Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 7, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 March 1893 — THE JOKERS’ BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKERS’ BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. The Dry Side—Very Suspicious—Pretty Near—Her Swear Word, Etc., Etc. THE DRY SIDE. “llow old are yon, Miss Blusox?” piped Georgie, during a lull in the conversation. “W-wliy?” stammered Miss Blusox. “I’m on the sunuy side of 80, Georgie.” “Is that why you look so dried up. Miss Blusox?’’ queried Georgie, interestedly.—[Truth. VERY SUSPICIOUS. Paul Ivnight—lf you don't stop investigating my conduct you may get iuto trouble. Mrs. Knight—llowi Paul Knight—You will be arrested as a suspicious character. —[Puck. PRETTY NEAR. Fogg—My wife is really getting complimentary. Brown—Ah! how’s that? Fogg—Why, she came mighty near speaking of tny raven locks. Brown—How near, for instance? Fogg—Why, she said my head looked like a crow’s nest.—[Boston Transcript.

HER SWEAR WORD. “George!” said Maud. “I am William,” said William, ste»nly. “Oh, I know that. Willie,” returned Maud. “I hurt my Anger, and that was my little swear word.’’—[Harper’s Bazar. A GOOD REASON. Blando (sittiug in his comfortable apartment)—How I pity the poor such a night as this I Bluff—Then why don’t you put on your coat and go out and see if you cannot render assistance to some of them? Blande—Ah! then I sdouldn’t bo so comfortable as I am now, and might forget the poor and begin to pity myself. That would be sottish, you know. —[Boston Transcript. so SWEET. Clarissa—And you say that old Jones told you he loved you? Ethel—He said he doted on mo. Clarissa—Oh, yes, it is plain to be seen he has reached his dotage. NO ONE ELSE HAD ANY BHOW. Brobsou—Who was the greatest showman—Barnum? Craik—Oh, no; Noah. You see, when he got his menagerie together he was the only man on earth who hud any show at all.—[Life. 1 TIME AND MONEY. A couple of bachelors were talking about their forlorn and undouble condition. “Well,-” said one, “I should have married long ago, but I haven’t had time enough to think about it.’’ “ Time?” echoed the other, “Time? Well, if tho adage is true that time is money, then I haven’t had time enough, either,” and they went on their lonely ways dejected and sad.—[Detroit Free Press. WHY THE COOK LEFT. You ask me why I left therfe? It really made mo grieve; But master and missus quarreled so much That at last I had to leave. Their langwidgc it was dreadful, And awfully they looked. You ask me what they quarreled about) ’ Twas the way the moals wap cooked. TYPICAL FIRE ESCAPES. Guest—What precautions have you here in case of fire? Hotel Clerk—We have fire escapes from every floor. All you have to do is to make youiv way to one of them and fall off.—[New York Weekly.

SMART AH HIB PATIENT. Old Doctor—You look quite well today. Did you take the pills I left for you? Young Knowitali (emphaticall)—Not one of ’em. Old Doctor—Well, it doesn't matter. They were made of bread. A GREEN FOREIGNER. First Boy—The paper says that when some train-robbers started to rob the passengers out West, a man jumped up an’ knocked ’em down, an’ kicked ’em out. Second Boy—Guess he must a-bcen some immigrant wot hadn’t been livin’ in a free country long enough to get scared.—[Good News. THE FORTUNE TEI.T.ER OUT. “And she is going to marry an English lord ?” “She is?” “Well, I’ll never believe in a fortune teller again.” “Why not?” “because one told her fortune and said she was going to have a happy future.’’—[New York Press. WHY HE WEPT. Johnny’s mother found him weeping bitterly. Something serious must have happened. “Why, Johnny, my dear, what is the matter?” “800-hoo! Grandpa just fell down on the wc-wet walk and got his olothes all mud.” “But don’t cry, Johnny. lam glad to find you so kind-hearted and sympathetic.” “Ye-ye-yes, and sister saw him, and I —ldidn’t.”—[ Truth. BOUND TO SELT, THEM. Crusty Customer—You say those glasses are three time as valuable as I wear. I can’t see it. Bright Salesman —Certainly not, with those imperfect old glasses.—[Jewellers’ Weekly, I.IKKD OYSTERS. Little Son—Mamma, do you like pearls? Mamma—lndeed, I do. Little Son—Well, you give me some moLey to go to a restaurant an’ get a oyster stew, an’ mebby I’ll find a nice pearl for you. THEY CRY IN TRAGEDY. Friend—Did you ever shed real tears on the stage? Actress—Often. It’s enough to make even an actress cry to be told, right ib the middle of a five-act tragedy, that the manager has skipped with the gate receipts. LOUD. “How does he dress?” “His clothing speaks for itself’. CANDID. “Chappie isn’t afraid to tell the truth about himself.” “Nor “No. The other day he said be had half a mind to take French lessons I New York Press.

better than nothing. Servant—Please, sir, the coal is all out. Mr. here’s u big pile of dunning letters for that last ton. Burn them.—[New York Weekly. * TWO WOULD BE A CROWD. It all happened in one of ocean’s caves, where the star fishes love to linger and sea weeds cling affectionately to the insensible rock. • v An oyster rushed wildly into the humble home his industry and frugality had piovided. He was very much agitated. “Oyster alive,” she gasped, "what has happened?” “My darling,” ha impressively exclaimed, “good-by!” She sank iuto a'seat with a low moan. A terrible fear guawed at her breast. “Are you called to the upper world?” Her voice died on her lip. She read in his face that her worst fears were confirmed. “Merciful heaven!” Burrying her face in her hands sho wept copiously. Hastily gathering together a change of underclothing, the oyster stood at the door and cast about him one last glnnce at the beloved place he would see no more. Suddenly his wife sprang to her feet. “My lifel” sho criod, “1 will go with you 1" Ho shook his head. “No,” he groaned, “I must go nlono. I am wantod for a church sociable.” Dashing a tear from his eye he kissed her cheek and was gone.—[Detroit Tribune. THE LANGUAGE OF PRESENTS. George—What’s wrong? Jack—l can’t make out what Miss Pinkie’s litttlo present to me moans. George—ls it’s useful, it means that sho is interested in your comfort, and would probably say “yes.” If it’s only ornamental, it means that the present is sent merely ns a little token to a friend. Jack—Tlie one she sent mo is both useful and ornamental. It is a handsomely decorated individual saltcellar. George—That menus that sho considers you both useful and ornamental, but a little too fresh. —[New York Weekly.

BEEN AT A GLANCE. Yellowly—l got this suit cheap. It is a misfit. llrownloy (with emphasis)—lt is easy to see that. ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. Jack —Would you elope with anybody? Rosalie (coyly)—No, not with anybody, but I might with somebody.— [Truth. MERE MATTER OF TIME. Mrs. Biuks—How does it happen that Mrs. Nexdoor can afford to dress better than I can 1 Mr. Binks—They haven’t been married long, and I presume lie isn’t quite broke yet. REAL BLISS. First Little Girl--Oh, I’yo got just the loveliest doll you ever saw, an’ I’m so happy with it I don’t know what to do. Second Little Girl—ls it big? First Little Girl—Big? It’s so big it mos’ breaks my heart to carry it.—[Good News.