Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 23, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 June 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. An All Powerful Protector—Thought He Was Scared—A Last ResourceHad to Overcome the Noise, etc., etc. AN ALL POWERFUL PROTECTOR. She—l have heard a good many times about the terrible earthquakes that take place on the Riviera, and I only hope that none will occur while we are there. He—Don’t be uneasy, my love. Nothing shall happen to you as long as I am with you.—[Schalk. THOUGHT HE WAS SCARED. Papa—What is your mamma doing? Little Daughter—Knitting. Papa (surprised) —Eh ? Knitting ? What? Little Daughter—l don’t know; but you needn’t be scared. It isn’t her brows.—[Good News.

A LAST RESOURCE. He—Miss Moneybags has married her guardian.' She—What did she marry that old man for? He—Oh, to keep the money in the family, I suppose.—[Life. HAD TO OVERCOME THE NOISE. “Your friend appears to be a fine sort of fellow; but what makes him dress in such boisterous fashion?" “Well, you see, it’s a matter of early environment. When he was a young man he was employed in a boiler factory.”—[Detroit Tribune. CHANCE FOR DOUBT. She (gushingly)—Will you love me when I’m old? He —Love you ? I shall idolize—um—er— You are not going to look like your mother are you ?—[New York Weekly. MODERN ATHLETICS. Hicks—Blitson, they tell me, is quite an athlete. Wicks—Yes; his last feat, I hear, was to run up a board bill.—[Boston Transcript.

A TIP TO THE WAITER. “If I might venture,”said the guest in a low tone, as the dignified waiter assisted in the matter of putting on his overcoat, “to give you a tip—” “Yes, sir,” said the waiter, relaxing considerably. “I should advise you to try earnestly to break yourself of the habit of fingering your mustache in a severe, abstracted manner while you are taking a dinner order. My hat, please. Thanks.” —[Chicago Tribune. THE RULING PASSION. Host (proudly)—And this is a masterpiece of Rembrandt! Visitor—Great Scott, man! What is that hole in the corner ? It spoils the whole picture. Host—Well, you see, my wife is an autograph collector, and she wouldn’t rest until she cut the signature out and pasted it in her album.—[Puck. IMPORTED. Elsie—Where does Miss Smith get that lovely complexion ? Ethel—-From Paris, I believe. A HEARTLESS WISH. Wife—See, my dear, this style of dress is the very latest fashion. Husband (with a deep sigh)—How glad I would be if it would continue to be the latest fashion. —[Schalk. EXCUSABLE IN A RUSH. Proprietor—How came this new postage stamp in the money drawer ? Clerk—That’s my mistake, sir. I took it in for a two-dollar bill.

MUST BE SOMETHING TERRIBLE. Dora—l sha’n’t stand it another minute ! I’m going to send him back his ring! Clara—What? That beautiful diamond ring? “Yes.” “Horrors I What has he done? Robbed a church, killed his mother, or what?”— [New York Weekly. A QUERY. Dorothy—Miss Perte keeps up with the fashions. Madge—l wonder if her father keeps up with the bills. AN angel’s TREASURES. Accepted Suitor—Why, my angel, what’s the matter? The Angel—Oh, the awfulest thing has happened. I have lost my engagement ring. Little Brother—Why, Sis, what a fuss you are making! You’ve got plenty more of them.—[Good News. EXPLAINING IT. Mother—Horrors! How did you get .so muddy? Small Son —Runnin’ home to see if there was anything you wanted me to do. —[Good News. A SHREWD LAWYER.

Judge—You admit the promise of marriage, I understand, but cl»m that the defendant was insane when the promise was made? Defendant’s Lawyer—Yes, Your Honor, we enter a plea of insanity. J.—Upon what evidence do you depend to sustain your claim of aberration of mind? D. L.—-We intend, Your Honor, to read the love letters that he wrote to her. —[New York Sun. BUT HOW MUCH IS “ENOUGH.” May Blume (scornfully)—l hear that you have wagered money that you would marry me. Van Ische—Yes; will you marry me? Miss Blume—lf you wagered enough, I will.—[Puck. TO THE MANNER BORN. “Well,” said the lawyer to the witness, “how far was it from your house to the road?” “Well, sir,” said the witness, “I reckin hit wur ’bout a acre an’ a half.” • “Idiot,” cried the lawyer, “how many yards was it?” “Well, sir,” replied the witness, “thar wuz only one yard, an' that wur my yard, an’ hit ain’t fenced in, nuther!”— [Atlanta Constitution.

THE UNREASONABLENESS OF MAN. Mrs. Van Astfilt—Why don’t you have Professor von Pianothump play at your soirees any more? Mrs. Swell —He’s so abominably rude. The last tinfe he played he asked some of the guests to stop talking. He said he didn’t mind whether they heard him or not, but that unless he could hear himself he couldn’t do himself justice.— (Chicago News Record

very likely. “Since Miss Snappim married eld Goldbug she spends fortunes in flowers. In fact, she wears flowers on all occasions.” “Yes, she does, but I guess she would rather wear weeds.” QUITE A DIFFERENCE. Husband—l think I will run over to Chicago for a week during the fair. Wife—Then I think I will go with you. What is fair for one is fair for two. Husband—No, my dear; what is fare for one is far from being fare for two.— [New York Herald. ODDS AND EN D Too many bright young men try to make their conversation spicy with cloves.—[Galveston News. When the hired man comes home loaded the proper thing to do is to discharge him.—[Union County Standard. No changes made in the post-offices will ever make some males more regular than they are now.—[Philadelphia Times. Did the term “woolly West” originate in the unpleasant fact that many an investor has been fleeced there?— [Lowell Courier. People who pay doctors’ bills seldom doubt the physician’s ability to heel himself.—[Troy Press. Whenever.a boy empties his pockets his sister sees something that belongs to her.—[Atchison Globe. It is a sign that the trees have come to stay another season as soon as they begin to leave.—[Rochester Democrat. “Time’s up,” soliloquized Bagley as he came out of the pawnshop where he had just left his watch.—[Lampoon. A Tennessee child talks incessantly. It is thought that he will have a great careSr as a champion pugilist.—[Baltimore American. Somebody says that most of the hand organs are owned by one company and hired out. Another grinding monopoly. —[Philadelphia Times. As severe as rheumatism is, a great many are bent on having it.—[Chicago Inter-Ocean. A firm of plastering contractors in Rhode Island has gone to the wall.— Chicago Tribune. A tack machine ought to put up a strong argument. It makes its points aa easily.—[Troy Press.