Democratic Sentinel, Volume 17, Number 6, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 24 February 1893 — Page 6

ftljeJemocraticSentinc! RENSSELAER, INDIANA. J. W. McEWEN, PußLramtm.

POWER OF TORPEDOES.

WHAT MODERN SHIPS OF WAR HAVE TO DREAD. Wlien the First Device of This Nature Appeared—How It Has Grown In Abl llty to Destroy—The Variety Adopted by the United States Government. A Formidable Assailant. During our war of independence, says a New York correspondent, David Bushnell, the father of American 1 Submarine warfare, threatened the British war vessels in New York harbor with torpedoes oarried in a turtle-shaped boat that glided to the Attack beneath the surface of the water.

But the first authentic record of the practical efficiency of torpedoes as a recognized means of attack arid defense is found in the river add harbor operations during our late civil war, when thirty-seven vessels

HARBOR DEFENDED BY SUBMARINE MINES, FLANKING GUNS. AND MORTAR BATTERIES.

were either sunk or seriously damaged by the explosion of heavy gunpowder mines submerged in the approaches to Southern cities. Submarine torpedo boats harassed the fleet blockading Charleston; while the gallant

SIMS-EDISON FISH TORPEDO IN MOTION, NINETEEN MILES AN HOUR.

Cushing leaped a small steam launch over a barrier of floating logs and suttk the formidable ironclad Albemarle by the explosion of an iron pot full of powder lashed to the end of a spar. Since that time, stimulated both by the rapid advance in electrical engineering and by the study of high explosives, the development of the tofcpedb, thine; has been rapidiJy pushed forward both in this country andin Europe. Bh Bbdrd of Engineers for EbHfflcations teas instructed to ex- 1 “ pewmenUUy study, the general subject of torpedo defense and to prepare detailed plans of applying the approved methods to the several important harbors of the United States. Ctißiri|M|i sriverg apd anchorages were and elaborate projectsfor their defense were submitted, cbtnpVising plans'for bomb-proof electric stations, tjUnnal§ to protect the protect the insulated wires, and maps showing the number and proposed location of the mines. And as , the. hanging or high explosives held ih leaSh hy the electric current allows no margin for ignorance, carelessness or neglect the establishment of a school of defensive submarine mining was recommended, where engineer soldiers could receive a thorough training in this special service. 1 The magnitude of the work outlined can only be appreciated by those who were associated with Gen. Henry L. Abbot ln the development of a practical working system from meager data and an absolute lack of material. ‘ At that time reliable insulated cabie was not manufactured in the Halted States, and the electrical apjpratos bad for some years to be pur'aWMTtn Euro pie; special plants! bad to be established for the fabrication of the steel cases and connection!. As the work advanced it was

found that ce&ain general conditions must be fulfilled. » The torpedo cases should be light, easily handled, and sufficiently buoyant to support the charge, mooring rope, and electric cable in a sensibly vertical position against the depressing effects of swift currents, or the torpedoes will sink below the touch of passing vessels; and the mechanical arrangements should be capable of resisting the shock from the explosion of neighboring mines. The adopted spherical case meets all these requirements, and with anchor, wire mooring rope, electric cable and connections constitutes a complete mine ready for action. From bomb-proof operating casemates seven-colored cables will be laid to junction boxes placed at selected points in the channel. Thence the copper cores will diverge into cables radiating toward the advance, and terminating in three mines, so connected that each will explode singly if struck, while all three can be exploded simultaneously at will. To fill the gaps between the lines, to

OPERATING THE TORPEDO FROM SHORE.

menace the enemy far in advance of the main defenses, and to compel him to extend countermining operations over a wide area, lines of skirmish or single-cable mines will cut the waters well to the front. In shallow channels or anchorages on the coast line available for occupation in conducting a distant bombardment large and carefully located ground mines so charged and electrically controlled that their removal by sweeping or grappling would prove both difficult and dangerous will reenforce the mortar batteries in a very effective manner. The primary defense of the mines rests with the guns of the batteries commanding the channels, where the main lines will he so arranged as to be swept throughout their length by a flanking fire. The machine and rapid-firing guns, when we have them, will play an important part in such operations. But, should war be declared to-morrow, our old-fashioned eight and ten-inch smoothbores would prove very effective against torpedo boats and launches attempting to work mischief under cover of night or a fog. Charged with grape and canister, trained by day-light, and placed in circuit with the electric system through electric primers and insulated wires extended to the operating station, any effort to raise a mine or cut a cable will at once automatically draw a volley that would disable or greatly harass the boats.

