Democratic Sentinel, Volume 16, Number 42, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 November 1892 — THE JOKER’S BUDGET. [ARTICLE]

THE JOKER’S BUDGET.

JESTS AND YARNS BY FUNNYMEN OF THE PRESS. Not Unlikely—A Baby’s Peculiarities —The Revengeful Fly—A Cruel Parent. NOT UNLIKELY. Mr. Jimson—What? Is Bilson going to get married? He told me positively he would never get married again. Mrs. Jimson (calmly)—l presume you asked him on the way to the funeral. — [New York Weekly. a baby’s peculiarities. Young Mother—l wonder why the baby always wakes up crying? Young Father (wearily)—l suppose he’s mad because he’s been making no trouble. —[Good News. the revengeful fly. First Fly—That farm boy just smashed a near relative of mine. I’d like to bite him. Second Fly—That wouldn’t hurt him much. Just wait till ho begins milking. We’ll worry the cow, and then she’ll knock him flat with her tail.—[Good News. A CRUEL PARENT. “Pop,” said the professional humorist’s little son, “what regiment did the minute men of Lexington belong to?” “To the Sixty-second, of course. Ask me something easy, my boy.”—[New York Sun. A DIFFERENCE. Optician—You have a pretty bad case of toxic amblyopia. Patient—Will I have to take glasses? Optician—Rather, you'll have to stop taking glasses.—[Jewellers’ Circular. OVERHEARD AT A HOTEL. Teddy Vauchump—That young fellow to whom you took off your hat just now is engaged to Miss Daisy Goldberg. Are you acquainted with him? Bill Uppercrust—l don't know him at all. , “Then how did you come to bow to him? “Because we are in the .game line of business, so to speak. I, too, am engaged to Miss Daisy Goldberg.”—[Texas Siftings. THE WANING OF TIIE nONEYMOON. She —It was right here that I accepted you, John. Had you forgotten? He—My dear, there are some things I can neither forget nor forgive.—[Black and White. MADE OVER. He said he was a self, made man. And often made his boast of it, For as he’d had a lowly start He thought he'd make the most of it. But.when he married, ’tis believed His wife condemned the plan of him, For when a year was passed, ’twas said She’d made another man of him. —[Boston Courier. WOMAN. She’ll ride if only for a block; Thinks exercise is vile: But she’ll go into a dry goods store, And walk at least a mile. —[Judge. nis CONSCIENCE CLEAR. Banknote— Are you aware, young man, that the girl you are asking me to let you have will be very wealthy? How dare you ask for her hand? Slimpurse—l know she will be wealthy, sir, but you must admit that it will be through no fault of mine.— [Chicago News-Record. HOME INSTRUCTIONS. Mrs. Plankington (to visitor, Willie Slimson, who has just eaten the last piece of pie)—Won’t you have another piece, Willie? There’s plenty more in the pantry. Willie (doubtfully)—l don’t know. If I thought that was so, I might. Mrs. Plankington—Why, what do you mean? Don’t you believe what I tell you? Willie —Mu told me not to. —[New* York Herald. A SENSIBLE COMMAND. “Captain, we are entirely out of ammunition,” said an orderly sergeant to his commander on a field day. “What! entirely out of ammunition?” exclaimed the captain. “Yes, entirely out,” was the reply. “Then cease firiug,” said the captain. NO MISUNDERSTANDING AT ALL. Cordelia —I hear that you and Charlie parted owing to a misunderstanding? Susie —Certainly not, my dear; we understood each other too well. WHAT WAS LEFT. Young Mamma—Did you have a nice ' time at the picnic? Little Johnny—Nice ’nough, ’cept at the lunch. I was rowin’, and didn't get back in time. “My poor angel! And was everything eaten up?” “Yes’m. Everything but the things you sent ’em.”—[Good News. COULDN'T KEEP AWAY. Mrs. Bingo—l went in to see Mrs. Yan Winkle the other day. Mrs. Bingley—l thought .you didn’t speak to her. Mrs. Bingo—l didn’t before. But I wanted to sec how her parlor was refurnished. THEN TROUBLE BEGAN “Mamma has sent baby a new mug,” said Mrs. Yungepapp. “Is it as red as the one he wears now?” asked the happy father.—[lndianapolis Journal. drawing near. He—Ah, darling, even when time shall be no more, our love She—lt is almost that time now, I guess. “Eh?” “I said it was nearly that time now. Time never gets to be more than 12, you know.”—[lndianapolis Journal. HE WAS TRUE TO HIS NAME. Speaking of the death of a young lady friend, Miss May Ture said with a sigh: . ‘Ah! the good die young.” “Don’t say that,” Mr. Puthisfootinit, wishing to play bis compliment on her goodness; “your own case is evidence to the contrary.”—[New York Press. A CARELESS SUITOR. Clara —Did you have anything extraordinary happen at the * seashore last Summer? Maude—Oh, yes; one man kept me waiting three days for an engagement ring. Clara —Dear me! What was the cause of the delay ? Maude -He ran out of them before he knew it, and had to send to New York

for another instalment.—[Cloak Ro. view. EVERY LITTLE HELPS. She—You’d better stay and ask to-night. He (sadly)—"What would be the use? She —Well, you could stay to dinner, you know, and you’d be ahead a square meal anyway. gHE PROPER FORM OF INTERROGATION'. “So you have a new servant girl,’* said one housewife to another. “Yes.” “How does she like you?”— [Wash* ington Star. A 'MATTER OF INTEREST. He—How much do you love me? She—Lots. ; He (anxiously)—Do you own the lots? SOCIALISTIC INTELLIGENCE. Teacher—Who was it that first said “property is robbery?” Boy—l don’t know. I suppose it was some fellow who didn’t have any.—. [Texas Siftings. ONE THEORY. Mamma—Now, why did George Washington confess to his father that he cut down the cherry tree? Small Son— l s’pose his mouth wag all cherry stains.—[Good News. TRUE GENEROSITY. Priscilla—l really think I should like to marry Will Winthrop. Prunella—Would you? Well, I expect that he will propose to me this evening, and to oblige you I’ll refuse him. NOT GHOSTLY. Tanks—Old Soak reminds me of & haunted house. Banks—How so? Tanks—Almost every night he is full of spirits. —[Brooklyn Life. THE HORSE KNEW. Woman (to herself) —It scares me half to death to .drive this horse. I wonder what he’ll do next. Horse (to himself) — That must be a. woman driving or I wouldn't be jammed, into everything on the road.—[New York Weekly. TOO MUCn ALIKE. “Why are you and your wife always quarrelling?” “The reason is because we are both oi the same disposition.” “I don’t understand” “Why, she wants to be bo3S and SOI doL”