Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 43, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 11 November 1892 — THE JOKER'S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER'S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNY MEN OF THE PRESS. Wise Provision of Nature—Quite Possible—Wearing on Him—A Filial Tribute Spoiled. WISE PROVISION OF NATURE. Little Dot—l wonder why it is grown folks’ noses get so thin and hooked when they grow old? Little Dick—Huh! Any one might know why that is. It’s to hold the spectacles.—[Good News. QUITE POSSIBLE. Billings, Jr.—Pa, if an animal breaks his back docs he get humpbacked like a human being? Billings, Sr.—Yes;, my son; but what makes you ask such a question? Billings, Jr.—l was just wondering if the hump on the camel was caused by the last straw.—[Truth. WEARING ON lIIM. Mr. Scraggs—That man Jones never pays his fare; he just travels on his face. Mr. Scraggs—l wondered what made his features look so irregular.

A FILIAL TRIBUTE SPOILED. Popinjay—l certainly was well brought up as a bov. To whom do you suppose I owe all that I have? Billijay—To your creditors. QUITE FREQUENTLY, YRS. “Now that we are together again for another season’s work,” said the teacher in the mission Sunday-school, “we will have to arrange for a little entertainment —by the way,” she added, “can any of you children tell me what an entertainment is?” Up went a little hand in one of the buck benches. “Well, what is it, Sammy?” “It’s sumpin’ ter eat.”—[Detroit Tribune. PLENTY OF TABLE. Friend—How do you like the table at Mrs. Slimdiet’s? Livermore—Well, when one gets up from it, there is nothing left to be desired. TRIBUTE OF FRIENDSHIP. The Professor—ln some respects Miss Whackster is n highly gifted young woman. At school, 1 remember, she excelled in mathematics. In a largo class in geometry she was easily the first. Miss Laura Kujones—Yes, the dear girl always was so—so angular, you know.

KNEW JACK. Penelope—Jack really loves mo after nil. Perdita—What makes you so certain? Penelope—Why, darling, ho tried to make me believe that he loved you. SUCH A TIDY HOUSEWIFE. Mr. Flatteman (who has been attempting to shave himself)—Quick, Arabella, fetch me a towel or something, I’ve nearly cut my throat and it's bleeding terribly! Mrs. Flattoman—Oh, Henry, how inconsiderate you are—bleeding on the bedroom carpet, when I’ve often told you not to shave anywhere but in the bathroom,—[New York Herald. THE SUNNY BIDE. She—But I can’t cook and I hate to wash dishes. He—Then I am decidedly the one you should marry. I can’t afford to buy anything to cook, and so we won’t need dishes.—[Life. A PRIZE PACKAGE. Wilson—She don’t hear me. She’s all wrapped up in a newspaper. Brown—There are not many newspaf»ers that have such valuable contents. — King's Jester. NO WONDER THE PARROTS SWEAR. Little Tommy Whykins hud been wrestling with a piece of hardtack. “Mamma,” said he, after a silence. “What is it?” “If poll-parrots get all the crackers they ask for, I don’t wonder they learn to swear.”—[Washington Star.

