Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 21, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 June 1893 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many 044, Carious, ud Uifhiblt Phase! of Homan Mature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists ol Our Ucru Day. Tea-Table Talk. The quinine manufacturer seldom complains of his bitter lot —Buffalo Courier. "When the goat tackled the can of dynamite you ought to have seen the butter fly.—Binghamton Leader. Poet “The manuscript of my poems is illegible; 1 must copy them. ” “What, again?”—Fliegende Blaetter. The Idea that a man in love has a far-away look in his eyes probably originated in crinoline times.—Washington Star. Lawyers get . rich minding other people’s business, but that’s no excuse for ordinary busybodies.—Somerville Journal. No wonder people can't understand finance when it’s alleged the more gold goes abroad the closer it gets.—Philadelphia Times. “There’s wan unjoost thing about ar-rmy pinsions,” said Pat. “Them as lives gets it all and them as dies gits lift.”—Harper’s Magazine. The Western Version.—St. Peter —“Did you try to live up to the golden rule?” Chicago man—“ Yep; I tried to do others before they did me. ” Puck. Aron “Bingley’s wife doesn’t prove to be all that he fancied she was.” Bee—“ Very likely; he got her at a bargain counter.” —Boston Transcript. “I think the point well taken,” raid Nupoppe softly to himself as lie stepped off the inevitable midnight tack without so much as a single . Brown—“ Mrs. J. appears to be Incensed against her laundryman.” Jones—“ Yes; you see he ironed her skirt plain and ruffled her temper.” —Binghamton Leader. Wife—“l have just been to the dentist’9 and had a tooth drawn.” Husband (heaving a sigh)—“Lucky tooth! It is now beyond the reach of your tongue.”—De Sobremesa. “There must be a wonderful amount of electricity in strawberries.” “Nonsense, man; why?” “You try pricing a box and see if you don’t feel shocked. ” —Chicago Inter Ocean.

“Why, what’s the matter with the bey?” “I wuz a seein’ how many animals from my Noah’s ark I could hold in my mout’, an’ I’ve been an' swallered a giraffe an’ a zebra!”— Life. “I shall treat him in the most distant manner,” she said, indignantly. “How will you do it?” asked her brother. “I’ll never speak to him except over the telephone!”—Washington Star. Merchant—“ This style of hat will make your husband’s face look very wide. ” Wife—“ That’s why lam getting it; his face always looks so awfully long after Christmas.”—Chicago Inter Ocean. New Haven would have been without bread for some days past, owing to a strike of her bakers, had not men from other cities been obtained to supply her kneads.—Philadelphia Ledger. At the Theater. —Hicks—“What do you think of Strideabout’9 performance? He tells me he committed his part in half a day.” Wicks —“H’m! Don’t you think be ought to be committed himself?” He —“ Jerusalem! What made you offer prizes? They’ll cost a fortune.” She—“ Pshaw, we don’t have to get any; they were to be given to the woman who didn't ask what’s trumps. ” —Chicago Inter Ocean.

Solicitous Friend—“lf you are determined in your intention to go upon the stage, I hope it is at least with a high aim.” Mrs. De Yoors—“Don’t worry about that. 1 can kick three feet over my head and not half try. ” Miss Fuzzie—“l want to break my engagement with Mr. Sappie, but I don’t know how to do it without driving the poor fellow to suicide.” Little Brother—“ Why don't you let him see you in curl-papers?”—Good News. Doctor—“ Well, my fine little fellow, you have got quite well again! I was sure that the pills I left lor you would cure you. How did you take them, in water or in cake?” “Oh, I used them in my pop-gun.”— Tit-Bits. Teacher What is the golden text? Dick Hicks—ls the servant greater than his master? Teacher— How is the question answered? Dick Hicks raised.—Browning, King & Ca’s Monthly. “Pray,” inquired one minister of another, “seeing so many ladies attend your church, why do you invariably address your congregation as ‘dear brethren?’ ” “Oh, the reason is easily given,” he replied, “the brethren embrace the sisters. ” —TitBits. Storekeeper—You won’t suit me if you’re not married. Young man Why do you prefer your clerks to be married? Storekeeper Because I find the married ones are never in such a rush to close up at night and leave me as the single ones are.— Brooklyn Life. Littve Johnny Mrs. Talkemdown paid a big compliment to me to-day.. Mother—Did she, really? Well, there's no denying that woman has sense. What did she say? Little Johnny—She said she didn’t see how you came to have such a nice little boy as I am. —Good News. The printing-press on which Benjamin Franklin worked as a journeyman printer in 1725 was very little improved until 1817, when George Clymex, of Philadelphia, invented the “Columbian” press. It was the first important improvement. In 1829 Samuel Bust invented the “Washington” press, which superseded others for a while. With that machine a good workman could turn off 2,000 sheets a day. It was a good day’s work when Franklin’s old pres* nave 250 impressions.