Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 49, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 December 1892 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARN'S BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. They Pitied Him Letter of the Law— A Different Branch— Regular Record Breakers, Etc., Etc. THEY PITIED HIM. Dimling was stopped by two footpads the other night. One of them covered him with a revolver, and the other said: “Turn over all yourcash, and be quick about it.” “My dear fellows,” said Dimling, in response to their urgent invitation, “I have no cash to turn over. I have just left a church fair.” The footpads first satisfied themselves of the truth of the unfortunate man’s story, and then raised $1.25 between them forhis relief, regardless of the fact that business had not been good with them for some time.—[Harper’s Bazar. LETT Ell OF THE LAW. Boy (on a bridge)—Say, mister, if you don’t look out you’ll be fined. Teamster —Why will 1? Boy—That' sign says “Walk your horses,” don’t it? Teamster—Jesso. Boy—Well, yours are standing still.—[Street A Smith’s Good News. A different branch. Mother (looking over her boy's shoulder) —Your spelling is perfectly terrible. Little Son —This isn’t a spellin’ lesson. It's a composition.—[Good News. HEGL'LAR RECORD-BREAKERS. Miss Gotham—That talk about Philadelphia being so very, very slow, is merely a newspaper joke, isn’t it ? Visiting Minister—Certainly it is. You just ought to see a Philadelphia congregation leaving church.—[New York Weekly. UNSEEMLY HASTE. “I think it is an outrage for Snodgrass to marry again so soon after his wife's death,” remarked Berry, the undertaker. “Six months, isn’t it?” “Well, it isn’t the exact time I object to so much as the fact that he hasn’t paid me yet for her funeral.” —[Judge. NOT TO BE CHECKED. The baggage-man has a ,big contract on his hands when he undertakes to check the cry of a baby on his train.—[Yonkers Statesman. A QUICK VERDICT. “What made the jury render a verdict so quickly?” “Well, you see, one of the jurors began to tell us about the bright sayings of his five-year-old boy.”—[Judge. THE PASTOR’S MISTAKE. Pastoi?—What did I say in my sermon yesterday that you objected to? Mr. Dc Good—You surprise me, my dear air. I did not object to anything. Pastor—But I heard you give a very audible snort at something 1 said. Mr. De Good—Oh, no; no That was only a snore.—[New York Weekly. A SKILLED OPINION. Mrs. Trolley—Do tell me, Mr. Kanvass, which is the greatest work of art! Mr. Kanvass—Selling the paintings, madam.—[New York Sun.

A FOOLISH QUESTION. Noodle—l’ve forgotten something the wife told me to bring home. Friend—What was it ? Noodle—You bally idiot ! If I kriew what it was I shouldn’t have forgotten it, should I?- -[Ally Sloper. A DWARF. Clinker—What do you think of this Prince Albert? It was my brother’s, and I had it made over for me. Calloway—Don’t you think you are too short to look well iu a Prince Albert? Clinker—l am too short to get anything else. —[New York Herald. A WAITING POLICY. Featherstone—l saw Miss Pinkerly going into a candy store yesterday. Ringway—Did you speak to her? F%thcrstone —Not until she came out. —[New York Herald. THE DVSPErric’s SONG. Tliankgiving day has come again; The table groans with toothsome food; And were it not for Friday’s pain, That always treads on Thursday’s train, I should be full of gratitude. —[Harper's Bazar. HE KNEW Ills ARITHMETIC. Young Featherly—Are these vour children?

Mrs. Brand—Oh, yes! the boy is five years old, and this girl seven. Young Featherly—Well, how time flies! It doesn’t seem possible that you have been married twelve years.— [The Million. NATURE ASSERTS ITSELF. Keeper—The ossified man is iu a terrible state to-night. Manager—What is the trouble with him? Keeper—The dog-faced boy has threatened to eat him.—[Truth. WHY HE PURSUED HER. ' “No, I cannot marry you, and you pester me by continually asking me. Why don’t you ask somebody who will have you?” “Bless your heart, I’ve asked every other woman that I know and have been refused. It was only when driven to desperation that I came to you.”—[New York Press. A VILLAGE BENEFACTOR. My neighbor’s cows oft come to graze Upon my lawn. They came around This noon. To-night my neighbor pays Ten dollars to the village pound. —| Harper's Bazar BOTH SATISFIED. Trotter—l hear that Rose de Ninon has married young Clodly. How do they get on together? Cutter—Very well, indeed. He is willing to love her and she is willing to be loved.—[Ally Sloper. PROOF POSITIVE. Sweet Young Thing—And can I really believe, darlieg, that I am the only girl you ever loved? Absent-Minded Lover—Of course, dearest. No girl that I’ve known has ever doubted it yet.—[Ally Sloper. THE BEST THING TO DO. Spiffer—What— er—should you—er—say that the—er—best thing .to do—er when you accidentally tread on a big—er—strong man's favorite corn? Spoiler—Best thing to do? Get out of reach,—lExchange.