In the absence of high-power guns an ironclad will move steadily forward'and attempt by countermining to open a safe passage for a beleaugering fleet, and here the adopted SimsEdison electric flsh torpedo would prove a valuable auxiliary to the de-

sense. The range of this aggressive torpedo Is over two miles, while its speed exceeds eighteen miles an hour. It is steered, propelled, and exploded by means of a Cohthbllabls electric current, and carries a-charge capable of disabling the most formidable ironclad. The complete torpedo consists of

TORPEDO AT ANCHOR.

two distinct parts, the float and tha hull. The formdr is filled with an unsubmergible material and is practically indifferent to the bullets of rapid-firing guns; the latter, a cigarshaped hull sheltered from fire under seven feet of water, carries in the bow section the explosive, In another an insulated cable, which pays out without strain as the torpedo proceeds, and in the stern section the electro-motor that revolves the propeller and a powerful relay that actuates the steering gear. The electric current, produced by a dynamo on shore, and conveyed to the torpedo through the cable, is under control of the operator through the keyboard switches by which he can at will start, stop, steer to port or starboard, or explode the charge. Movable torpedoes of this type will prove formidable assailants to the enemy’s vessels moving cautiously in obstructed channels, and will re-en-force the fire of the mortars. Ignorance of the nature and object of torpedoes -has led the' public to believe that harbors can, in an emergency, be protected by this branch of the defense alone. Heavy batteries and submarine mines are but correlative terms of a good defense. The function of the latter is to so obstruct the channels that the enemy’s vessels shall be held under fire of the former. But at least it can be said that we have ready for duty a perfected defensive torpedo system, supplemented with a skilled corps of submarine miners and electricians.

So Much for His Looks.

He wouldn’t pay his bills, and he imagined that he resembled the lamented Daniel Webster. The former was a fault, the latter an eccentricity and a decidedly weak point with the man. On his office wall hung a large picture of Daniel Webster, and while the lawyer drew legal documents it was his wont to frequently look at the picture, as if for inspiration, draw a sigh of contentment as he saw the resemblance, and continue with the writing of “the party of the first part” in an action against “the party of the second part.” It was the picture of Daniel Webster that led the lawyer to finally settle an old bill, and unconsciously at that The creditors were a half-doz-en colored people who had at various times cleaned the lawyer s office and tried to arrange his legal papers in a condition bordering on “orderly.” But when they demanded their money the lawyer bad the faculty of putting off the payment that was exceedingly discouraging to the creditors. In fact the payment was delayed so long that the claims were finally consolidated and placed in the hands of a collector. The collector was told of the lawyer’s weakness and his delight at being told of his resemblance to the picture of Webster suspended on his office wall. On this fact the collector based his hopes of success. He went to the lawyer’s office and while waiting for an audience with the man of legal lore stood gazing at the picture of Webster and then at the lawyer. The latter watched the collector meanwhile from beneath his heavy eyebrows. “Well, what do you think.of it?” queried the lawyer of the collector, glancing at the picture. “Splendid, splendid!” replied the man with the bill. “You couldn’t have a better picture; the artist caught your expression perfectly,” and the collector lingered the bill in his pocket. “Think it looks like me, eh?” “Looks like you—well, it’s simply perfect. ” “Well, sir, that’s a picture of Daniel Webster,” and the lawyer lie-heed with satisfaction and pleasure, and asked what he could do for the visitor. The collector said he wanted to collect twenty dollars and seventy cents, and the lawyer sat down and drew his check. Rising from his seat and handing the check to the collector, the lawyer rubbed his hands together and said, “and so you think Webster looked like me?” “Oh, yes,” replied the collector, as he opened the office door, 1 ‘about as much as he did like me,” And the door went to with a hang.