THE WRONG PERSON BLAMED. “Arc you aware,” said the man in the rear fiercely, “that your umbrella is poking me in the eye?” “It isn’t my umbrella,” replied the man in front, with equal fierceness, “it's a borrowed ore, sir.”—[Exchange. EASILY 'BELIEVED. Mary—Mebbc I’m ugly now, ma’am, but in my day I’ve broken many a heart. Mistress—Well, Mary, if you handle hearts the way you do iny china, I believe you. NOT ENTHUSIASTIC. Charlie—May I announce our engage" ment nt once? Clara—Not yet. Perhaps both of us may bo able to do better. GOOD ADVICE. “What is the matter with you, Gus?” asked Mr. Murray Hill of Gus de Smith. “I was engaged to be married to Miss Birdie McGinnis and now she has gone back on me.” “Don’t let that worry you, Gus. As pretty a girl as she is will soon find some other young man to marry,” replied Mr. Murray Hill.—[Texas Siftings. ROUGHLY HANDLED. Weggie—A wudc, wough man I never saw before said “Hello!” to me in the stweet to-day. Chollv—Gwacious! weren’t you fwightened?—[New York Herald. DISCOURAGING LOGIC. Johnnie—Ma, I want a bicycle. . Mother—Johnnie, you should not desire anything too eagerly in this world. Johnnie (hedging)—But I don’t want it very badly. Mother (decidedly)—Well, I can’t encourage every little passing whim. You can’t have it.—[New York Herald. HARD TO UNDERSTAND. Little Boy—Well, that’s the queerest 'thing I ever saw. Mother—What is? • “I just saw our school teacher on the bench a-laughin’ just like other people.” —[Street & Smith’s Good NcWs. AFTERTHOUGHT. She (quizzingly) —So you married her after saving her life? He—Yes. She—And I understand that she is rery rich? He—Yes. She—How lucky for you I He— Yes—but think how lucky it

would have been for me if I had been married to her before she fell overboard. SNUBBED. Clara (thinking to make Ethel envious) —You can’t imagine how delightfully Charlie makes love. Ethel—Oh, yes, lean. He used to try it with me till I snubbed him. HOW TO INCREASE THE CIRCULATION. “I wish I could strike some plan by which I could double my circulation,” remarked a Texas editor. “There are several ways by which that can be accomplished,” replied a friend. “Name them.” “Well, get married. Then two hearts will beat as one and consequently you’ll have doubled your circulation.” —[Texas Siftings.

HIS ONLY FAULT. “Mr. Hollins is a splendid fellow, I think,” said Miss Perkins. “Yes,” said Ethel; “but ho is very absent-minded. When we were first engaged he used to call me Alice all the time—he said that was his mother’s name, which was also very forgetful, because I’ve found out since it was Mary.” —[Harper’s Bazar. A TRUE FRIEND. Van Winkle—ls the house you are building coming within the limit? Von Blumer—Yes, indeed. I wag peculiarly fortunate. The architect happened to be a friend of mine, and he is Jutting me up a |2,000 house for only s,ooo.—[Truth. THE CONVENIENCE OF FASHION. Mr.' McFad—By Jove, I burst my susjienders. Mrs. McFnd—Take mine. I will use your sash.—[Judge. A HINT. Young Wise —Do you love mo still, George? Young Husband—You have asked me that a dozen of times to-day, and I have answered yes. Y. W. —But you don’t love anybody else? • Y. lI.—I don't—not yet. AN EFFORT OF MEMORY. Charlie—l think—ah—l must have seen you before. Prunella—Yes. You were introduced to me in the drawing-room about five minutes ago. A LONGER WORD. Miss Bleecker (patting her friend on the shoulder)—Never say die! Miss Emerson (of Boston) —I do not. I always suy expire.—] Judge. PROOF POSITIVE. Miss Boodle—Count, how do you know that your diamonds are genuine? Count—liy ze advances of ze pawnbrokaire. —[ Tid-bi ts.

WELL SHAKEN. She shook my hand. I felt the thrill Of her soft touch. I feel it still. And when, presuming on that touch, I foolishly essayed too much, And said I loved her—urged my plea— By nil that's good she shook the rest of me. —[Detroit Free Press. A GOOD SCHEME. Tourist—Do those scarecrows save your crops? Farmer—They work first-rate. You see, every tramp that comes along crosses the fields to sec if th’ clothes is wuth stealin’, w’ich they ain't, an’ that scares th' crows away. TWO SIDES OF A QUESTION. Foreman of the Lockcd-In Jury (impatiently)—The rest of us are agreed, and you would see the case as we do if you had an ounce of brains. Obstinate Juror (reflectively) —But that’s just the trouble; I’ve got more than an ounce.—[Tid Bits. MARKED ATTENTIONS. “His attentions to you have been marked, have they not?” said the young woman’s experienced friend. “Oh, yes. He has never taken the price tag off any of his presents.”— [Washington Star.