Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 27, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 July 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Heredity —Vicarious Gymnastics —A Short Memory—An Obliging Nephew, Etc., Etc. HEREDITY. Mrs. Jackson—l don’t think that the boy is a counterpart of you by any means; he frequently exhibits traits of ray character. Mr. Jaokson—Yes, and I have noticed then that a spanking always followed.— [New York Sun. THE CYCLE. She—Pshaw! A married woman doesn’t have any fun and an engaged girl doesn’t have any fun. He (most distressed) —But what fun does an unengaged girl have? She—She has the fun of trying to get erfgaged and married.—[Truth, VICARIOUS GYMNASTICS. “ I say, Cholly,” said Chappie, “ I should think it would make you tiahed to sit heah in the gymnasium and watch your man swing Indian clubs.” “It does, deah boy, it does. Ido it for haws an houah evwy morning. It’s the way I take me exercise.”— [Washington Evening Star. A SHpRT MEMORY.

“Do you always learn all the hard lessons the teacher gives you?” astied Uncle Mark. “Ohyes,” replied Willie; “but I find they’re awful easy to forget.”—[Harper’s Young People. AN OBLIGING NEPHEW. Aunt—\ou visit me often enough, I admit, but you want money every time. Now I tell you plainly that you need not expect anything from me as long as I live. Nephew—Oh, my dear, I will willingly wait longer than that.—[Schalk. KNEW NO MORE THAN THE FLY. For several minutes Carleton watched a fly buzzing on the window-pane and then asked: “Why does that fly do that?” “Because,” explained mamma, “he doesn’t know what glass is, and wants to get out.” “Well,” answered Carleton, shortly, “I guess I must be a fly, ’cause I don’t know what glass is.”—[Harpet’s Young People.

AN HONEST WOOER. The Heiress—Why do you wish to marry rae?” The Impecunious—You wish me to answer honestly? The H.—Yes. The I.—Without concealment or prevarication? The H.—Yes. The I.—Because I want you to be my wife.—[New York Press. SAFETY ASSURED. Old Lady—Oh, I always get so nervous ou a railroad. Don’t you think we’re goin’ at an awful rate? Mr. Illuck—Y-e-s, but you needn’t worry, mum; there won't be any accident. “How do you know there won't?” “’Cause I’ve got an accident insurance ticket.”—[New York Weekly. THEY COME HIGH, BUT — Mrs. Makeshift—Well, I’ve found out how to make up my new dress at last. Mr. M.—Then why don’t you get the stuff? Mrs. M.—No money left. It took all I had to buy fashion magazines.—[New York Weekly.

POVERTY IN OPULENCE. “With all her money there’s one thing Mrs. Oldglrl doesn’t own.” “What is that?” “Her age.” CALL TO A CHAIR. Barber—Well, this is the la3t time I shall cut your hair. Customer —Going out of the business? Barber—No; I have accepted the call to a chair at Cornell University.—[Puck. discouraging. Weary Raggles—Please, mister, can't you give me a little assistance? Mr. Newcomer—Dig up this garden and I will give you fifty cents. Weary Raggles—Better keep it, boss; you’ll heed it to buy vegetables with.— [Puck. HIS prospects not good. Waterman—Who is that dude who has come here to board? Wife—He says he is a marine painter. Waterman—You’d better ask board in advance. All tae mariners around here paint their own boats.—[New York Weekly. the muse on a tear. • If a lot of little mouses Are a lot of little mice, Wny are not a lot of houses Called a lot of little hice? —[Philadelphia Press. the groves of blarney. lilary—Cover your head, Mr. Costigan, flr it’s suustruck you’ll be. Mr. C.—Cover those party eyes of yours, darlint, or it’s worse than sunshtruck I’ll be.—[Life’s Calendar.

TWO PUNCTUAL husbands. Wife No. I—l must say that my husband is as regular as a clock. He"come i home punctually every ni<dit at V o’clock. Wife No. 2—My husband is also* as regular as a clock. Punctually at o’clock every night he goes to the saloon.—[Fliegende Blaetter. a text applied. -Mrs. Hichurch (as she gazes out of the window on a rainy Sunday morning) Yes. it’s true. Providence does tempo* the wind to the shorn lamb. Mr. Hichurch—Wbat make 9 you say so? Mrs. Hichurch—Why, my new bonnet didn’t come home last night.—[Puck. A PROUD RECORD. Schoolboy (proudly)—l haven’t missed school one day this term, an.’ I haven’t been late once. Mother—That’s splendid; but what arc all these black marks in your report? Schoolboy—Them’s only for missin’ lessons.

A NOBLE AMBITION. Cholly—l am tired of letting paw sup port me, and I’ve made up me mind to become independent of him, don’t you know. Miss Bullion—l think that a very noble ambition. Cholly—Yaas. I’ve determined to settle down and marry some nice rich girl like you, don’t you know.—[New York Weekly.

DECLINED XVITH THANKS. Miss Spinster (to small caller)— Will you have some tea? Small Caller —No’m, thank you. Mamma says if I drink tea I’ll be a sour old maid, like you.—[Good News. HAPPY DAYS OF OLD. Those were indeed the good old times. Whenever a knight saw his creditors approaching he simply pulled up his drawbridge.—[Fliegeude Blaetter. LUXURIES OF LIFE. Mrs. Upton —You will have to increase my allowance for servants’ wages, my dear. Mr. Upton—What for? Mrs. Upton —Our butler wants a valet, and my waiting maid wants a waiting maid. EVOLUTION. “I am looking,” said the dusty, travel - stained man with avalise, “for an old friend of mine who used to live on this street.” “What's his name?" inquired the policeman, leaning against the lamp post. “Dobbin.” “No man of that name living along here.” “No, I reckon not,'’ said the dusty traveller, looking in a perplexed way at a memorandum he bad in his hand aud then at a row of stately dwellings in front of him, “but he used to live iu a one-story cottage right where that big stone-front stands.” “Was he a short, heavy man, with a bald head and one leg a little shorter than the other ?” “Yes, that’s the man. Where is he now?” “ Always walked with his hands behind him and wore chin whiskers?” “That describes him exactly." “Why, he got a street-paving contract three or four rears ago and he’s worth $100,000.” “Good for Dobbin! What’s become of him? Is he iu Europe ? ” “No,” answered the policeman, pointing at the big stone front. “He lives right there, and his name's D’Aubigne.” —[Chicago Tribune.

ODDS AND ENDS. The doctor understands all tongues. Wherever the experienced blind man moves there is an era of good feeling.— [Tioy Press. No matter how cheap quinine may be it is always a drug in the market.—[ln-ter-Ocean. With reference to dog shows it may be said a dog's ancestral tree cannot be told by its bark.—Philadelphia Times. A match doesn’t know enough to keep in when it rains. At all events, it ia sure to go out if it is wet. —[Boston Transcript. The restaurateurs at the Columbian Exposition seem to think that a Fair exchange is no robbery.—[lndianapolis New 3. The estimated cost of susuendiug Dr. Briggs is $50,003. In some of the frontier communities, and eveu within the borders of the effete East, they sometimes have a way of suspending a man at a merely nominal expense.—[Detroit Free Press. “I never could understand, Sir. Widehat, why it is they call your part of the country the ‘Woolly West.’ ” “It wouldn’t be any mystery, my dear Miss liarlembridge, if you knew the number of Eastern lambs sheared out there.” Iu Machinery Hall—“ Don’t you think the noise here is very overpowering?" said a recent visitor to Chicago. “It doesn’t seem so to me. I have just come from the Woman’s Building.”