Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 17, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 12 May 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. AnUnsympathetlp.l uilgo—The Friends —Handy to Have Around—An Appeal to Destiny—Etc., Etc. AN UNSYMPATHETIC JUDGE. Tlicro is man out in one of the Western States who used to be an Alderman. Lately he became a Judge, and after the usual temporary delay took his seat upon the lieneh. One day he had a queer character before him. The man was a drunkard, and his bloated face and ragged clothes excited mingled contempt and compassion. The Judge looked down upon him and heard his case. Then, turning to the Clerk, he said: “Drunk and disorderly; $2 and costs.” The man looked up. “But don’t you know me, Judge? I voted for you when you ran for Aiderman.” The Judge turn eel to the Clerk and smiled. “Habitual; .$5 and costs.”—[Boston Budget. THE FRIENDS. Miss Holdover—You are in trouble, dear. Let me sympathize with you. Miss Jus tout—You can’t possibly, dear. I have had three proposals, and must choose between them.—[Puck. HANDY TO lIAYR AROUND. She—You won't object to having my dear mamma live with us after we are married, will you? He (a young physician)—Not at all. in fact, she’ll iio most welcome. “I’m so glad you feel that way.” “Yes; you see she is always ailing, and l really needsomo one to experiment on.” AN AI’DRAL TO DESTINY. “What has become of that pretty little dog which your wife liked so much and you detested? You certainly did not kill it?” “Certainly not. 1 simply leased a house with a grade crossing on one sido and an electric street railway on the other.”—[Boston Beacon. A I*ooll STUDENT. Little Boy—Phew! It’s awful hot for just spring. 'Little Girl—You ought to be thankful it’s no worse. S’poso we lived in Arkansas; wouldn’t that bo awful?” “Arkansas? Why?” “You better study your g’ography lessons. The g’ography says Arkansas is famous for its hot springs.”—[Good News. SOCIAL PHILOSORHY. “Foster doesn’t seem so anxious to marry Miss Parsons sinoc he inherited a fortune." “Of course not. Why should he? She hasn’t got a cent.”—[New York Herald. WHERE TO IIKOIN. Mrs. Trotubout—l shall be off the greater pact of the day, as I have joined the Society for the Suppression of NerveItacking Noise. Mr. T.—Good idea, my dear. Tako the baby along with you.—[New York Weekly. A VALUABLE accomplishment. • Boy—ls you Professor Knowall, th’ mind-reader? Mind-Reader—Yes, my son. “Say, what’ll you take to teach me?" “Teach you? Jluml What do you want to learn miud-rcuding for?” “So I can begin talkin’ about being tired before mamma starts to tollin’ me to do something. She’s alwuys gettin’ ahead of me.”—[Good News.

A POPULAR DAY. Ot all the days that form the week, There’s no more blithely Ray day, Nor one that I more fondly seek, And welcome moro, than pay day. —[New York Herald. A MODERN PROPOSAL. He (desperately)—Will you marry mo? She (alarmed) —Do you mean to shoot me if I refuse? He —No, I mean to shake you. She —Oh! then I accept you.—[New York Press. OF A SANGUINE DISPOSITION. “ You haven’t repaid the $lO I lent you a month ago. You promised to repay it last week." •‘ I would have repaid you if I hail had the money.” “Had you any expectation of being able to repay me when you asked for the loan ?” “ Certainly.’’ “That is to say you had provided for its repayment ? ” “Well, not exactly, but bless you, I’m one of the most sanguine fellows in the world.”—[New York Press. AS A GENERAL THING. “Give an instance of the crime called man-slaughter.” said the teacher. None of the pupils ventured a response. “If I should point a pistol carelessly or in sport at a lellow-being and itslioukl go off and kill him,” suggested the teacher, ‘‘it would be—what ?" “ Didn’t-know -it - was - loaded! ” answered the class with one voice.—[Chicago Tribune.