Roquefort and Its Cheese.

Cheese, which has been the fortune of Roquefort, has destroyed its picturesqueness. It has brought speculators there who have raised great, ugly, square buildings of dazzling whiteness, In harsh contrast with the character and somber tone of the old bouses. Although the plac&is so small that it consists of oniy one street and a few alleys, the more ancient dwellings are remarkable for their height. It is surprising to see in a vtllage lost among the sterile hills houses three stories high. The fact that there is only a ledge on which to build must be the explanation. What is most curious in the place is the cellars. Before the cheese became an important article of commerce, these were natural caverns, such as are everywhere to be found in this calcareous formation; but now they are really cellars that have been excavated to such a depth in the rock that they are to be seen in as many as five stages, where long rows of cheese are stacked ohe over the other. The virtue of these cellars from the cheese-making point of view is their dryness, and their scarcely varying temperature of about 8° C., summer and winter. But the demand for Roquefort cheese has become so great that trickery now plays a part in the ripening process. The peasants have learned that “time is money,” and they have found that bread crumbs mixed with the curd causes those green streaks of moldiness, which denote that the cheese is fit for the market, to appear mrch more readily than was formerly the case, wheft it 'was left to do the best it could for itself with the aid of a subterranean atmosphere. This is not exactly cheating; it is commercial enterprise, the result of competition and other circumstances too strong for poor human nature. In cheese-making, bread crumbs are found to be a cheap substitute for time; and it is said that those who haVe taken to beer brewing, in this region have found that box, which here is the commonest of shrubs, is a cheap substitute for hops. The notion that brass pins are stuck into Roquefort cheese to make it turn green is founded on fiction.—Temple Bar.

USES OF FLOUR BARRELS.

Some of tilie Pretty and Practical Thin** That Can Be Made from Them. You think you are familiar with the possibilities of old barrels. You know how to make chairs of them. You have Improved vasi’y on the rather primitive affair your ingenious grandmother was proud of having fashioned out of a barrel. Did it ever occur to you that there are other possibilities in an empty barrel? Have you ever tried making a table of one? Four nicely curved staves will make the legs. Use the head of the barrel for the top, or, if you like, buy a piece of wood any size or shape you fancy. Get a square piece of timber a few inches long and about five and a half inches square. Take off the corners for about an Inch, making an irregular octagon, and fasten on the sides the four barrel staves, with the ends well squared and smoothed off. Between them, where the corners were, fasten on some brackets to support the top. A small hoop placed between the staves near the floor will make them more firm, and a coat of paint or varnish will complete quite a presentable little table. A kind of round cabinet table can also be made by sawing out zigzag panels in the sides above the lower hoops and inserting a round shelf inside at this level. Put a round cover on the top and paint it white, first filling the cracks and imperfections with putty and rubbing down with sandpaper. The cabinet of shelves Is built of well-selected barrel heads, whose parts are held together by a broad cleat nailed on the under side of each

THE POSSIBILITIES OF A BARREL.

head. These are supported by four upright pieces, with grooves sawed in the edges at different levels. Brackets strengthen the frame and secure the shelves properly. The edge is finished with a fringe or -some other ornamental decoration about three inches deep. A useful stand may be made of a barrel sawed in half lengthwise and resting upon a framework of plain hoards with a shelf below. This may be filled with earth for a winter window garden or may have a cover hinged on for a table and be draped with a cloth to hide the barrel shape, which affords a spacious receptacle. Still another may consist of two ends of a barrel with the heads in each part being sawed off just at the second hoop. Through four holes in the lower one run the supports of the frame and let the top part rest upon their ends. Some small brackets under each barrel head will strengthen the whole. Covered and decorated with cloth and plush and with cushioned sides and pockets, this makes a very convenient work table, or, decorated in rustic fashion, a very pretty plant stand.

Purification of Sewage.

