Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 June 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. That Little Loan—ln Doubt—Helping Him Out—Up to Date—The Critics, Etc., Etc. . THAT LITTLE LOAN. Hicks—Say, see here, when are you going to pay me that $lO you owe me? Dix —Old man, I forgot all about it. I’ll make a note of it now. Hicks—Better make it a sight draft. — [Somerville (Mass.) Journal. IN DOUBT. “Are you going to see the play tonight?” ‘‘l am going to the theatre, but whether I shall see the play or only an opportunity to study the latest forms of millinery architecture I cannot tell.” HELPING HIM OUT. He tried to kiss the maiden true, For fear that he would fail She did as we had better do— She gently drew the veil. —[Judge. UP TO DATE. First Frenchman—l would challenge you to deadly combat but for one thing. Second Frenchman —What is that? First Frenchman—There is a clause in my insurance policy against duelling. — [New York Herald. THE CRITICS. Enthusiastic Listener (as the amateur pianist concludes) —I tell you, sir, that was a rare musical treat 1 Matter -of - Fact Listener Yes, I thought myself it wasn’t very well done. —[Buffalo Courier. THE WRONG END. Mr. Binks (something of a philoso pher)—lt would be less unpleasant for people to economize if they did not insist on beginning at the wrong end. Mrs. Binks—Of course. There’s Mrs. Winks, for instance. She might have gone without overshoes, and no one would notice it; but, instead of that, she went and bought a cheap bonnet. —[New York Weekly. PROPER PRIDE. He—Wasn’t that the Countess of Mohair that just went by? I thought you told me she was a friend of yours. She—Oh, we meet occasionally, and all that—but I’ve really been obliged to drop Lady Mohair, I'm sorry to say. He—Dear me—really. What for? She—Oh, well—she always deliberately turns her back on me when I try to speak to her, and looks another way when I bow, or else coolly stares me in the face and takes no notice whatever—so now I make a point of cutting her dead.—[Punch. NOT POLITE. He—Truth is stranger than fiction. She (insinuatingly) —lt is to some persons.—[Boston Transcript. IN A PREDICAMENT. Nurse How am I to treat that little tailor who was brought to the hospital to-day ? He’s terribly thin, you know. Physician—Put two mustard plasters on Dim—one on his chest and the other on his back. Nurse—That's all right, but suppose the two plasters come together?—JFliegende Blaetter. A LABOR-SAVING DEVICE. Baroness—Clara, bring me that dozen pocket handkerchiefs in which I told you to mark my monogram. Lady’s Maid —Here they are, my lady. Baroness—But how is this? You haven’t marked all of them with my monogram? Lady’s Maid—lndeed, I have, my lady. I marked one with your mongram, and I marked all the others with the word “Ditto.”

A NEW VIEW. American Actcr—l think these foreign actors should be allowed to come into this country free of duty. Friend—Well, I don’t. A. A.—Well, I do. There is a recent decision that Egyptian mummies can be imported free of duties, and that’s what most of these foreign actors are. Why favor the Egyptians ?—[Texas Siftings. MODUS VIVENDI. “You say you wunst lived off the fat of the land,l’ jeered Walkabout Beggs. “How’d ye eat it?” “Ett it with the forks of the road,” responded Rusty Rufus.—[Chicago Tribune. ONE OF THEM COLD. Little Girl—lt’s all nonsense ’bout ole maids never tellin’ their age. Little Boy—Why? “Queen Elizabeth was an old maid, wasn’t she?” “Yes.” “Well, th’ papers say Professor Dryasdust is goin’ to lecture on ‘T he Age of Elizabeth,’ so there.”—[Good News. FINANCIAL IIEPARTEE. “lam worth twenty of you, ” said the dollar bill to the nickel. “That’s what you say,” replied the nickel, “but I notice that I can buy a a cigar without having to go broke, which is more than you ever do.” —[Indianapolis Journal. A BOND OF SYMPATHY. Bagley—Tall girls are all the rage now. Brace —That may be, but I like short ones better. Bagley—Why so ? Brace—l’m generally short myself.— [New York Herald. A BELIEVER IN MODERATION. Jack Ford —Don’t be so down on your luck, oldman. Remember, “Sweet are the uses of adversity.” Upperson Walker—Oh, it isn’t its uses; it is its abuses I object to I—[Puck. VERY LIKELY. “So she has rejected you?” “Yes.” “What was the matter?” “I don’t know.” “Feel bed?” “I do; she is such girl.” “H’m! If she had less sense you might have got her. ” THE RETROUSSE NOSE. ’Tis by a statistician said— And in statistics truth you find— That girls with turned up noses wed Much sooner than the straight-nosed kind. From this fact the conclusion flows: Though it accords with nature’s plan Sometimes to tilt a maiden’s nose, It isn’t tilted at a man. —[New York Press.

A DANGEROUS RIVAL. “Have you any hopes of winning her ?” “1 had, but I haven’t now. I have a rival.” “Who is he?” “Young Tiltednose.” “Is he socially popular 7* “Socially popular ? Why, man, he’s at the head of our amateur theatrical club.”—[New York Press. WHERE TIIE CHICKEN GOT THE AX. Menagerie Assistant—The big ostrich attempted to swallow a turnip to-day and choked itself. Manager—H’m 1 Got it in the neck. A PHYSIOLOGICAL STUDY. Mrs. Slimdict —I do have such a time getting my boarders up in the morning. ' I’vo tried bell-ringing, gongbanging, door-knocking, and everything. Boarder—That shows that the sense of hearing is not easily aroused in sleeping persons. “ I should say it wasn’t.” “No; there’s no doubt on that subject. Try awakening the sense of smell.” “Smell? But how?” “I think the odor of a broiling porterhouse steak might be effective.”—[New York Weekly. IN THE WRONG CHAIR. Uncle Treetop (on his way to dentist’s office) —Most likely it’ll stop aching by the time I get in the chair. If it, does, I swan I’ll pretend I’ve made a mistake and tell him I want a hair cut. MERCENARY. Teacher—Now, Robbie, you may name the five senses. Robbie—The one cent, the nickel, the ten, the twenty-five, and the fifty cents. —[Chicago Inter-Ocean. DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Poor Man—Well, did you buy that book telling all about how to economize in the kitchen ? Wife—Yes, I’vo got it. Poor man—That’s good. What does it say? Wife—lt’s full of recipes telling how to utilize cold roast turkey—but we haven’tthe turkey.—[New York Weekly* A PHILOSOPHICAL MIND. Little Boy—The hens out West must be awful little.” Mamma—Why so? Little Boy—Uncle John says he’s seen hailstones there as large as hen’s eggs. —[Good News.

AN IRREBTIBLE BAIT. “Gentlemen,” said the Sheriff, putting his head into the jury room, “if there is no chance of your agreeing immediately on a verdict the Judge will step out to lunch.” “Tell his Honor he may go to lunch,” said the foreman. “I was about to add,” continued the Sheriff, “that the circus comes into town at 2 o’clock, and its 20 minutes to 2 now." “H’m!” said the foreman, “tell the Judge to hold on half a minute.”—[New York Press. METHOD IN IT. Jess—l don’t see how you can be suob a goose as to engage yourself to Dickey. Bird. Bess—He has a rich bachelor uncle. Jess—Then why don’t you marry the uncle? Bess —I have to have an introduction first, don’t I? A CURIOUS MARRIAGE. “Curious marriage that yesterday.” “How curious?” “The bride was given away, and the girls are saying the groom threw himself away. ”