Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 February 1893 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Manx Odd. Curious, and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artiste ol Our Own Oaf. Tea Table Talk. “I didn’t see you at the masquerade ball, Jimpson.” “No; I went as a ghost."—Harper’s Bazar. An office-holder is the only kind of man who can have his head cut off and still live.—Baltimore American. The trouble with Wanamaker’s stamps is that they don’t know when they are licked.—Rochester Herald. It is to be hoped that the hoopskirt bacillus will not effect a lodgment In this country.—Memphis Appeal. The man who aspires to make a successful pickpocket should study free hand drawing.—Yonkers’ Statesman. Love Is not always blind. It can see the proportions of a nice plump fortune about as far as it is visible.— Texas Siftings. Wife —“ls that one of the cigars I gave you?” Husband—“Of course not. Don’t you see lam going to smoke it.”—Quips. When a wife counsels her husband to come straight home after an evening banquet she- means it in more senses than one.—Boston Transcript. Briggs —“l can’t understand what keeps F., K. & Q. stock so firm these days.” Braggs—“Guess the water in it has frozen solid. ” —lndianapolis Journal. Merchant —“ Now here is a piece of goods that speaks for itself." Uncle Hayseed—“ Well, that wouldn’t suit Mandy. She likes to do her own talkin’.” The difference between a knifeblade losing its temper and a woman is that,the former becomes duller and the latter more cutting.—Philadelphia Times. She —“ Dudes haven’t more than half sense.” Mr. Sappy—“Aw, Miss Mawy, are there no exceptions?” “Oh, yes, Mr. Sappy, some haven’t any.”—Quips. “Well,” said the man who handed his last cent to the lawyer, “I suppose turn about is fair play. I broke the law and the law broke me. ” Washington Star. Jagsby —“Wife, I (hie) was ‘held up’ on m’ way ’ome. ” Mrs. Jagsby (sarcastically)—“You wouldn’t have never got home if you hadn’t been.” —Pittsburg Bulletin.

Yeast —“ What are you going to make out of your boy?” Crimsonbeak—”A lecturer.” “Has he taste for it?” “Oh, 3’es; he inherits it from his mother.’’—-Yonkers Statesman. First Boy—“ That there coal combine works bully.” Second Boy—- “ How?” First Boy—“ Makes coal so high-priced that pop carries it hisself cause I’d scatter it.”—Good News. It was a Vermont boy who, having doue pretty well in the West, telegraphed the “old man” in this fashion: “Come on out; awful mean men get office here.”—New York Advertiser. In the Hawaiian language there ft no word meaning weather. The reason is that ,there Is no weather there,worth, mentioning, the climate being about the same the year around. —Texas Siftings. Facetious Friend —“Well, have you and your wife yet settled as to who is to be speaker of the house?” Young Husband—“ Not yet. We usually occupy the chair together. ”—lndianapolis Journal. He —“Oh, I have a splendid story to tell you. I don’t think I ever told it to you before?” She —“Is It really a good story?” He—“lndeed it is.” She (wearily)—“Then you hdven’t told it to me before.”—Life. “I notice that your husband has never much to say in the morning when he has been out late at night,” said tbe wife’s mother. “No,” was the reply of the wife;' “he’s mum then —extra dry.”—New York Press. Guide (to city Nimrod, who has a spell of nervousness at sight of live deer) —What yer trembling about? Got an attack of “buck fever?” City Nimrod No-t—mu-ch—l’m trembling at the narrow escape that deer had.

Irascible old gentleman (putting head out of four-wheeler that is crawling at an unconscionable pace) —I say, cabby, we’re not going to a funeral! Cabby (promptly)—No, and we ain’t going to no blooming fire either.—Tid-Bits. Thoitohtfcl.— “Charley,” said the affectionate little wife, “didn’t you tell me those blue chips cost a dollar apiece?” “Yes.” “Well, here’s a whole box full of all colors that I bought at the bargain counter for 75 cents.”—Buffalo Quips. Figg (reading the programme)— “Six months are supposed to elapse between the second and third acts.” Fogg (whose ears have been outraged by the excruciating strains of the orchestfa) —Is that all? It seems a good deaHonger than that.—Boston Transcript. To Imitate Both Parents. —Caller —So you mean to be an M. P. when you grow big, Tommy? Politician’s Youngest—Yes; like pa. CallerThen you’ve made up your mind to do a great deal of talking? Politician’s Youngest—Yes; like ma— Funny Folks. It seems to be fairly well established by experience that the practice of thawing out frozen dynamite cartridges by laying them on a redhot stove is tidt altogether conducive to the integrity, peace, and well-be-ing of those sojourning in the neighborhood. —Philadelphia Telegraph.