FULL, StDEKD. Extract from a sentimental young lady’s letter: “Last night I sat in a gondola on Venice’s Grand Canal drinking it all in, and life never seemed so full before I” —[Scraps. two living. Justice O'Halloran—Have you any children, Mrs. Kelly? Mrs. Kelly—l hov two living, an’ wan married.—[Puck. SURE PROOF. “Sir,” said a fierce lawyer, “do you, on your oath, swear that this is not your writing?” ) “I think not,” was the cool reply. “Does it resemble your writing?” “I can’t say it does.” “Do you swear that it does net resemble your writing?” “I do.” “Do you take your oath that this writing does not resemble yours?” “Y-c-s, sir. ’Cause I can’t write.”— [Exchange. * THE LADY’S ADVANTAGE. Judge—Your age? Lady—Thirty years. Judge (incredulously)—You will have some difficulty in proving that. Lady (excitedly)—You will find it hard to prove to the contrary, as the church register which contained the entry of my birth was burned in the year 1845. [Rare Bits. didn’t appreciate the compliment. Trotter—l can’t imagine why Miss Budd is so angry with me. 1 paid her a compliment. Barlaw—What did you say to her? Trotter—Why, I merely asked her if she had found the Fountain of Youth. —[New York Herald.

AGAINST HIS PRINCIPLES. Kindly Housewife—Here, my poor man, I’ll get you a nice bit of steak if you’ll wait a minute. Husky Horton (thAramp)—Very kind, mum, but it will be impossible for me to accept your offer. I’m a vegetarian, mum, and if you happen to have a little beer or old rye whiskey—both of which are purely vegetable products—l shall be glad to partake of your hospitality.— [Chicago News Record. HER USE OK THE FRANCHISE. “Were you allowed to vote,” said he, As through the sheltered lane they strayed, “What would you vote for—answer me— Protection or free trade?” The gentle maiden hung her head, While to her cheeks the color flew; “I would not care to vote,” she said; “I’d rather pair with you.” FROM A DOCTOR’S POINT OF VIF.W. “Singlejaw was badly hurt in that railway accident, wasn't he, doctor?” “Very. We had to amputate both his legs.” “My! Will he pull through?” “Oh, yes; we'll put him on his feet again in about six months.” —[Harper’s Bazar. A GUIDF.BOARD FOR I.OVERS. . Adlel—What is the course of true love. Miss Kissam? “ Miss Kissam—lt leads along the bridal path, Mr. Adlet.—[Detroit Free Press. THE MERMAID’S PLIGHT. Museum Manager—What’s all this row about? Assistant —The show is over and the freaks are preparing to go home. The mermaid is raising a row because she can’t find her shoes.—[Des Moines Graphic. AMBIGUOUS.

“Is it becoming to me?” asked she, as she paraded in the costume of one hundred years ago before the man who is not her lord and master, but is her husband. “Yes, my dear,” he said meekly. “Don’t you wish I could dress this way always?” she asked. “No, my dear,” he replied; “but it’s so becoming I do wish, my darling, that you had lived when that was the style.” HE HAD JUST GOT IT OUT. Your coat has a verv strange odor, dear Ned, Said the maid as she tilted her nose; It’s a perfume that’s used by my uncle, he said, To keep away moths from his clothes. —[New York Press. AN IMPOSSIBLE EVENT. “They say Cholly has softening of the brain.” “I cannot conceive it possible.” “Why not?.” “Because his brain cannot become any softer than it always has been.”—[New York Press.