Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 45, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 November 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET.' [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.'

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. All His Fault—For Revenge’s Sake— An Appreciative Critic—Sad Enough —Etc., Etc. ALL HIS FAULT. Mr. Binks (whose invalid wife insists on boarding)—Look here, now. The Medical Record says nothing will improve a woman’s health like sweeping, baking, bed-making, dish-washing, and polishing the silver. Mrs. Binks —Huh! You know very well you never got me any silver to polish. No wonder I’m sick. FOR REVENGE’S SAKE. “You consent, finally, to my marrying Algy, mother, dear?” “Yes, daughter, with all my heart.” “But you said you hated him.” “That’s why I want to be his mother-in-law.”—[Truth. AN APPRECIATIVE CRITIC. Mrs. Gazzam (displaying some china) —Now I have painted it, I must have it fired. Gazzam—Well, it deserves it. Shall I pitch it into the ash barrel?—[Truth. BAD ENOUGH. Harry—lt is sad to be cut off in one’s prime, isn’t it? Jimmy—lt is, indeed; but what particular case do you allude to? Harry—My own. The old gent has made a new will, and I’m not in it.— [Puck. CURIOSITIES OF LIFE. “Life is full of paradoxes.” “Yes.” “Yes. It is the fast liver who has the sluggish liver.” A QUICK LUNCH FIEND. * ‘ My dear fellow, how in the world can you read when you’re eating? It’s enough to ruin your eyesight.” “ Oh, I read with one eye and cat with the other.”—[London Globe. NOTHING THE MATTER WITH GEORGE. Mamma—George Winkelford called to see you again last night, Irene, did he not? He is a worthy young man, and I hope you didn't tr at him distantly? Miss Irene (with a vivid blush)—Distantly? Not at all. I—l was very much drawn to him, mamma.—[Chicago Daily Tribune. REBUKED. Rogers—What makes vour nose so red, Mr. Reilly? Reilly—lt glows with pride, sir, at not putting itself in other people’s business. —[Puck. HAPPILY DESCRIBED.

“You were trying to get up a flirtation with the pretty girl on the end of the chorus?” “ How do you know ?” “ You made a signal to her.” “ Yes,' but it was a signal failure.” it didn’t work. Brace—One of our eminent scientists has discovered enough disease germs on a bank bill to kill a whole regiment. Bagley—Pshaw 1 Hand over the five you owe me; I’m no coward. SAFELY HELD. School Friend—Seems to me you and George have been engaged a good while. Why don’t you marry? Sweet Girl—Oh, there’s no hurry, dear. He doesn’t care a bit for any one else.— [Good News. DESERVED THE NAME. Jones —Smith is about your closest friend, isn’t he? Borrowitt—Yes, confound him! It’s almost impossible to borrow a cent from him.—[Kate Field’s Washington. AMBIGUOUS. Miss Sweetly—l think your writings resemble some works of the greatest writers. Young Scribbler (delighted)—ln what manner? Miss Sweetly—You will not live to see them appreciated.—[Buffalo Quips. A NATURAL INFERENCE. “What is a propaganda?” inquired th e teacher. The boy looked at the ceiling, wrinkled his forehead, wrestled with the question a minute or two, and answered bravely that he guessed it was the brother of a proper goose.—(The Million. easilV explained. Cholly Go friend who is paying a bill) —I thought you just told Hardup that you had paid out your last dollar. Friend—Yes, I know, but this is the next to the last dollar.—[Chicago News Record.

INVENTION NOT NEEDED. Lady—Why don’t the railroads have mechanical appliances for loading and unloading trunks? Depot Master—Well, you see, madam, lifting the tr.mks into the cars doesn’t hurt anything but the men, and throwing them out doesn’t hurt anything but the trunks. —[New York Weekly. A FRIGHTFUL DEARTH. Blobkins—Speaking of the dearth of men at the seaside during the past Summer, a man-eating shark was found dead on the beach near a fashionable New Englund resort the other day. Mrs. Blobkins—What did he die of? Blobkins—Starvation.--[Judge. NOMADS. Teacher —A nomad is a person who moves about a great deal—never remains long in one place. Johnny, name, some tribes of nomads. Johnny—ls you please, ma’am, cooks and chambermaids. —[New York Herald. THE NEW GOLD CURE. “Johnson is a different man since he tried the gold cure.” “1 didn’t think he drank to excess.” “He didn’t. He was poor and he married an heiress.” AUTUMN. A partridge sits upon a log; A huntsman comes with fancy dog; The partridge through the leaves doth soar; The huntsman shoots —his dog’s no more. —[New York Herald. VERY FEW CAN. Algy—There goes the—aw—most intellectual fellah in ouah set. Cholly—Ah! Algy—He can distinguish the difference between this yeah’i Derby hat and last ycah’s Derby hat.—[Good News. NOTHING TO TELL. Priscilla—What is the news? Prunella—There is none. Nobody has cold m» a secret since last week.

ARTLESS. The Indignant Mother—Yon say tl;s young scamp took you in his arras! What aid you say to him? The Artless Daughter —I said, “Hold on!” —[Brooklyn Lite. A WISE TEACHER. Father—Do you think my daughter will ever be able to sing? Teacher—Nevare, monsieur. Father—Then what’s the use giving her any more vocal lessons? Teacher—A great deal of use, monsieur. I give her lessons two, three mouths more, and by and by I tench her that she can't sing. That is a good musical education for a young lady. Very important. Father—By gimmi, you’re right! If she can’t'slag and you can convince her that shecan’t, the lessons won’t be thrown away.—[New York Press. THE ONLY TEST. Sister—What! Do you mean to say that you have engaged yourself to that Belle Blondie, and intend to bring the horrid thing into the family? - Brother—Horrid thing! 1 heard you tell her you loved her dearly. Sister—Huh! You never heard mo tell any one else so.—[New York Weekly. MUTUAL ADMIRATION. Mr. Huckleberry—No one admires me. Miss Wallflower—No one admires me, either. Mr. Huckleberry—We had better organize a mutual admiration society. 1 admire your eyes. What do you admire about me ? Miss Wallflower —Your very good taste. —[Rare Bits. EVERYTHING FORGIVEN. “ Your wile’s people,’’ said the man in the mackintosh, “live somewhere in the East, do they not?’’ ® “ Yes,” replied the man with the creased trousers. “In New Hampshire.” “Wasn’t there some romance coii* nected with your marriage'?” “We ran away to get married. That was all. The old folks bitterly opposed the match.” “Ever been back there t” “No. They sent us word they never wanted to see us again.” “And they have never forgiven you?’’ “Why—aw—yes,” said the man with the creased trousers. “They forgave us about three months ago. They’re coming to the World’s Fair next year.”— [Chicago Tribune.