Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 18, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 19 May 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JES?S AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. He Wanted to Know—A Victim of Habit—Hard on Rats—lmported Direct—Lucid, Etc., Etc. HE WANTED TO KNOW. “Now, remember,’’ said the school teacher, “a contagious disease is one you can catch.” “Is a spanking a disease?” asked Benny Bloobumper. “No; how ridiculous!” “Well, I often catch one.”—[Truth. A VICTIM OF HABIT. Ellen—Habits are hard things to break. Maud—Yes, indeed, there's Minnie Sereleaf, who formed the habit of being twenty-two some years ago and has never broken it yet.—[Chicago Record. BAUD ON BATS. Stranger—Why don’t you clear the rats out. of your chicken-house? Farmer Easie—They don’t do no harm. Stranger—Don’t they eat eggs? Farmer Easie—They used to, but not now. 1 think these new-fashioned china nest-eggs has sort o’ diso 3 uraged ’em.—■ [New York Weekly.

LUCID. Cholly (who is calling upon one of the Rosebud twins) —Ya’as you are very like each other, but I—aw—think you are pwettier than your sister. “Thauk you. but don’t you think she is pretty, too?” “Ya’as, but that’s because she looks more like you than you look like her.”— [New York Press. imported direct. “These muffins are hard and stale,” growled Mr. Dickens at breakfast. “Well, I can’t help it.” said Mrs. Dickens. “They’re fresh from London.” [V ogue. HARSH. Charlie—l don’t understand why Fortune has never smiled on me. Ethel Knox—She must have overlooked you, elso she had laughed aloud. —[Truth. A CHEAT PRESENT. Uncle Ned—What are you going to give little sister for a birthday present? Oliver —I’m going to ask papa to get her a football, and I’ll show her how to play.—[Harper’s Youug People. AN ABLE REASON. “Why do you ask me for my autograph?” asked the poet, who liked to hear words of prnise. “Because you are the only one who can write it,” said the applicant, meekly.—[Vogue. WHICH ? Prunella—Doesn’t your father think that your fiance is a fortune-hunter? Perdita—Oh, no! Prunella—Then, doesn’t he think he is a fool?—[Truth.

SPRING HAH COME. Once more the gardener turns the soil And soweth germs of fodder, Once more he eyes the lawn and comes A wiser man and sodder. Once more he gathers up the truck That trimmed his last year’s labor, And in the night he chucks it o’er The fenceway of his neighbor. —[Bostofi Courier. beating dame nature. Drummer —It just beats all. I’m traveling for an umbrella house, and every place I’ve struck has been suffering from drought. Inventor —I am traveling with a rainproducing apparatus, and every town I’ve struck Was knee-deep in muu.. Drummer—l say, let’s travel together. —[New York Weekly. PROBABLY. Jess—lii wedding notices why is it that the man’s name is put first? Bess —On the principle that “ the last shall be first,” I suppose.

AN UNNECESSARY WARNING. Bishop Qullera—l trust yov. are aware, Miss Penstock, what a solemn thing an engagement is, and I hops you will never seek to withdraw it. Miss Penstock—You needn't be alarmed, Bishop. Why, Jack is going to give me $2,503 a year for my clothes. A FOOLISH QUESTION. “What would you do, Katie, if I were to kiss you now?” “Oh, kiss me first and then ask the question. The person who asks the question first never kisses the girl afterwards.”—[Fliegende Blaetter. TWO MESSAGES. He wrote and by an Urchin bright He sent the message down: “Come up and see rae, boys, to-night; My wife is out of town.” He wrote again: “Don’t come. 1 fear The game is up—alack, My wife has sent her mother here To stay till she comes back ! ” —I New York Press.

A FREE TRANSLATION. “You saw what a tremendously long name the late Queen of Hawaii had, didn’t you ?’’ “No, but I imagine the translation of it is pretty short.” “What is it?” “Mud!” VERY APPROACHABLE. Tapperton—l am going to ask Mr. Bullion for his daughter’s hand tonight, and I am so nervoua I can’t think. Billington (who knows Mr. Bullion) —No us 3 being nervous. Mr. Bullion is very npp-oachable. “Eh? Won’t he kick me out?" “Not a bit of it.” “Won’t he get mad?” “No, indeed.” “I am overjoyed. Whnt do you think he will do?” “He’ll laugh.”—[New York Weekly. IT TAKES MATERIAL. “Let’s see,” said the lady, “how many yards are there here?” “Fourteen yards, madame,’ v answered the salesman. “Enough for a dress?” “Quite enough.” “Then give me fourteen yards more.” “For another dress?” “No, for the sleeves.”—[New York Pros*. AT THE CIRCUS. Jcdson —I hope the performance won't begin for a good while yet. Nurse—Why, Judson, dear? Judson —Why, because then it will be longer until the show is over.—[Harpers Bazar.

ONLT A QUESTION OP TIKE Miss Pruyn—lt seems to me that the trouble with most married people is that they don't know each other before marriage. Waite—Oh, well; they soon remedy that! LOUDLY. “What do you think of Cholly's new spring suit?” “It speaks for itself.” HE PLEADED GUILTY. A man who was arrested and taken before a rural justice in a state of intoxication pleaded for his release. “ You are a learned (hie) Judge, Your Honor! You stand high in the ranks of the (hie) judiciary. You,know there is no occasion (hie) for my arrest. I dcniaud (hie) my liberty! ” “Lock him up over night,” said the Justice to the constable. The next morning, when the prisoner was brought to the bar, tlu* Justice said: “You wore very complimentary to me last night,” “What did I say, Your Honor?” “You said I was learned in the law and stood high iu the ranks of the judiciary.” “Did I say that?” “You did.” “Then I plead guilty to the charge of drunkenness."—(Pittsburg Chronicle Telegraph.

SHE HAH THE HUUUE ON HIM. “I wonder why Miss Primmalwny sings ‘My Sweetheart’s the Man in the Moon?’ ” “It is because ho can’t come down and deny it.”—[Ohicigo Inter-Ocean. NMII.F. NOTES. The poultry-dresser is a lucky fellow. That is, he always gets the pick of the flock.—[Troy Press. The most upright dealer iu sun umbrellas will occasionally got mixed up in a shady transaction.—[Buffalo Courier. When a child wants a favor from his parents ho asks liis futlier’s permission and teils his mother lie is going to do it. —[Atchison Globe. As to drink, it’s very true that if a man doesn’t want to see himself as others sec him lie shouldn’t look too much in the glass.—[Philadelphia Times. Dora—Don’t you think my gowns fit better than they used to? Cora- Yes. Your dressmaker told me yosterday she was tuking lessons iu geometry.— [Quips. The average balloonist may uot bo more inclined to pay liis debts than liis fellows, but it must be admitted that lie sometimes “comes down” in a hurry.— [Boston Courier.

Walton—ls the fare improving at your boarding place any? Burton—Oh, yes; the butter is considerably stronger than it was last week.—[Chicago InterOcean. Never put off until to-morrow that which you can get somebody else to do for you to-day.--[Troy Proas. The yacht cup is not wholly without a species of saucery.—[Boston Transcript. No, Minerva, tho range of vision is not equlppod with sight drafts —[Elmira Ga/.ette. The man who knew “just how it was going to be” is always a little late getting around, but that is all the better for his prophecy.—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Although the corner grocery isn’t supposed to be stocked with electricity, the corner groccryman is culled upon to charge a good muuy things.—[Buffalo Courier. Tho country minister has uo respect for prize fighters, but he sighs when ho reads of the sums they realize from their pound parties.—[Binghamton Leader.