M3DER.Y ARCHITECTURE. Visitor —What is that heavy, gloomy looking building over there. Resident —That is a theatre and pleasure resort. Visitor— And what is that graceful, airy, Gothic structuie to the right? Resident —That is the jail.—[Chicago Record. SYMPTOMS OK I.OVK. Young Wife—Arthur, you don’t love me as you did formerly. Husband—What makes you think so? Young Wise —Because formerly, whenever we quarrelled you used to say, “Now I’ll puuish you by giving you a hundred kisses,” whereas now you say, “I punish you by not giving you a sing[e kiss.” —[Fliegende Blaetter. qi'IKT KCRNISIIINGB. Mrs. Minks (proudly showing her new home) —The furnishings you see arc not at all ostentatious. They are very quiet. Mrs. Winks (enviously)—Yes, I notice you have no piano.—[New York Weekly. PROOF. He—l saw you on the avenue with Cholly the other day. She (Indignantly)—You did nothing of the kind. I don’t even know him. He —Pardon me, but I saw you both. He we* just about a block behind you.— (New York Herald.

EXPLAINED AT LAST. Mr. Fewmanners —How is it you are so bald and yet so young. Mr. Shiueypato —I’m not sure, but I think my hair falling out had something to do with it. —[Texus Siftings. TOO MODEST. She (angrily)—Do you call yourself a gentleman? He (not sober) —Excuse me, I’m no egotist.—| Chicago Free Press. AN ACADEMIC UPHEAVAL. Young Collegiau —If only people knew as much as they think they know— Vnasar Graduate (wickedly)—Why, then the undergraduates would be delivering lectures to the professors. A REASONABLE DOUBT. “Ah, Cholly, I shall come out in a spring suit nex t week. ” “So? Chec *, I suppose?” “Oh, yes." “Bank checks or pawn ohecks?”— [Chicago Record. NO DOUBT AnoUT IIEH CAPABILITY. Mrs. Newwife—Did you go to the intelligence office about that new girl, Jack ? Jack—Yes. Mrs. N.—Did tlioy say she was callable ? Jack—Yes, capable of anything.— [Boston Budgot. AMONG FRIENDS. Primus—When I said “it takes throo generations to make a gentleman ” did that young Dingley think I was hitting at him ? Secumlus Oh, no. He said ho thought you wore dreaming of the day when you might have a great grandson.- | Vogue. ODDS AND ENDS. Aunt—Karl, you never come to see me except when you want money. Karl —But, my dear auntie, could 1 come oftener than I do?—[Fliegendo Blatter. Nervous Employer —I don’t pay you for whistling. Offlco boy—That’s all right. I can’t whistle well enough to charge extra for it yet.—[Street and Smith’s Good News.

Percy—l don’t like this tasteless medicine in water. Mamma—Why don’t you like it, Percy, dear? Percy— Because it is so nice that I can’t have a lump of sugar after it.—[Harper’s Young People. Little Beth (in the country)—Grundpnpa, you must have to keep an awful lot of policemen out here. Grandpapa —Why, Beth ? Beth—Oh, there’s such u lot of gni3B to keep off of.— [Chicago Inter-Ocean, Aunt Priscilla—Elizabeth, Elizabeth; wasting your time over silly poetry again, 1 see. Bessy—But, aunt, dear, this is pastoral poetry. Aunt Priscilla (softening)—Ah! What is the pastor's name, dear ?—[Puok. Said ono: “The greatest misfortune that can happen to an actor is to lose his voice.” To which an actor replied: “No, sir; our greatest misfortune comes in when wo have to play the part of a kingor an emperor on the stage, and go to bed without supper.”— [La Morgherita. Medicine Vender (at Mrs. Waybnck’s door) —I am introducing I)r. Ouroton’s spocilics for aches and diseases of every nature. Only 80*cents a bottle. Try one, madam? Mrs. Waybaek I don’t hov no faith in yer new fungled remedies. I’ve done buried three men and thirteen childers in my time, an’ the’r good old yarbs air plenty good enough for mo.—[Brooklyn When people long for a “congenial soul” they tneuu that they want some one who gives them the impression that they are pretty smart. —[Atchison Globe. Spudkins, who had been refused by eleven girls, says he thinks of becoming a photographer because he is so successful in producing negatives.—[Philadelphia Record.