Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 25, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 July 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. His Exact Height-A Remarkable Case—No Consideration Swan Song of the Boston Organ, etc., etc. his exact height. “I am six feet. How tall are you J ” asked a tall man of President Charles A. Deshon of the New York Southern Club. “I am six feet, too,” replied Mr. Deshon, and his friend thinks to this day that Deshon is more than six feet in height.—[The Club. A REMARKABLE CASE. Jaxum—Currie is a great drinker of soda water, lemonade and such things. Smith —Yes. In that way he is rather paradoxical. Jaxum—How ? Smith—He is a hard drinker of soft drinks.—[New York Herald. NO CONSIDERATION. Husband—Where is the hammer t Wife—You had it yesterday. “ I’m not asking where it was yesterday.” “ You had it yesterday, and no one else has had it since.” “ Huh! Well, if you had the least bit of consideration for my feelings, you would have used that hammer for something or other after I got through with t, and then you would know where it s.”—[New York Weekly.

SWAN SONO OF THE BOSTON ORGAN. “It’s curious,” said Wilkins, “how coming events cast their shadows before them. I’ll wager a fiver none of you gentlemen can guess what was the last .thing played on the Tremont Temple organ at the time of the fire.” “The Lost Chord,” suggested Dumbley. Wilkins shook his head. “Dies Ir®,” said the classical gentleman. Wilkins shook his head again. “What was it, then?” asked the practical member. Wilkins got up, reached for his hat, and went to the door. Then he replied: “The hose.”—[Boston Budget. IT DEPENDED. With a view to giving a performance in the evening the manager of the traveling dramatic company was inspecting the building called by the enterprising Arizona proprietor an opera house. “Yes, it’s large enough,” he said, “ and the lighting arrangements seem to be about right, but it hasn’t exits enough. Did you ever try to find out how long it takes to empty the hall?” “You bet I have!” answered the proprietor. “A dog-fight on the outside will empty the buildin’ in twenty, seven seconds by the watch.”—[Chicago Tribune.

THE USUAL WAY. “You are a coward!” “Do you call me a coward?” “Yes. That’s what you are.” “How dare you! Take it back!” “Not much. You’re a coward.” “That’s a deadly insult.” “1 know it, and I mean it.” “Well,l’m not going to stay here and lend the tacit support of my presence to such an outrage. Good dayl”—[Chicago Record. HOW HE LOST HIS HAIR. “Mr. Skadkins is very baldheaded,isn’t he?” she observed. “Yes; but in his case to be baldheaded is an evidence of triumph." “Why? Is it the result of great mental effort?” “It is. He lost his hair figuring out the formula for the hair restorer that made his fortune.”—[Washington Star. woman’s sweetness.

Clarissa—You have had your future told, I hear? Ethel—Yes, and I am to have » rich and handsome husband. Clarissa (after a pause)—What a foolish thing this fortune telling is when you come to think of it!—[New York Press. A LIVING IN A DEAD TOWN. Stranger—Seems to me this is a dead town. Editor—lt is. Stranger—How do you manage to make a living out of it? Editor-I’m coroner.—[Atlanta Constitution. THE WRONG PLATE. Traveler—Here, landlord, what’s the matter with your dog? I have driven him away a score of times, but he always comes back again- and -Sits close up to my chair watching every mouthful I eat. Do turn him out and let me have my dinner in peace. Landlord—Please, sir, my Karo is sutb a knowing brute; I expect you have got the plate he generally eats out of.— [Lubecker Kalender.

TWO SPHERES. Little Dick—Papa doesn’t have any fun. He has to go to business every day. Little Dot—That’s to get money, ’cause he’s a provider, mamma says. “A what?” “A provider.” “Well, if papa is a—a provider, I wonder what mamma is.” “I guess she’s a divider.”—[Good News. EXPLAINED. Irate Parent—lt’s over an hour since I sent you to the store to get those things, and now you have come back without them! Small Boy—lt was such a long time before my turn came to be waited on that I forgot what you wanted. Irate Parent—Why didn’t you come home to And out? Small Boy—’Fraid I’d lose my turn! — [Harper’s Bazar.

