Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 12, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 April 1893 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIEB TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OP THE PRESS. ■My 044. Cnriou, *ad Laofhabl* PbatM of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Art Uta of Our Own I>ay. L«t Us Laugh. If the ballet dancer didn’t kick for her salary she wouldn’t get a cent.— Troy Press. It’s odd that when we want a watch to run we have to set it,— Yonkers Gazette. Any euchre-player knows that hearts beat quicker when they are trumps.—Troy Press. The candidate who shakes hands is not necessarily in touch with the * people.—Galveston News.

A Germantown poet is writing a poem entitled “The Lay of the Easter Egg.”—Philadelphia Record. Too many men try to pull themselves out of trouble with a corkscrew.—Philadelphia Record. A bald-headed man’s powers of reflection are greatly increased under an electric light.—Boston Transcript. While some things find it difficult to get along, the measuring stick does pretty well, as a rule.—'Troy Times. Hot Head —Then I’m a liar? Cool Head—On the contrary, my dear fellow, you have just spoken the truth.—Cincinnati Times. “How is your little brother? Likely to get better? “Oh! yes; he got his first thrashing to-day since his illness.” —Deutscher Reichsbote. The donkey is generally regarded as the most stupid of animals, which is odd in view of the fact that it has the most brayin’ power. —Philadelphia Record. Jennie Premier (at the amateur theatricals) —I say, old man, have you got the stage fright? Heavy Villain —No, I think she’s in her dressingroom.—Truth. Influence will make itself felt in politics. Even the humble lettercarrier when he comes to the door shows what it is to have a pull.— Philadelphia Times. “Say, Chimmy,” said one messenger boy to another, “if there’s anything I hates its a crowd.” “Why?” “Cos yer got ter hurry er git walked over.” —Washington Star. A Maine man will send to Chicago a fir spar sixty feet in length and without a bend or crook in it. It would make a flr straight flag staff. — Philadelphia Ledger. Says a fashion note: “The return of the shawl is prophesied.” And now will somebody be sufficiently brave to predict the return of the umbrella?—Boston Transcript. First Child —What’s the matter with Nellie Newcomb? Second Child—She’s got the chicken-pox. First Child—l guess she can’t have it very bad. She lives in a boardinghouse. It is.a little discouraging to a man to carry a yowling, squalling,baby around for half a night, then sit down and reflect that “of such is the kingdom of heaven.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. “And now, my dear children,” said the professor, “will you tell me what velocity is?” “Please sir,” said a bright youth, “velocity is what my father puts a hot potato down with. ” —Quips. Lady of the House —“As I wish to make the tea agreeable, will vou gentlemen please say with or without cherry brandy. Well, Mr. Forester?” Mr. Forester—“lf you please, I should like mine without tea.”—Bar.

Mrs. Stacksley “Ain’t you ashamed to talk like that to me, John? Why, before we were married you used to say I was an angel!” Mr. Stacksley—“See hero, Mary, it isn’t fair to twit a man about the lies he told ten years ago.”—Quips. Queen Victoria was so charmed by a piece of music recently played in nublic by the band at Osborne that she sent an attendant to learn the name of it. He returned with the information that it was entitled “Come Where the Booze Is Cheaper. ” Miss Poe tique—“How dreamily delightful is the soothing sound of old ocean’s waves rolling up in the moonlight upon the silver sands!” Miss Practicale—“Yes, I always did like to hear the water sloshing ’round upon the beach. ” —Somerville Journal. At a Swiss Hotel. —Landlord— “Go and wake the gentleman' at No. 7.” Boots—“ But he told me to waken him in a couple o f hours.” Landlord—“ Nonsense! Wake him now. He neither eats nor drinks anything so long as he is asleep.”— Dorfbarbier. . Little Dot —Grown folks don’t care anything for circuses. Little Dick—Yes, they do. Little Dot —No, they don’t. They only goes so as to take the childrens. Little Dick—yes, that’s what they say; but they never takes any books along to read. —Good News. First Artist —“ Well, old man, how's business?” Second Artist—“Oh, splendid! Got a commission this morning from a millionaire. Wants his children painted very badly.” -First Artist (pleasantly)— “Well, my boy, you’re the very man for the job. ” —Life. Dusty Bhodes —This paper says surgeons cut open an elephant’s stomach and took out a cable chain weighing ninety pounds. Fitz William—How do they account for its being there? Dusty Bhodes—The supposition is that he swallowed it while eating in the dark, when the chain was young and very small.—New York Times.