Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 14, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 21 April 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. She was Crushed.—'Thrilling Adventure.—Wise Willie.—She Knew by Experience, Etc., Etc. SHE WAS CRUSHED. “Well,” said the intelligence man. as a haughty waitress invaded his office, “what brought you back s'soon? Weren’t the boarders high-toned enough?” “Boarders are all right—it’s the missus. Why, she actilly ordered me to take off my jewelry afore I went into the diningroom.” “Well, did you?” “Not much, I didn’t. The idee! All the jewelry I had on was a watch and chain, an’ a few stick-pins, an’ my earrings, an’ gold glasses, an’ the ornyments in iny hair, an’ four engagement rings, an’ a pair of gold bracelets, an’ one brestpin. S’pose I’d been rigged out with jewelry like some of the boarders! Sakes alive 1 I’m just crushed!”—[Detroit Free Press. THRILLING ADVENTURE. “When I was out in Coloraydo,” said the man with the ginger beard, “me and another feller was chased by Injuns fer fourteen mile through athicket one night. It was mighty lucky fer us that there was a thicket, too. The woods and bresh was so thick that they couldn’t get no chanoc to shoot at us. But there we went, liokety-hrindle, on a dead run, and the night a 3 dark as a stack o’ black cats.” “But how could you run through a thicket at full speed if the night was so dark?” The man with the ginger beard was not to be caught by any such question as that. He smiled at his interrogator in a pitying way, and explained: “How could we? How could we, eh? W’y, I thought ev’ybody knowed that the air was so clear out in that country that a man can seeonadaik night jis as well as he can in the day time.”—[lndianapolis Journal. AN ECONOMICAL MEASURE. Hare—Why are you letting your beard grow, Brush? Brush—For two reasons. First, because I can’t afford to spend the money necessary for shaves; and, second, because I can’t afford to lose the blood spiilcd in shaving myself.—[Truth. PERSPICACITY. Physicus—l see the physicians are encouraging football as one of the healthiest of games. Dizzicus—Yes. They’d countenance the handling of cholera germs as a beneficial pastime, if it were possible.—[Puck. WISE WILLIE. “Willie! -Willie!" said the boy’s mother. “What are you crying for!” “N-nothin’,’’ sobbed Willie. “The idea of a boy like you crying for nothing!” “W-well, it’s nicer th-than cryin’ for something, ’cause w-when you cry for something y-you don’t always get it, but w-when you cry for n-nothin’ you d-do get it.”—[Harper’s Bazar. SHE KNEW BY EXPERIENCE. “My dear, look down below,” said Mr. Grandiose, as he stood on the bridge with his wife, and gazed at a tug hauling a long line of barges. “Such is life; the tug is like the man, working and toiling, while the barges, like women, are —’’ “I know," interrupted Mrs. G., acridly, “the tug does all the blowing, and the barges bear all the burden.”—[London Tit-Bits. lIE KNEW. “Women have no minds,” said lordly Jack, “Whatever the world may say;” “I am sure they have,” growled Arthur back, “And they change them every day.” SIIE CAME NOT. Her fairy-like fingers swept over the keyboard— Her fingers so shapely and slender—- , “Oh, mother, come back to me!” softly she sang, Iu a voice, Oh, so soulful and tender! In vain from her lips came the yearning refrain, In vain were a daughter’s fond wishes, For her good old mother was out in the scullery Washing the supper dishes. —[Chicago Tribune. WASTED SYMPATHY. Aunt Sarah (during her first visit to a fiat)—Mercy! Who’s that poor fellow the janitor's throwing downstairs ? Hall boy (carelessly)—Oh, that’s on’y one o’ th’ tenants, ma'am.—[New York Truth. A PECULIAR FAMILY. “That office boy of yours seems to be quite smart and intelligent.” “Yes; and he comes of a very peculiar family.” “Indeed?” “Yes. There is never any sickness in it during the winter. His uncles, aunts, grandfathers and grandmothers all die in fine weather. In short, during the base ball season.”—[New York Press. GREATE9T OF HIS SET. “Wheah is Chollie? I have not met the deah boy saw a week.” “He went to Lunnon to get his haih cut.”—[lndianapolis Journal. PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH HIM. “I thought you said this was a fast boat.” “She was when I sold her to you.” “ How do you make that out?” “Fast to the wharf.”—[New York Press. A CLEAR CASE. Solo I shall sue this paper for libel. It calls me a liar, a beat, and a horse thief. Bolus—You are sure to recover. You know the great principle in law, the greater the truth the greater the libel.— [Truth. lIIS STRONG PERSONALITY. Willy—Why, Cholly, you heah? 1 thought I passed you on the street just now. Cholly—Not out for an houah, deah boy. Willy—Well, it must have been some otliah fellau, with a dawg and cane just like yours.—[Brooklyn Life. THE GENUINE ARTICLE. Old Lady—ls this a genuine alligator bag? Dealer—Yes, ma’am. I shot that alligator myself. Old Lady—lt looks rather shop-worn. Dealer—That’s where he hit the ground when he tumbled off the tree, ma'am.— New York Weekly.

ONLY ONE WAY. Mr. Micawber —I wish I knew sorn« nice easy way to make money. Mrs. Micawber—Well, my dear, you might get your life insured, and then die. DAYS OF RECKONING. Wife—When we go anywhere now we have to walk. Before marriage you always called a carriage. Husband—That’s why we have to walk now. REASON FOR GRIEF. Old Gentleman—What’s the matter? Little Boy (crying)—Papa gave me a penny to buy a school pencil, and now—boo, hoo, hoo! Old Gentleman—Well, here’s another one. How did you happen to lose it? Small Boy—l—l didn’t lose it; I —l spent it for candy and—and lost the candy.—[Good News. A GREAT BTATE. Mr. Gotham—California is a great State, I hear. Mr. Oakland —Great! It’s immense. Everything grows like mad. I can remember when the first grapes were planted, when the first fruit trees blossomed, and the first market garden was started. Now look at us! We could supply the world! Why, sir, if you plant one grain of corn this year, you’ll need a whole factory to make agricultural machinery for you next year. Mr. Gotham—You don’t say. I have been told, too, that California has five natural bridges; Mr. Oakland—Yes, that’s so, and it isn’t two years since we planted the first one.—[New York Weekly.

CONSULTING niS TASTK9. Little Boy—Do you like to go boating in the summer? Grandpa (anxious to inculcate caution) —N-o, my son, I’m afraid I'd get drowned. Little boy—Do you like to go skating in the winter? Grandpa—No—l’m afraid I might fall and hurt myself. Littld Boy (after some thought)—Do you like to turn somersets on a feather bed?—[Good News. A PERPLEXING SITUATION. Clerk—Madam, this letter is over weight. CoraSpondence—Why, how is that? Postal Clerk—You have put two Columbian stamps on it.—[Puck. equal to the occasion. She —I>o you think it possible for a man to love two women at once? He—Ye9, fifty at once, if they were all like you.—[New York Press. APPROPRIATE MOURNING. Mrs. Newbridjs— Why! You are in second mourning, and your husband has not been <lead a week 1 Mrs. Weed —But he was my second husband, you know! —[Puck. A MARKET SCENE. Fish Dealer—Can I sell you a nice green turtle to-day, ma’am? Mrs. Newbride—No; if you have any ripe ones I’ll take a couple. ANOTHER WANT SUPPLIED. Mr. Gotham—What’s that? Went over to Europe and made a fortune in one year? Mr. Getthere—Yep. “My goodness! What line?” “Hammers and chisels.” “Of all things! Who bought them?” “American tourists.”—[New .York Weekly.