The Engineering Record quotes the reported results of investigations made by officers of the Hygienic Institute of Munich upon the growth of certain plants in the River Isar as indicative of the process of self-puri-fication in that stream in its downward flow after receiving the sewage of Munich. Prof. Von Pettenkofer, the chief of the bureau, believes that in running streams a moderate quantity of human excreta is decomposed and rendered harmless in the course of a few miles of flow. He supposes this does not depend on mere dilution or subsidence, but on the velocity of the stream, and particularly on the presence of free oxygen in the water, this being connected with the action of green algie and other water plants. Observation shows that a peculiar form of vegetable life, sometimes called the sewage fungus, grows luxuriantly about a mile below the point where the sewage enters the Isar, abounds seven miles lower down, and disappears farther off. The inference is that after about twelve miles of flow the turbulent stream is so far purified from nitrogenous organic matter that it no longer contains enough of it to support the growth of the sewage fungus. 'Also it has been found that at the mouth of the sewer the cubic centimeter of fluid contained 198,000 bacteria, while twenty miles lower the number had diminished to 3,602, and a mere trace a few miles farther. But the purification here referred to applies only to residential sewage, that is, to water fouled with bumap excreta, and not tuthat fouled with industrial waste products of various kinds of manufacture, maDyof which are directly poisonous to both animal and vegetable life in water. It is objected by another writer that probably the purification produced by algaj is insignificant compared with that due to aerobic bacteria, entomostracea, and other forms of animal and plant life. He holds that the importance of the presence of oxygen is undoubted, but that its influence on the organic matter is exerted by favoring the growth of those organisms which require its presence as a condition of life, but that it does not act directly. If a mass of typhoid bacilli were discharged into a rapid current they might be carried to a greater distance before succumbing in the struggle for existence with other organisms than would have been the case with a slower current. The editor thinks that though much has been learned in regard to these things within the last ten years we are not yet sufficiently well informed concerning them to be justified in saying that a stream that has been polluted by sewage will be a safe source of water

supply arter it has flowed a stated number of miles, although people all along the Ohio ltiver and the Mississippi use the water for potable purposes—some Altering it to remove the sediment.

A Legal Incident.

A very bad and dishonest failure had occurred, in which a certaip trusted clerk seemed to have been guilty of the larger share of the crime. He, with his employer, was arrested and charged with the crime. The clerk stoutly protested his innocence and denied all knowledge of the fraud or any connection with his employer. . However, there was a chain of circumstantial evidence woven around him which his counsel could not break down. The clerk was convicted and sent to jail for a term of years. After being conflned in prison for about a year the poor fellow’s mind began to weaken, and Anally he broke down completely. He was taken from prison and transferred to a hospital for the insane. All the time he continued to protest his innocence. After he had been conAned in the hospital three or four years, certain facts in the failure were elicited which clearly proved that he was entirely innocent of having committed any crime. Of course steps were immediately taken to secure the pardon of the man; and an order was given for his immediate release. It now became the delicate duty of the counsel in the case to break the happy intelligence to the pardoned clerk. After a consultation between the counsel on both sides of the case, it was agreed to call upon the poor clerk and make an attempt to arouse him from the apathy and lethargy into which he had fallen. This they decided to do by accusing him again of the theft of the funds. The parties to this strange drama assembled in the room of the stricken man. He sat silent and Immovable, with his head in his hands. As the old and ever rankling charge of dishonesty fell upon his ears the effect was exactly that which Lad been foreseen and expected. He slowly raised his head. Looking his pseudo accuser straight in the eye he replied in a loud tone of voice, with a rising inflection and with great energy: “It is a lie!” The critical moment had come. The lawyer who had prosecuted him and secured his incarceration then stepped up to him and said: “You are right. It is a lie, and you stand before the community a vindicated man. I have the order for your release in my hand.” Then the lawyers stood off to watch the effect, hoping that the joy at the prospect of release and vindication would have the effect of putting the clerk again in his right mind. But no sign of joy overspread the man’s features. His face bore its usual stolid expression. It seemed to have no apparent effect upon him. The clerk turned his face toward the speaker, as if he did not understand him. Then his head fell forward and he was precipitated upon the floor at the feet of the lawyers. A single glance sufficed. He was dead.

