, is he there? Well, say, will it be too much trouble to let him know that if he’s there somebody wants to see him? Tell him I want to see him. Yes, I! It’s me wants to see him.” [Saddened voice, barely audible, coming from the ’phone: “Madam, will you kindly gather together your intellectual forces to explain who you are? The supply of is practically unlimited.”] [Mrs. Van Smith continuing.] “Oh! the mean thing! I’m Mrs. Van Smith. [Long pause.] Who is this? [ecstatically ] Charley? Yes, dear. Well, say, Charley, I just wanted to know if you were there. You are there, aren’t you? Well, that’s all. Good-by! Good-by!” [Goes away leaving the receiver hanging down.] —'Chicago Record. Presence of Mind. There is nothing like presence of mind after all. The other day, during a tremendous shower, a gentleman entered a fashionable ciub, bearing a splendid ivory -handled silk umbrella, which he placed in the stand. Instantly another gentleman, who was mourning the abstiaction of just such an article, jumped up. “Will you allow me to look at that?” he said sternly. “Certainly,” remarked the umbrella-carrier. “I was just taking it to the police-station. It was left in my house last night by a burglar whom we frightened off. I hope it will prove a flrst-rate clue. * And, though the exasperated owner could plainly see where his name had been scratched off the handle, he sat down and changed tbe subject