Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 8, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 March 1893 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD. BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. M*ay 044, Curious, and blSfh|blt Phases of Homan Katun Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artists -of Our Own Day. Sprinkles of Spice. The condition of the sponge crop Is of absorbing Interest.—Troy Press. The poker-player does not use visiting cards when he is calling.—Picayune. Nails should be sold at auction. They go well under tbe hammer.— Picayune. The winter girl has one satisfaction—lt’s chappy weather. —Philadelphia Record. Sometimes a man is so deep that he is absolutely without foundation. —Galveston News. Geologists say the cradle of the deep has nothing to do with making the bed rock.—Texas Siftings. You realize that silence is golden when you cofhe to settle for a case of Mumm.— Binghamton Leader. Illustrious ancestry Is a glorious thing to have, but it won’t be taken as security for a hot stew. —Chester (Pa.) News. One is sometimes surprised at having bought goods so cheap—until after the peddler is gone.—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Thompson —“ Suppose a man should call you a liar, what would you do?” Jones (hesitatingly) “What sized man?”—Tid-Bits. The worst about the average crank is that while he inevitably turns up he objects to being turned down.— Philadelphia Times. Bessie— He was very impudent. He put his arm aroffnd me twice. Jessie—Humph! He must have had a very long arm.—Puck. A man never realizes how much furniture be owns until he tries to walk rapidly through the house in the dark.—Etoile Beige.

Mr. Younghusband— “Darling, you have been weeping. What is it my sweetest love?” Mrs. Younghusband —“Horeseradish!”—Tid-Bits. Stranger (to Pat, drinking apollinaris) —“How does It taste, Pat?” Pat—“ Faith, it tastes like as if my fut was asleep."—Harvard Lampoon. “Young Nuwed is having a hard time In bis venture into matrimony." “How is that?” “Neither his wife nor his servant girl know how to cook.”—New York Press. He— Do you Jove me, darling? She—Sometimes I think I do, and them again, when you have on that hideous baggy new overcoat, I doubt the strength of my affection.—TidBits. Little Johnny— May I hitch the dog to my sled and have him pull me? Mother —I’m afraid he will bite you, Little Johnny—lt’s the other end I’m going to hitch.—Good News. A Gentle Hint.— Mr. Short—Ehi Beg pardon, Miss Wosalie, but—eh—isn’t that mistletoe that you have in your hair? Miss Rosalie—Yes, " Mr. Short, it is.. What of it?*-Harper’s Bazar. “Why did you arrest this man?” asked the judge, sternly. “For practice/’returned the policeman. “I’m new on the force, and I wanted to learn, how, your honor.”—Harper’s Bazar. Gent— l should like to have my photo taken, but I want it to be nice-looking. Photographer—Never fear, sir, it shall be so handsome that you won’t know it yourself.—Der Sehalk. * First Clothier— Your’re a fool to call that suit the Rip Van Winkle. Second Clothier—What would you call it? First Clothier—The never Rip Yam Winkle, man! —The Clothiers’ Weekly. Miss Porter —Did ypu notice the blank look of that gentleman who sat down on his silk hat? Mr. Murray—No; but I’m glad you didn’t hear the blank words he used.— Princeton Tiger. A Chance to Rise. —Butcher—l need a boy about your size and will give you *3 a week. Applicant— Will I have a chance to rise? “Yes; I want you to' be here at 4 o’clock every morning.”—Life. Mbs* Timothy Seed —“ Where’s Lizzie?” Miss Gaskett—“l just left her in the arms of Morpheus.” Mrs. Tlmfothy Seed (scandalized)—What! And she engaged to Joe Pender! Show me where she is this minute.”

Domestic Peace Assured. —Wife —“And so you got your life insured for my benefit! That’s lovely!” Husband —“Yes, my dear; but, just remember, if you drive me to suicide you won’t get a cent.” —New York Weekly. Mrs. Hicks —Why, Mrs. Dix, how pale you lcok. Mrs. Dix —Yes; I’ve -been having lots of trouble lately [with a boil. Mrs. Hicks—l’m so !sorry. Was it on your neck? Mrs. DiX —No; It was on my husband.— Somerville Journal. Salesman, (great store) —This coat fits your little girl nicely. Lady (thinking of next season) —Yes, it does now, but I think we’d better take a size larger. Little Girl—-Oh, yes, I forgot. We have to wait fjr our change. —Good ne we. “I don’t know what has come over our son since he went to work in a shoe store,” said Mrs. Blaggins. “He was looking at the calendar, and he spoke of the figure 6 as 3, and 4 as 2. His mind musu be going wrong.” “Oh,” replied her busbaDd, “thaVs all right. They have put him to work .selling shoes to the lady customers."—Washington Star.