An Elephant's Sunshade.

On hot summer days in New York, when the mercury is well up in the nineties, it becomes_almost a necessity to carry an umbrella, or shade of some kind, to protect ourselves from the burning rays of the sun. We should hardly expect, however, a native of India—residing in' this city—to have the same need for a sun-shade, particularly when the native is a huge Indian elephant. That an elephant should feel the heat in our climate seems rather absurd, but as he does, it is quite in keeping with the general intelligence of this animal that he should invent some means of protecting himself from it. The elephant inclosure in Central Park contains no trees nor shade of any kind, and on those hot days when the heat is almost unbearable, it seems hotter there than any place in New York. Grouped around the inclosure are usually scores of persons, many with sunshades and unbrellas, intently watching the elephants. Some of the huge*animals are carefully tossing hay upon their own backs, whilst others, whose backs are almost covered, may be seen peacefully resting. Newly mown grass is what the elephant prefers for this purpose—perhaps because it feels cooler than hay,—but hay answers the purpose very well. How many visitors t(K the park on these warm days have realized that they were not the only ones carrying sunshades, and thas the were protecting kalikatashion! The f&ct tih£#a»phants never attempt to thatch their backs with hay during the winter, although the same ojjportunities tor doing so exist, seems tojprove that thes use the hay as a protection Jrom ‘heat. They may sportively throw i little hay about, but'nothing.iinore. However, in flytime, there are good and sufficient reasons for the animals adopting the same means of "defense again; therefore. when the flies are fierce, the elephants cover their huge backs as on hot summer days.—St. Nicholas.

How He Knew.

Before the fish commissioners of California decided to stock the streams of the State with that much despised but powerful fish, the German carp, they were greatly concerned as to whether it would live in certain waters. The question was debated at several meetings, and was finally submitted to Professor H , an eminent authority. Samples of the water were obtained and turned over to the professor, who in a short time submitted a favorable report, and the carp were accordingly turned loose in the rivers. The commissioners were greatly impressed by the professor’s knowledge, but one of them had a question to ask. “How could you be sure that carp would live in the water submitted to you?” he inquired. “Why,” answered the professor, with an amused look, “I bought a Carp for ten cents and put it into the water. It lived.”

Asbestos.

Abestoes plates are sold at some of the house-furnishing shops. They are of use in very hot ovens and on very hot stoves to protect the bottoms of baking pans and sauce-pans.

ACROSS THE ISTHMUS.

L New Protect to Unite the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. The uniting of the Atlantic and Paciflc Oceans by canal has been a Iving question for several hundred tears and many projects have been

THE ISTHMUS AND VARIOUS CANAL ROUTES.

advanced to solve it. Of late years the Darien route, the Panama route and the Nicaraguan route have been chiefly before the public. The cost of the Darien route is estimated at 190,000,000; the Panama canal has been severely knocked in the head, while the Nicaraguan scheme is still prosecuted. Speaking on this question Gustave A. Karweise, a civil engineer, who has studied the matter for upward of a generation, says that the Nicaragua Canal cannot be built and successfully operated for double the amount proposed. Mr. Karweise proposes a new route—from the Bay of Sasardi on the Atlantic side to San Miguel Bay on the Paciflc side. The distance is only twenty-eight miles and the project has an advantage in that on both oceans there are natural and magnificent harbors. Mr. Karweise estimates the cost at $66,000,000 —$48,000,000 for the canal proper and $18,000,000 for dredging the rivers and bays. In connection with this proposed route it is pertinent to remark that the Nicaragua route, including Lake Nicaragua, is 169 miles.

