Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 51, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 6 January 1893 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE I’lt ESS. How Easily She Does It—A Fair Description—The Christmas Pledge—All He Wanted, Etc. HOW EASILY SHE DOES IT. A man will run till he seems to feel The perspiration pour like rain, But a woman has only to kick up her heels To catch a train.—[New York Press. A FAIR DESCRIPTION. “Papa,” asked the small bov, “what is dignity?” “Dignity, my son,” replied the father, “consists principally of a tall lmt and a frock coat.”: —[Buffalo Express. THE CHRISTMAS IM.EDGE. There was a young man named Block Who wanted something to lioek; . Not a tiling could lie rake That his uncle would take, So he went and hung up his sock. ALL HE WANTED. Suitor—l came to ask for your daughter's hand. Her Father—She is my only daughter. Suitor—Well, sir, one is ali I ask. THE ,-FAD. Cushions gay on every chair, But never a place to sit: Cushiqns, cushions everywhere, Till I nearly take a fit; Cushions strewn upon the floor On every side I see My wife has taken a cushion craze And there is no room for me! —[ New York Herald. SHE SEEMED TO PREFER ANOTHER. •‘How do you get along, with Miss Coy?” “Well, I should hnvehopcsof winning her, but I honestly think I have no chance.” “If you think you have no chance why should you have hopes of winning her?” “Web, they say if you are courting a girl and she seems to prefer another, it is evident she loves you.” “Does she seem to prefer another?” “She does. She eloped with Jolliboy last night.”—[New York Press.

IT PAID. “Does poetry pay?” asked youug Rhymer, addressing the editor. “It has to pay before it gets into my paper,”was the reply; “pays the regular rates.” SHE nAD HER REVENGE. “Angelina,” said Edwin, “there is a little question that I have long been wishing to ask you.” “Yes?” she said, opening her eyes very wide and pretending complete ignorance although confident that she was fully aware of its purport. “I wanted to ask you whether I ought to let my mustache grow or not?” Gulping down her disappointment she said: “I would let it grow, if it will grow, but I’m afraid it is like you—-undecided what to do.”—[New York Press. THE LUCKY MAN. Courtleigh--See here, Marigold, you don't keep your word. When we were both after Miss Gotrox it was agreed between us that the lucky man should pay the other SIO,OOO. Marigold—Well? Courtleigh—Well, you married her. Marigold—Exactly* But upon consideration I think you owe me the ten thousand.—[New York Herald. BAD FOR TIIE DOG. Little Emile breaks his brother Toto’s rubber ball and in revenge Toto begins to kick the house dog Tom. Whereupon his mother remonstrates, saying, “Why do you do that, Toto? Doesn't Tom belong to you as well as to Emile?” “I know that very well, mamma,” replies Toto, “but I’m taking good care to kick Tom on the side that belongs to Emile.”—[Paris Gaulois.

BOUND TO SKATE. Little Boy—Papa, I wish you’d get me some skates. Pupa—Skates? There’s no ice. “I want to have ’em ready when the ice comes.” “Some winters there is no ice at all.” “Well, roller skates ’ll do.[Street & Smith’s Good News. WIIAT nE WAS WAITING FOR. “Young man,” said the stern parent, with the accent on the young, “do you intend to stay here all night holding my daughter's hand and looking her in the face like a sick call?” “No, sir.” “What do you intend to do then?" “Well, I had thought when you did us the kindness to retire I would put my arm round her waist, and if she did not' object too forcibly I might risk a kiss.” —[Boston Globe. THOUGHTLESS. “Well, if that ain’t mean!” exclaimed the prisoner. “Every one o’ the stories in this paper they’ve gimme to read is ‘to be continued.’ An’ me to be hung next week!”

IN LIEU OF A LOUD VOICE. Mrs. Drowsie—What, my dear, you are not going to wear that bright-colored necktie in the pulpit, are you? The Rev. Mr. Drowsie—Yes, I am. That’s the only way I can keep the audience awake.—[Clothier and Furnisher. HER AFTERTHOUGHT. Before bidding her good night he begged to be permitted to kiss her. “Oh, no,” she said; “I could not permit such a thing. Besides, somebody might see us.” “That’s true,” he said. There was a pause, after which she said with a light laugh: “How quiet it is here. There appears to be riobodyabout.’’—[New York Press. A GOOD TEST. Little Dot—Sister gave me her brass riii^. Little Dick—Dow do you know it’s brass? Little Dot—’Cause she gave it to me. TWO STORIES. Old Discipline—Johnny, suppose I promised you a stick of candy and did not give it to you, what would you think ? Young Three-Year-Old (promptly)— That you had told a story, papa. Old" Discipline—Well, suppose I should promise you a whipping and do not give It to you? Young Hopeful (doubtfully)—Papa—l . —dess—that—would—be—a—story, too. But I t’ink Dod would forgive you.— Jllarper's Bazar.

IHBA.BU.mEB OF SIX. LittTe Dot—l wish I was a boy. Little Dick —Why? , Little Dot—'Cause a girl always feels so wicked w’eu she does anything wrong, an’ a boy don't. Boys just goes right along an’ has a good time. [Good News. FAR ADVANCED. Agnes—Really. Helen has improved in her music wonderfully since she went abroad. Edith—ln what wav ? Agnes—Why, she never plays any thing now that sounds the least bit like a tune. —[Chicago Inter-Ocean. HOW HE DOES IT. ‘•See here, Mr. Grocer,” said a Hartford housewife, “if you are going to bring me any more goods, I want them to be the very best.” “We keep none but the best.” “I presume so; you mustsell theworst in order to keep the best.” THE ART OF MAKING GIFTS. In selecting an armchair for papa seek one that will match, his temper rather than Ins complexion. Girls over twenty are likely to feel insulted if presented with wax dolls. If your husband smokes insist that he shall use the box of cigars which you gave him at Christmas. This may cure him of the habit. If you have a neighbor whose love of music keeps you awake o’ nights it will be a polite tribute to his taste if you send his small boy a drum. Your niotlier-in-law will be intensely gratified if you give her—her own way. A few sheets of postage stamps may be gracefully offered to a struggling genius. Your sweetheart will probably be as much pleased with an engagement ring ns_anything you can give her.—[Life.

THE CHRISTMAS WALLET. You know me by my hollow look, I’m papa’s empty poeketbook, I’ve had to larder up the cook, And fill the hose at chimney-nook, And when mamma of me partook I looked so awfully forsook, If pa had thrown me in the brook I’d nothing said, but simply shodk My mortal coil and thus on crook Of usefulness I’d ta’en a hook— I would —just take at me a look, I’m such a gonesome poeketbook. [Glens Falls Republican. WANTED TO SEE THE BOSS. Tramp (to lady of the house; —Where is the boss? Lady of the House (calling to her husband) —John, tell the servant girl she’s wanted. UNDER THE MISTLETOE. Miss Autumn—l wonder why Churlie asked me for a kiss last night? Miss Caustique—l suppose he was foolish enough to imagine you wouldn’t give it. RETURNED. Tom —By the way, how are you getting on with Jessie? Has she returned your love? Jack —Indeed she has (sadly), with thanks.