Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 November 1892 — HUMOR OF THE WEEK. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

HUMOR OF THE WEEK.

STORIES YOLD BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Many Oda. Curious, and LaaghaM. Phases of Human Nature Graphically Portrayed by ■ Eminent Word Artist. at Our Own Bay. Borne Sharp Sayings. The mother tongue is probably the language of Mars.—Yonkers Statesman. Contestants in the running races at the fair should prepare by taking a bottle of catchup.—Lowell Courier. The man who was too full for utterance went to jail Instead of going to.tbe fight.—New Orleans Picayune. “Getting ahead” in the liquor traffic isn’t always to be interpreted as an assurance of progress.—Boston Courier. The hot spell of summer is known as the dog days because it is too warm then to make sausage.—Hazleton Sentinel. > So many people go around looking as though they had a piece OX Limburger cheese under their noses.— Atchison Globe.

. Why not make the cactus the national flower? It has more fine points than any other yet mentioned.—Chicago Inter Ocean. Judging by Sound.—Phwat’s thob noise, Mis’ Mullaly? “Mary Ann’s practisin’ the scales.” “Begorrah, she must weigh a ton.”—Judge. The self-closing door-spring is an awful aggravation to the man who is going out of your office mad and wants to slam the door.-—Siftings. Gowitt—What, you broke, Brolly! I thought you had a snug sum in the bank for a rainy day?” Brolly—So I had, but it rained on the bank.— Puck. “I hear Harkins was struck by lightning down on the Jersey coast last week.” “Yes.” “I wonder what they charged him for it.”— Harper’s Bazar. Trother—“You look sad.” Barlow —I am. I took my best girl to church and put 32 in the plate in order to impress her and she never saw it.”—New York Herald.

“I think,” said the man who saw the distortions of his ready-made clothes reflected in a mirror, “that this would unquestionably be a suit for libel."—Washington Star. Wlllie wanted to drive the horses. “You can’t drive,” said his father. “Yes, I can too,” Insisted Willie. “Mamma says I drive her crazy ’most every day.”—Detroit Free Press. Doctor—“Do not expose yourself to heavy dews of the night air while in the country, my dear. ” Daughter —“Why, pa, where did you learn so much about bangs?”—New York Weekly. A Reasonable Request. —Wee Son—Mamma, me wants pants. Mamma—My pet is too little yet. 'Wee Son—Well, me finks me might have s’penders to my dwess, anyhow. —Good News. “We must attack this trouble promptly,” said the physician. “Yes,” replied the patient, who had just taken a dose of medicine, “but I wish you could be a little less bitter inyour attacks.”—Washington Star. The Boston girl never hollers “hello” at the mouth of the telephone. She simply says, as she puts the receiver to her ear: “1 take the liberty of addressing you via a wire surcharged with electricity. ” — Texas Siftings. “That beats me,” said good Mrs. Jason, as she read that a fire was supposed to have been caused by “mice eating matches." “I’ve heard of pie-eating matches and sich, but this is a new one.”—lndianapolis Journal. Grandeur of the Middle Name. —Happy the young woman nowadays who has a middle name with a sonorous sound. Susan C. Nipper looks commonplace, but Susan Cholmbndely Nipper is too fine for anything.— Boston Transcript. “I wouldn’t care to be Lawyer Browne on Judgment Day. He’ll be in the soup.” “No, he won’t. Browne’s smart. He’ll get an adjournment of his case to next day, and then there won’t be any next day. ” —Brooklyn Life. ( “Why,” Inquired Slug 1144, “Is the letter ‘S’ like an unpaid wash bill?” “Is this one of those new progressive fakes?” suspiciously asked Slug 711. “Naw. An unpaid wash bill is like the letter *S’ because it might make a sprinter of a printer.”—lndianapolis Journal. Husband—“ Well, how is my wife progressing?” Doctor—“ Hum! nothing dangerous. I think if I prescribe four weeks "at Wiesbaden she will be all right. But if you excite her temper through opposition, it might easily run to eight weeks at the seaside.—"Eulenspiegel., Delia—Can’t you go down shopping with me this afternoon? I want to get my husband a birthday gift. Esther—Yes; what are you going to get him? Delia—Well, I have been thinking about it for some time, and I think I need tabla linen and rugs more than anything. —Chicago Inter Ocean.

Chicago Is troubled with the question what to do with its bad boys—hoodlums that are growing up to be vagabonds and thieves. It is proposed to establish training schools to be opened by. the State, where youthful against the law can be taught useful trades. Better still will it be to mal® provision for the commitment of the dependent children to such institutions before they become criminals, and to close the saloons, where many of parent* of children are made incapable of caring for them.

Swearing him in.