STRETCHING TRUTH TOO FAR. Lady—What cute little dogs! What do you charge for them? Peddler—These dogs, mum, is the—er —the Alaska spaniel, mum. All the ladies of Alaska has had these dogs for pets for centuries, mum. • Such dogs as these is worth fifty dollars apiece, mum. Lady—Humph! I’ve read a good deal about Alaska, and have formed the opinion that ladies are rather scarce in that region. Peddler (hastily) - Yes, mum, that’s what's the matter. Ladies has got so scarce there that there is more dogs than they want. That’s why I can sell you one of these for two dollars and a half, mum.—[New York Weekly. SHE BIT. “There’s a fellow out in the East End,” said Stringer, “who fell off a tree over six weeks ago and his pjrents haven’t called in a doctor yet.”

“They’re brutes,” replied Mrs. Strin* ger. “Why haven’t they?” “Because the fellow wasn’t hurt.”— [Pittaburg Dispatch. IN KANSAS. ’Twas on a Santa Fe express, In Kansas, one bright day, A curly head quite snugly On a manly shoulder lay. The situation was, it seems, Too tempting to resist, So, when no one was looking, they Each other slyly kissed. Just then the brakeman shouted out “Odora!” Quite enraged, And blushing scarlet, Dora said : “What of it? We’re engaged!’’ —[Kansas City Journal. A PROUD RECORD. School Boy (proudly)—l haven’t missed school one day this term, an’ I haven’t been late once. Mother—That’s splendid; but what are all these black marks in your report ? School Boy—Them’s only for missin' lessons.—[Good News. BETTER THAN PRESENCE OF MIND. “I was in a railroad accident once/’ said the man in the smoker to a group of listeners, “and had both legs and both arms broken.” “Did you retain your presence of mind?” inquired one of the listeners. “No.” “No? What did you do?” “I retained a lawyer and got SIO,OOO damages.”—[Detroit Free Press. PROBABLY HAUNTED. Mrs. Slimpurse Did you inquire about that house we liked so much? Mr. Slimpurse—Y-e-s. That house is haunted, or something. “Goodness! Did the landlord say so ? ” “N-o, not exactly, but he seemed to be sure we’d move out inside of a week.” “ Horrors! Did he say he thought we would ? ” “ Well, n-o, not in so many words.” “Then what did he say ? ’’ “ He said he wanted a month’s rent in advance.”—[New York Weekly. “TRANSPARENT" DEFINED. Teacher—Tommy Taddells,what is the meaning of the word “ transparent ”? Tommy Something you can see through. Teacher—Name something you can see through. Tommy—A ladder.—[Harper’s Bazar.

ODDS AND ENDS. Fashion note: Heavy overcoats are now cut by their owners.—[Philadelphia Ledger. As to horse shows, the best of them won’t get any unless the jockey is straight.—[Philadelphia Times. Variety is the spice of life, but it will never prove an acceptable substitute for cloves at the theatre.—[Detroit Fiee Press. “I’ve got it in for you, my friend,” soliloquized the mosquito, sinking it a little deeper in the sleeping victim’s nose.—[Chicago Tribune. You say in the meantime. To what period do you refer? To house-clean-ing.—[Detroit Tribune. If a person says he will not countenance a thing perhaps he will not face it either. —[Yonkers Statesman. Tommy—Say, Paw. Mr. Figg—Well? Tommy—ls slow fevers the easiest to catch?—[lndianapolis Sentinel. A Kansas man thinks he can destroy cyclones by exploding them. “Try it and be blowed!” says the cyclone.— [Chicago News. The trapeze performer’s business is precarious at best. He should always have some good thing to fall back on.— [Troy Press.

A Baltimore paper says that the soldiers at Forties Monroe have three pet billy-goats. They arc doubtless kept on the ram-parts.—[Philadelphia Record. “You are very stupid, Bridget. I told you I was at home to nobody, and yet you tell Mrs. Barker that I am at home.” “But yer said yersilf, ma’am, last night only, that Mrs. Barker was nobody."— [Harper’s Bazar. “I have just been enjoying myself among the breakers,” as the young man said who had been talking to the kitchen girls.—[Cleveland Plain Dealer. * “It seems,” said the barber, “that my whole life is to be spent getting out of one scrape into another.”