Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 December 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. The Ocean—Different Circumstances— An Unquestionable Request—Shoving Him Off, Etc. THE OCEAN. Little drops of water, Little grains of sand Make the mighty ocean, So we understand. Yet there's something lacking; Is it quite a sin If we ask the question: “Wheredoes the salt come in?” DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES. Tommy—Said you could lick me with one hand tied behind you, didn’t you? Let me see you do it! Jimmy—Y-ves, I guess I did say so; but I ain’t got one hand tied behind me just now.—[lndianapolis Journal. AN UNQUESTIONABLE REQUEST. Customer —I’ll have to order another pair of shoes, but I'd like to have you make them a little different in shape from the last. Shoemaker—You can’t make ’em that way, man! What’s a last for?—[Puck. MEN OF LETTERS. I handle more letters in a day than you do,” said a man to one of Uncle Sam’s postal employees. “Indeed! What Post Office do you work in?” “Don’t work in a Post Office at all. I’m a typesetter.’'—[Truth. THE INEVITABLE. '-‘Have you finished that address of mine on ‘Modern Progress?’” asked the great man of his private secretary. “Yes, sir;” replied the brainy hireling. “Have you put in everything you could think of relating to the subject?” “Yes, sir; I have made it very exhaustive; 1 don’t think anything further could be said.” “Very well; just say at the beginning that ‘I regret that, owing to the brief time allotted to me, I will be unable to go as fully into the subject as I could wish,’ and let me have it.”

EFFECT OF NATIONALITY. Layton—lsn’t that dock a little fast? Waite—l shouldn’t be surprised; it’s a French clock.—[Puck. SATISFIED WITH lIEU LOT. Little Dick—Don’t you wish you was a boy? Little Dot—No, I is glad I isn’t. Little Dick—Why? Little Dot—‘Cause mamma says I is bad, an’ I know if I was a boy I’d be badder. OPPORTUNITIES OF INFORMATION CUT OFF. “Is there anything going on in the neighborhood?” asked a transient visitor of the postmistress at Persimmonville. “I really don’t know,” she replied. “People is puttin’ on style now, an’ writin’ to each other in letters, ’stead o’ usin’ postal cards as they used to.”—[Judge. WENT IN DEEP. “So you had to stop work at the gas well, eh?” “Yes; ran out of money.” “Ilow deep did you go?” “About fifteen thousand” “What! fifteen thousand feet?” “dollars.” PERFECTLY EXPLAINED. Bagiev—Why aren’t you wearing an overcoat this cold day ? Brace—On my way here it got such a soaking that I had to take it off. Bagley—But it isn’t raining. Brace—No-o; I—l soaked it myself.— [New York Sun. TENDER, BUT HOT LEGAL TENDER. ■“lama not wealthy,” he sai<i; “but if the devotion of a true and tender heart goes for anything with you, Miss Clara—” * “It goes well enough with me, Mr. Spoonbill,” interrupted the fair girl, with a pensive look on her face, “but how will it go with the grocer?”—[Puck.

THE ALTERNATIVE. Old Lady (anxiously)—Does this train stop at New York city? Rrakeman—WclL, if it don’t, madam, you will 6ee the biggest smash-up you ever see. —[Truth. THE REASON. “Your sealskin saeque is rather short, is it not?” “Yes, when I got it my husband was short.” A SNAPPISH WOMAN. “Did your wife say yes the first time you proposed to her, Mr. Henpeck?” “Yes, she snapped at me at once and she has been .snapping at me ever since.” WHERE THE TUG COMES. Little Boy—Don't Quakers ever fight? Mamma—No, my dear. Little Boy (after reflection) —I should think it would be awful hard for a real big Quaker to be a Quaker. PUZZLING. “It's been puzzling my brain,” inadvertently remarked Snodgrass. “What has?” asked Snively. “Whether a man with a glass eye ever has a pane in it.”—[The Jewelers’’Circular. TOO SANGUINE. Policeman (to corner statue) —Move on. now!

Corner Statue—Say, you must t’ink you’ve discovered perpetual motion. WORSE AND WORSE. _ Van Gilding, Senior —How dare you, sir, talk of love to my daughter? Charlie—Oh, I—eh—l—really didn't mean it.—[New York Herald. A DEITY. Singleton—Did you know that beautifully dressed lady?' I saw you start to bow to her and then stop. Benedict—Yes; I was afraid she wouldn’t deign to recognize me. ‘■Why, who is she?"’ “She's our cook.”—[Boston News. A WILD YOUTH. “Goithard is a little wild, isn't he?” “Wild! I should think so. Why, even the clock in his room is fast.” NOT GUILTY. Teacher—Johnny Jinks, did you throw that spitball? Johnny—No, ma'am, I ain't got mine chewed yet.—[Good News. A WAIL BEFORE BRACING UP. Theclouds hang low and daik's the day And ample reason we’ve to fret. This year we're in the consomme And know hoys ’tia ourselves, you

A SHADY ANSWER. Hairdresser —What shade will madame have ze hair dyed zis time? Mrs. Taddles (in a whisper)—Keep it dark. SHOVING HIM OFF. George—l’m afraid Ethel doesn’t love me any more. Jack—What makes you think so? George—Last night she introduced me to her chaperon.—[New York Weekly. LETTING WELL ENOUGH ALONE. “Where do the flies go in winter?” “I don’t know. I have never tried to find out. lam quite satisfied to know that they go.”A DIFFICULT POST. : Little girl (reading from History of England)—His ability and learning soon raised him to the highest post in the kingdom. Small girl (sympathetically)—And was he always obliged to stand on a post, Miss Smith?—[Scraps. A PARTICULAR QUAKER. “This is the road to Cork, is it not?” asked a countryman of a Quaker he met. “Friend,” was the reply, “first you tell me a lie and then ask a question.”— [Scraps. A GREAT WONDER. Convalescent (looking at his doctor’s bill) —Good gracious! have I been as ill as all this, doctor ? I wonder I’m alive! AN ESSENTIAL. A poem, howsoever wrought, Be the poet less or greater, If not fired with a happy thought Is fired (by the editor) later. —[New York Herald. A BRIGHT BOY. “Chollv must be a smart man to have accumulated all his wealth.” “Ya-as. It took his father-in-law thirty-five years to get the same money.” BOTH ALIKE. Mrs. Somerville—Putnam, did you take luncheon at Winslow’s again today ? Putnam—Yes; they asked me. Mrs. Somerville—But they ouly asked you out of politeness. Putnam—Well; I only staid out of politeness.—[Puck.