Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 15, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 28 April 1893 — THE JOKERS' BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS' BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY 3IKN OF THE I’KESS. Defined—Cause for Grief—Not So Very Old-A Weuk Spot—Very Likely, Etc., Etc. DEFINED. “Pupa, what is a reception?" “A reception, my son. is a social function where you have a chance to speak to every one but yotir hostess.” CAUSE FOB GRIEF. “My good man,” inquired the tenderhearted old lady, “are you in any trouble? Why do you stand there wringing your hands?” “'Cause,” replied the tramp, “I jest washed ’em.” NOT SO VERY ODD. Airs. B.—How do you feel to-day Captain? Quite well, I hope. Captain—Oh, yes. I am troubled somewhat with asthma, and now and then I really fear I am growing old. Mrs. B.—How old are you? Captain.—Only cighty-two. —[Fliegende Blaetter. NOT TOO HIGH. Von lilumer— How much is this apartment on the ground floor? Agent—Fifty-five dollars a month. Von And the one above it? Agent—Fifty dollars a month. Von Blumer—llow many stories lias this building? Agent—Eleven. Von Blumer—Then I’ll engage the roof for next summer.—[Judge. VERY LIKELY. “The inventor of the alphabet must have been a modest man,” said Hawkins. “Why so?” asked Mawson. “Because he began it with A,” said Hawkins. “Most men would have begun it with I.”—[Harper’s Bazar. FINDING OUT Dawson (to stranger at Mrs. De Noo’s reception)—Who is this Airs. De Noo, anyhow? Stranger—She is Air. De Noo’s wife. Dawson—An 1 who on earth is De Noo? Stranger—l.—[Truth.

_ MEANT SOMETHING ELSE. Jcunc Premier (at the amateur theatricals)—l sav, old man, have you got the stage fright? Heavy Villain—No; I think she’s in her dressing-room. —[Truth. EXPERIENCES. Van Daub —Were you ever done in oil, Air. Broker? Mr. Broker—No; but I had three ribs broken in a wheat panic.—[Truth. NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN. Dennis—l see dey playd base bawl in de time of ancient Rome. Alike—How so ? Dennis—l wuz down at a book stan’ yisterday, an I see a book called de “Rise and Fall ov de Roamin’ Umpire.”—[Kate Field’s Washington. HE HAD TO. “Do you love your teacher?” “ I suppose I have to.” “Why so, Tommy?” “ Because the Bible says we must love our enemies.”—[Texas Siftings. A WORD OF TWO MEANINGS. “Acliou,” in monkey language, means warmth and comfort, according to Prof. Garner. “Aehou,” when uttered by §oor humanity, generally means cold, iscomfort, and a sneeze.—[Boston Globe. GREAT HUNTING. “Is Cliolly fond of hunting?” “No, people arc fond of hunting Cholly; he has been up in supplementary proceedings a dozen times!”—[Rider and Driver. APPRECIATION. Bulldog- That fellow was quite a dandy. Mastiff—lndeed ? Bulldog (licking his chops)—Yes ; he wore a very tasty suit of clothes.— [Truth. A BETTER REASON. Hobbs—l)o you believe Gallup burned his house to get the insurance money? Dobbs—No; I visited him at the jail, and he confessed to me that he did it to get rid of the box of cigars his wife iiought him for his birthday.— [Life. POPULAR SCIENCE. He (of Boston) —Professor Skihigh is going to lecture on sun spots. She (of Chicago)—Well, if I thought he could tell of a real sure cure for them I would go to hear him—l freckle so easily.—[Life. A CANDID CRITIC. Author—Well, what do you think of my new drama? Friendly Critic —Splendid! The villain in particular is admirably portrayed. The very words he utters are stolen. —[Life.-

CORRECT DIAGNOSIS. Shrewd Doctor—l see what’s the matter. It’s mental strain—too much worry. Busiuess Man—What do you advise? “Change of scene.” “Where to?” “Oh, almost any country where there is no extradition treaty.”—rNew York Weekly. CHANGED nSR MIND. The Shopping Woman —llow much is this silk a yard? Clerk—Six fifty, madam. The Shopping Woman—Then let me have a package of hair pins. [Chicago News. SHOULD MEND HIS WAYS. James (piously)—What is the gate to heaven? • James’ Father—Well, it’s not the gait you’ve been going at recently.—[Texas Siftings. HE DIDN’T COMPLAIN. Young Wife—This talk about men being so impatient when a woman is getting ready to go anywhere is all nonsense. Friend—Doesn’t your husband complain at all? Young Wife-—No, indeed. Why, last evening I couldn’t find my gloves, and had a long hunt for half a dozen other things; and yet, when I was finally dressed, and went down stairs to my husband, there he was by the fire, reading and smoking as calmly as if I wasn’t half an hour late. Friend—Well, I declare! Where were you going? Young Wife—To prayer meeting.— [New York Weekly.

A WEAK SPOT. Mrs. Gazzmn (reading)—Miss Parker, of New Mexico, runs a telegraph office, two express companies, a railroad office, a ranch, and keeps house. Now, Mr. Gazzam, what do you think of that? Mr. Gazzam—l’ll bet a dollar she has to ask some one else if her hat is on straight.—[New York Sun. DAYS OF BECKONING. Wile—When we go anywhere now we have to walk. Before marriage you always called a carriage. Husband—That’s why we have to walk now.—[New York Weeklj. A LOGICAL SMALL BOY. “You aren’t behaving verv well, Tommy,” said grandpa. “Do you know what 1 would do if I w<src a little bov like you?” “Yeth, grandpa,” said Tommy, “you’d do the tharae ath I do, cauthc if you didn’t you wouldn’t be a little boy like me.”—[Harper’s Bazar. . TWO RET TER THAN OX'S. Teacher—We must have been taught to forgive those who despitefully use us, but when Johnny Muggs hit you, what did you do? Boy—l—l hit him back; but that was only s > he'd have something to forgive, too.—[Good News. KEEPING THEM DOWN. Rich Youth —I should not object to the work of earning my own liviug if I had to. but what I should hate would be the olfieiousness and petty tyranny of superiors. I should hate to have to bow I to the whims of some wealthy man not a bit better than myself. Poor Youth—That’s easily avoided. Be a typewriter, like I am. Employees i never put on airs over me. I know how to take the starch out of ’em. “Eh ? What do you do ? ” 1 “ Ask ’em how to spell a hard word now and then.”—[Good News. AN INSINUATION. “You say your daughter plays by ear?” said the minister. •'Yes,” replied the mother proudly. “Excuse me but —er— is your daughter at all hard of hearing?”— [Washington Star. GREAT EXPECTATIONS. Dora—ls that new waist you are havi ing made a creation of your own? Cora—Yes. I am going to call it the uew navy design. Dora—What for? Cora—Because I expect to be so well armed.—(Cloak Review. SIMPLICITY. “I don't like your milk,”said the mistress of the house. “What’s wrong with it, Mum?” “It s dreadfully thin and there’s no cream on it.” “Arftcr you’ve lived in the city a while, Mum,” said the milkman encour.aginglv, “you’ll git over them rooral idees o’ yourn.”—[Chicago Tribune. THE PRIMITIVE WHISTLE. “Papa,” said Walter, “I wish you’d buy me a whistle like Georgie’s.” "What kind is that, Walter?” “It’s one with nothing to it but whistle. Ho makes an Oof his mouth und blows the whistle through it.” —[Harper’s Bazar.