Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 46, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 2 December 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AM) YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. A Suburban Clock—Superiority—After Something Definite —Well Up In His Part-Why Cert’nly. A SUBURBAN’ CLOCK. Caller—Land sakes! 1 Tow late it in! Mrs.' Suburb—Oh, you mustn't go by (hat clock. It’a two hours fast. Caller—Why don’t you set it right? Mr«. Suburb Horrors, no! Don’t touch it. That’s the olook my husband oatches trains by.—[New York Weekly. superiority. » Mamma—Why do you put on such airs over that little girl? Wee Woman—Her mother hasn't got bought teeth like you has. AFTER SOMETHING I)KITNITE. Miss Flyppent—When is your birthday, Miss Kldorkin? Miss Elderkin—l was born on June 30. Miss Flyppent Old style or new style? WELL IT IN HIS CART. “I wonder what your father will say when 1 ask him for your hand?” “Don’t worry about that, dear. He rehearsed it with mo this morning, and he loos it boautitully.”—[Chioago News Record. A LIBERAL HUSBAND. “You have a charming home, sir, ami if you will permit me to say so, you have a most amiable wife.” “You’re right, my friend; 1 refuse my wife nothing, und she will tell you so herself. Come, open your mouth, Mary, and show the new set of teeth I bought lor you yesterday.”—-[European Exchange. why, okht'xly. Chappie—l’ll bet you tun dollars I enn borrow ten dollars sooner than you cau. Cholly—Done—lend me ten dollars to put up. Chappie—Certainly, denh boy (and then he faints). —[New York Herald. A BASE SLANDER. Winks—Folks say you always leave Immediately after the sermon, so as to escape the contribution box. Jinks (hotly)—lt’s a base slander! The only reason I start so early is to get. first pick of the umbrellas.—| New York lycouldn’t tell. Mrs. Kingley—Mrs. Whipler trims all her owu bonnets. Don’t you think she is smart? Mrs. Hingo—l don’t know. I haven’t seen the bonnets. THE ATTRACTION. Prunella—Will Winthrop loves you for your money. Priscilla—No; he doesn't know that I have any. up it c-an’t be that. Prunella—But what else could it be? MYSTERY OF A NIGHT. First Pullman Porter—Golly, chile, hut I had a time las’ night. Second Pullman Porter—What’s de nnittah? “Thought I las’ a shoe. Looked fo’ it high ami low, den gub it up an’ waited fo’ de passenger ter kick.” “And did he?” “Huh! Beckon he didn’t. Como out aftor while, stumpiu’ roun’ wid one leg.” —[Chicago News Jtecord. ONLY HALF WAY. Algy—Mr. Bunker, I think I have been in your employ to be entitled to an increase in salary. Bunker—l agree with you partly, Mr. Bliffers, I think you have been in my employ long enough. You can go.— [Exchange. HE WAS EXTRAVAGANT. Mrs. Bronson—Wlmt, been getting yourself another $8 hut? Charley, you're too extravagant altogether. Mr. Bronson (penitently)—l’m afraid you’re right, Mary. And I won’t do it again. Truly, I won’t. Mrs. Bronson (breaking into tears) — And you forgot all about the new |8& bonnet I wanted you to bring down.— [Chicago News. ONE CF MANY. Mr. Flightic—.Merc talent is not appreciated nowadays. Oh, if I only had a touch of real genius Wife—Genius isn’t what you need. “Eh? What, then?” “Horse sense.” SHOCKED AND INTERESTED. Jeannette—Terrible, that about Nora, isn’t it ? . She has murried ju.st for money. Gladys—Well, did sho get the money ? Jeannette—Yes. Gladys—Yes, it's terrible. How did she manage it ?—[Chicago News Record. AN UNFAILING TEST. Foreign Visitor —Is that college a really fine educational institution ? American (proudly)—ls it ? I should say it was. They’ve got the most idiotic college yell to he heard in the whole eountrv, sir—yes, sir.—[New York Weekly. OWES HIM MUCH. “You sec that man crossing the street ? Well, I am greatly indebted to him, und indeed I can’t tell you how much I owe him. One thing is certain—l never can repay him.” “He must be your father, since there is no other man to whom you can be under such obligations.” “No, lie’s my luudlord.” A LOVE STORY. Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in love with Maria McCann; With a yell and a whoop He cleared the front stoop Just ahead of her papa’s brogan. —[Harlem Life. A GOOD REASON. Mother—Do you know why your pa called Mr. Blowhurd a liar, Tommy? Tommy—Y'es’m; he’s a smaller man than pa.—[Harlem Life. TOO SMALL. Miss Lakeside —So you are engaged to Charlie Smith! Well, I would not be in your shoes! Miss Murrayhiil—l dare say not, dear. They would pinch you terribly. A REAL HERO. “I love you so,” said Chappie dear (The ehawming little fellah!), “I go out in the wain for you Without my new umbrellah.” —[New York Herald. A WITTY JUDGE. In court: — Lawyer (pleading for the defendant) — I propose to show there is no man living

who Is more pretentious, more bombastic and more corrupt than the plaintiff in this cose. Judge—You forget yourself, sir. SET HIM RIGHT. He—One has only to look at your lips and see that you are intended for kisses. She—On the contrary, the kisses arc for my intended.—[New Y'ork Herald. TWO WAYS OF PUTTING IT. “I think,” said Miss Sweete to Mr. Oldboeh, “I think she's too young for you.” “Well,” said Oldbach, smiling, “perhaps she is.” “Yes,” said Miss Smart, “you arc too old for her.” “I am, am I?” said Mr. Oldbach, as a red wave passed over his face and a dark frown clouded his brow; “I guess you don’t know what you are talking about.” —[New York Press. DEFENSIVE MEASURES. Bonds—Are you quick at footing figurers, Coupons? Coupons—Yes, if they’re dude’s figures, 1 have an only daughter. A REGULAR CINCH. Higgs—Are you following the horses now? Briggs—Oh, yes. , lliggs—Find it pays yor. any better than it did before? Briggs—Much. I’m driving a street car.--[Judge. HANG UP STYLE. “ Did you notice that Miss Pompadour had her hair brushed upon her forehead to-night?” “Yes; I thought it wns a bang up way of dressing it?" A TWISTED QUOTATION. “Will you have another cup of coffee?” the landlady asked the boarder. Ho shook his head. “The spirit is willing,” he said, “ but the coffee is weak.”—[New York Preis,