MICHIGAN’S RICH SENATOR

Mr. Stockbridge Slade His Millions In linmber, Bat He Likes Horses. Senator Francis B. Stockbridge, who received a re-election for a second term at the hands of the

F. B. STOCKBRIDGE.

Maine, and in 1847, at the age of 21, came West with SIO,OOO in his pockets, given him by his father as a start in life. He formed a partnership with a man named Carter, who had a sawmill in Saugatuck, and located in Chicago to look after the business end of the lumbering operations. In 1851 he bought Carter out and took personal command ol the mill. He invested all his spare cash in pine lands and when the boom came in the seventies his holdings made him a millionaire in short order. He himself admits that in 1861 his assets would not aggregate $25,000, but from the war prices for lumber, followed by the boom in lands, very rapidly rolled up his bank account. He. is still actively engaged in lumbering, but does not give that close personal attention to the details he once did. He is largely interested in a stock farm near Kalamazoo, and many of the products ol his stable rahk high in speeding circles. He is a first-class judge ol horse flesh and always has a stable ol flyers in Washington. He once owned Bell Boy, buying him for $5,000. The horse won $6,500 in purses the same season,' and before the close of the year was sold for $30,000. Before a second year had passed the horse was sold twice more, once at auction foi $41,000, and the second, time for $52,000, and his new owner had hardly come into possession before the horse burned to death in his stable.

The Effects of Superstition.

The Duchess of Ahgouleme, in the sixteenth century, on awakening one night was surprised by an extraordinary brightness which illuminated her room. At first she thought it was the Are, so she scolded her women for having made so large a one; they assured her, however, it was caused by the moon. The Duchess ordered her curtains to be undrawn, and discovered that what produced this unusual light was a meteor. “Ah!” exclaimed she, “this is a phenomenon which never appears to persons of common condition. Shut the window; it is a meteor which announces my departure. I must prepare for death. ” The following morning she sent for her lawyer and physicians, and made every arrangement for her approaching dissolution. The physicians assured her that her apprehensions were ill-founded and premature. “If I had not,” replied she, “seen the signal for death, I could believe what you say, for I do not feel myself exhausted or particularly ill.” On the third day after this event she expired —the victim of terror. Long after her day all appearances of the celestial bodies, not perfectly understood by the multitude, were supposed to indicate the death of sovereigns and distinguished persons, or revolutions in governments.

For Dusting Ceilings.

A novelty seen at a recent sale of fancy work was a broom cover to be used in dusting down walls and ceilings. It was made of linen, the shape of the broom itself, and was really an inverted bag when adjusted. After it was drawn over the broom shirr strings held it close where the handle joined the sprints. As it gwas made entirely of washables, braid and linen, it was very suitable for its purpose and an improvement in time and usefulness over the cloth which most housekeepers wind about a broom for the same office.

Money in Kansas Chickens.

Chicken raising is a profitable and important Kansas industry. Five tons of poultry was shipped on one train from Newton for Denver one week, and another town, in Nemaha County, sends two carloads of poultry every month to San Francisco<

STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Manx Odd. Curious, and Laughable Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by Eminent Word Artiste ol Our Own Oaf. Tea Table Talk. “I didn’t see you at the masquerade ball, Jimpson.” “No; I went as a ghost."—Harper’s Bazar. An office-holder is the only kind of man who can have his head cut off and still live.—Baltimore American. The trouble with Wanamaker’s stamps is that they don’t know when they are licked.—Rochester Herald. It is to be hoped that the hoopskirt bacillus will not effect a lodgment In this country.—Memphis Appeal. The man who aspires to make a successful pickpocket should study free hand drawing.—Yonkers’ Statesman. Love Is not always blind. It can see the proportions of a nice plump fortune about as far as it is visible.— Texas Siftings. Wife —“ls that one of the cigars I gave you?” Husband—“Of course not. Don’t you see lam going to smoke it.”—Quips. When a wife counsels her husband to come straight home after an evening banquet she- means it in more senses than one.—Boston Transcript. Briggs —“l can’t understand what keeps F., K. & Q. stock so firm these days.” Braggs—“Guess the water in it has frozen solid. ” —lndianapolis Journal. Merchant —“ Now here is a piece of goods that speaks for itself." Uncle Hayseed—“ Well, that wouldn’t suit Mandy. She likes to do her own talkin’.” The difference between a knifeblade losing its temper and a woman is that,the former becomes duller and the latter more cutting.—Philadelphia Times. She —“ Dudes haven’t more than half sense.” Mr. Sappy—“Aw, Miss Mawy, are there no exceptions?” “Oh, yes, Mr. Sappy, some haven’t any.”—Quips. “Well,” said the man who handed his last cent to the lawyer, “I suppose turn about is fair play. I broke the law and the law broke me. ” Washington Star. Jagsby —“Wife, I (hie) was ‘held up’ on m’ way ’ome. ” Mrs. Jagsby (sarcastically)—“You wouldn’t have never got home if you hadn’t been.” —Pittsburg Bulletin.

