Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 44, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 18 November 1892 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

lESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. AH She Needed—Brutal— Prophecy K ased on History—Not Tailor Made* Etc., Etc. ALL SHE NEEDED. “Do you own a heart?” he cried, wildly, brushing the dust from his knees. “Yes,” she replied, blushing, “I have Tom’s." BRUTAL. Mrs. Trotter—l’m sorry you don’t like this cake. The cook books say that it is inti-dyspeptic. Mr. Trotter—l don’t doubt it, my dear, but I’m willing to live and risk the dyspepsia. PROPHECY BASED ON HISTORY. “Well, I wonder what will be the sensation of the week I” queried the telegraph editor. ‘fff I maybe permitted to speak,” ventured the horse editor, “it is likely that the sensation -of the weak will continue to be that tired feeling.”—[lndianapolis Journal. NOT TAILOR MADE. Felicia Joy—Don’t you think I look plump in this gown? Mina Anne Pussley—Yes, indeed! Where did you get it made—at an upholsterer’s? NOT NAMELESS. Happy Bachelor —Well, old fellow, ■and what have you called the kid? Unhappy Benedict —What haven’t I called it, you mean, eld man. I didn’t know I had such an extensive stock of anathemas in -my vocabulary.—[Ally •Slopir. DUBIOUS. “I think I’ll let my beard grow for a week,” said chappie. “Do you think it will?” asked EtheL —[Judge. AN EXCEPTION. I like to watch my wife when she’s Crocheting Or when she’s tatting mysteries Essaying. I often note complacently Her snirring. Nor does her darning prompt in me Demurring. But I am spurred, I must allow, To quitting When she her alabaster brow Is knitting. THE OTHER 'SIDE.

He—l suppose his marrying you depends on wnat your father finds out about him? She—Well, partially—and partially about what he finds out about papa. Fortunately, papa has the advantage of experience. didn’t want the earth. She—Ma says I am her own darling. She will think you want the earth when you ask her for me. He—But I don’t. I only want Mars’ darling. rather wiry. Mrs. Slimdiet—What has made your throat so sore, Mr. Newboarder? Newboarder—l think it must have been the steak. —[New York Weekly. A POLITICAL MOTE. The old gentleman was doing his best to be entertaining to Algernon, when his daughter remarked: “Excuse me, C, but Algy and I are convinced that lony would be promoted by the absence of third party interference.”— [Washington Star. A PRANK CHILD. Little Kate on being introduced to an elderly maiden aunt, whom she has never seen before, innocently exclaims: “Oh, auntie, how very ugly you are!” Being reprimanded by her mother, who bids her apologize and say that she is sorry, the child turns to her aunt and says seriously: “Oh, auntie, I beg your pardon, and indeed lam very sorry that you are awful ugly."

HORTICULTURAL. Full many a flower is sowed in the bright time, When the warm sun’s aglow in the sward dewy damp, But bachelor’s buttons are sewed in the night time, In the third story, back, by the light of a lamp. MARRIAGE IS NO FAILURE. When wedded to his seventh wife He said: “I know what married bliss is. And all the hits I’ve made in life I find I’ve made by making Mrs.” . —[New York Press. IT TURNED OUT ALL RIGHT. When love in his heart had taken root, And his brain was in a whirl, And he went at night to press his suit, He also pressed the girl. She at the action took no offense, For she knew that more was meant; In fact she thought him a man of sense, And at once gave her consent. —[New York Press. POTENT FOR GOOD OR EVIL.

“Onions have their uses after all. They will often break up a cold.” “And sometimes an engagement.” NOT RIGHTLY NAMED. First Boy—What sort o’ birds are those? Second Boy—Those are chimney swallows. First Boy—Get out! Their mouths ain’t big ’nough. I don’t belie xe they can swallow anything bigger than flies. —[Good News. SOME ADVANTAGE. Rosalie —He’s an awful homely man, my dear. Grace—Yes, but there’s something in it. He’s nice and rich as can be, and when he calls has only to look at the clock to stop it. THE REGULAR PROGRAMMES. Little Mabel —If you don’t stop, I’ll tell mamma, and she'll tell papa, ana then papa will whip you. Little Johnny—Then I’ll cry, and then grandma will give me some candy, and I won’t give you any.—[Good News. ON SECOND THOUGHT. Jack—When she declined me I threw the engagement ring away in a rage. Tom—What do you mean? Jack —Well, I put it in my pocket. That’s where my rage was. She was rich.—[New York Herald. THE DOG MUST BE PUZZLED. “X don’t see how you ran treat your landlady’s ugly dog so kindly when he sticks his nose into your plate at dinner.” “Oh. I merely do it for appearance*

sake. She sees me patting him gently on the head, but she doesn't know that at the same time lam kicking him under the table." a baron’s wooing. Banker—So you watft to marry my daughter, Baron? Well, all I can say is that I will not consent to her marriage with any man who is not free from debt. Baron—You are quite right, sir, and, if I am assured of your sanction on those conditions, I am quite ready to wait until I am free from debt. Banker— Really! In that case my youngest daughter will just suit you. She is three years old and can wait several yean for you. b~it too tempting. Grace—How did Mrs. Duton manage to have so many men at her tea? Rosalie—Oh, she had the wine list printed on the back of the cards she sent out. FOUND A USB FOB THE BABY. Little Dot—Ma, may I take the baby out in my doll’s carriage? Mamma—Why. what for? Little Dot—Susie Smif has a new doll ’at shuts its eyes an’ cries “Wah, with.” I’m doin’ to betend the baby is a doll and let her hear him cry. Then I dess she’ll stop puttin’ on airs.—[Boston Globe.

RELATIVE expense. A certain minister, not a thousand miles from here, loves a dollar with a close affection. Not long ago a young man asked him how much he would charge to marry a couple. “Well," said the preacher, “the bridegroom pays what he pleases, but I never charge less than $10." “Whew 1” exclaimed the prospective bridegroom, “that’s a good lot of money. I thought that kind of work went in with your regular salary." “On, no,” explained the minister, “salvation is free, but it costs money to get married.*’—[Detroit Free Press. A SUBTLE SCHEME. “Miss Wickorstaff seems to be particularly popular among the young fellows of twenty or thereabouts.” “Yes. She has' a way of talking to them about ‘young men.’ ”—[lndianapolis Journal. AN EXPLANATION. “Do you believe that knowledge is power?” “I do.” I “That explains then whv dudes are sc frail.” TOO MUCH STEAIN ON THE STOMACH. “Sophtie is badly troubled with dyspepsia.” “That's because he is so gullible.” “What has that to do with it!” “He swallows everything.” TWO POINTS OF VIEW. “I wish you’d tell me how to get out of debt,” said a man who was depressed. “Humph!” replied the citizen, who hasn’t any credit to speak of. “I wish you’d tell me how to get into debt.” —[Washington Star. ADVANTAGE FOR ONE. She—Well, if I can’t live on my 'income, and you can’t live on yours, where would be the advantage in our marrying? He (thoughtfully)—Well, by putting our incomes together one of us would be able to live, at any rate.—[Life.