Michigan Legislature, is a millionaire,, but it is said he came by his money honestly. Senator Stockbridge made his money in pine, "and his farmer proclivities have all developed in late years. He was born in

Yeast —“ What are you going to make out of your boy?” Crimsonbeak—”A lecturer.” “Has he taste for it?” “Oh, 3’es; he inherits it from his mother.’’—-Yonkers Statesman. First Boy—“ That there coal combine works bully.” Second Boy—- “ How?” First Boy—“ Makes coal so high-priced that pop carries it hisself cause I’d scatter it.”—Good News. It was a Vermont boy who, having doue pretty well in the West, telegraphed the “old man” in this fashion: “Come on out; awful mean men get office here.”—New York Advertiser. In the Hawaiian language there ft no word meaning weather. The reason is that ,there Is no weather there,worth, mentioning, the climate being about the same the year around. —Texas Siftings. Facetious Friend —“Well, have you and your wife yet settled as to who is to be speaker of the house?” Young Husband—“ Not yet. We usually occupy the chair together. ”—lndianapolis Journal. He —“Oh, I have a splendid story to tell you. I don’t think I ever told it to you before?” She —“Is It really a good story?” He—“lndeed it is.” She (wearily)—“Then you hdven’t told it to me before.”—Life. “I notice that your husband has never much to say in the morning when he has been out late at night,” said tbe wife’s mother. “No,” was the reply of the wife;' “he’s mum then —extra dry.”—New York Press. Guide (to city Nimrod, who has a spell of nervousness at sight of live deer) —What yer trembling about? Got an attack of “buck fever?” City Nimrod No-t—mu-ch—l’m trembling at the narrow escape that deer had.

Irascible old gentleman (putting head out of four-wheeler that is crawling at an unconscionable pace) —I say, cabby, we’re not going to a funeral! Cabby (promptly)—No, and we ain’t going to no blooming fire either.—Tid-Bits. Thoitohtfcl.— “Charley,” said the affectionate little wife, “didn’t you tell me those blue chips cost a dollar apiece?” “Yes.” “Well, here’s a whole box full of all colors that I bought at the bargain counter for 75 cents.”—Buffalo Quips. Figg (reading the programme)— “Six months are supposed to elapse between the second and third acts.” Fogg (whose ears have been outraged by the excruciating strains of the orchestfa) —Is that all? It seems a good deaHonger than that.—Boston Transcript. To Imitate Both Parents. —Caller —So you mean to be an M. P. when you grow big, Tommy? Politician’s Youngest—Yes; like pa. CallerThen you’ve made up your mind to do a great deal of talking? Politician’s Youngest—Yes; like ma— Funny Folks. It seems to be fairly well established by experience that the practice of thawing out frozen dynamite cartridges by laying them on a redhot stove is tidt altogether conducive to the integrity, peace, and well-be-ing of those sojourning in the neighborhood. —Philadelphia Telegraph.

Who doubts that knowledge—some kinds of knowledge, at least—-is largely a matter of intuition? Little Sarah, 3 years old, came running lnt« the house the other day in a state of great excitement. “O, mamma,” she said, “Mrs. Taylor has killed an old hen to make a chicken of!” And yet Sarah has never lived in a boarding-house. The barbed wire fence ft~the thing that can give you points.—Puck.

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

Evolution.